Donald’s Smart Lil’ Cookie

Will Kim Jong Un, the world’s youngest dictator be the salvation of Donald J Trump, one of the world’s oldest dictator’s-in-training? As Trump’s troubles continue to hit the fan, splattering the face of American democracy, Lil’ Kim (not the has-been Black female rapper, cultural-appropriator extraordinaire) launches provocative missiles into the sea, issues dire warnings of incinerating the U.S. and wolfs down several Big Macs and Large Fries. (He secrets them in hidden Presidential Freezers away from his half-starving nation ready to be celebratorily gorged upon at a missile-launching’s notice… as Trump said “….he’s a smart cookie.”)  
As Trump nears the impeachment precipice, the North Korean missile launches skyrocket. Could this be Trump’s ace in the hole? North Korea sinks one of our ships floating around in the Korean Sea. Trump nukes Pyongyang. Trump is canonized by an American public eager to rally-around a War President. (Nothing brings Americans together more than a good old- fashioned war.) 
Special Investigator? Nyet. Senate and Congressional probes? Nyet. Now Trump is even deeper in debt to Putin, who encouraged young Jong Un to blast the American warship with his assurance that Russia would have his back and defend the Kim Dynasty against the American perps. Kim and his Presidential Hair Stylist are promised a special flight to Moscow before Trump attacks. Putin reneges, Kimmy is nuked. Trump is a hero. Trump backs out of NATO, goes to Moscow to receive Russian Medal of Honor. Putin delivers on Nikita Khrushchev’s 1960’s declaration that “we will bury you” (America). Where’s China? No more threat of American influence and power in their region. The U.S.has been reduced to a third-rate kleptocracy. China, in a gracious gesture, approves hundreds more Ivanka Trump product trademarks. Trump hotels rise throughout Russia. Oh, and Putin personally hands over the “golden shower video tape” to Trump with the assurance that there are no copies. Now there’s a Trump Deal. How do you say “sucker” in Russian? 

Memogate: What Comey’s Memo Omitted 

Poor Donald Trump. So misunderstood. So picked-on. Jeez, the poor fellow can’t do anything right according to the fake lame-stream media. Take this latest accusation that he tried to get then-FBI director James Comey to drop the investigation of ousted National Security chief Michael Flynn. Comey purportedly wrote himself a cover-ur-arse CYA memo quoting Trump. 
“I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go,” Mr. Trump supposedly told Mr. Comey, according to the memo. “He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go.”

Except Comey left out some key words. Here’s what Trump actually said: 

“I hope you can see your way clear to letting this (investigation) go (on), to letting Flynn go (remain fired),” “He is (not) a good guy. I hope you can.” 

See what a few key omissions does? It makes it sound as if Our Honorable President was trying to obstruct an investigation. Someone’s got to stand up for the truth. Whatever that means. 

Presidential Fidgetitis

They’re clicking, pushing, rolling and spinning their way into our homes, cars, offices and especially school classrooms. Originally designed and invented to supposedly give kids with autism and ADHD something to fidget and thus increase their focus on learning tasks, fidget toys are the hottest fad since Trump normalized the word “pussy.” Now everyone tries to find novel ways to insert the pussyword into everyday conversation. Thanks, Trump. 
But fidgets, especially the spinning variety, are even hotter. Who wants to” F-word” when you can “F(idget) word.”

But I’ve finally figured out the cause of this national fidget fphenomenon. Who has the attention span of a toddler? Who cannot complete a complete sentence and repeats every other word multiple times? Who frantically waves tiny gesticulating fingers to atone for his monumental inarticulateness? Who serially discharges flatulent boasts of greatness atop other hyperbolic emissions of self-aggrandizement? Who has the self-control and restraint of a hyper-hormonal teenager, the selfish inability to delay the slightest amount of gratification? Who issues bizarre tweets at 3 a.m. and watches more TV than a 70-something year-old white guy hooked on Fox News? (Spoiler alert?) Answer: our Fidgeter-in-Chief, the World’s Sorest-winner and Biggest-loser by 3 million votes in the 2016 Presidential Election. That’s who. That’s who. 
With the reputed Leader of the Free World exhibiting zero restraint and self control, it’s no wonder most Americans are in a heightened state of anxiety, not sure from hour to hour what’s going to gush forth from Trump’s sphincteral hemorrhoidal lips. Simply stated, we have a president with a severe case of fidgetitis. It’s time, like all other Americans, that Mr. Trump channel his inner fidgetiness and seek relief from his acute fidgetitis through the body and soul-calming effects of a fidget spinner. 
In fact, I’m donating my own a special fidget spinner to him, one I carefully crafted and balanced to spin the most tremendously of any fidget toy ever. It will spin so much Mr. Trump will get tired of spinning. I call it Trump’s Little Digit Fidget Winner Spinner. With proper use of this special, tremendously great fidget spinner, Mr. Trump will be able to control his impulsive need to express himself vaingloriously in 140 characters or less. Fidgeting with this spinner, Mr. Trump will care less about how he totally vanquished his opponent Hillary by getting 3 million fewer votes and care more about learning basic social skills that don’t require a mouthful of Tic-Tacs. He will be less inclined to denigrate women, immigrants, military veterans, and the physically handicapped and to develop, better late than never, a basic level of emotional intelligence. 
America is on edge, anxious and unfocused. Our obsession with Fidget spinners is an expression of the symptoms. But the cure is in the cause. Our fidgety Trumpety must spin. Fidget to focus. Spin old man, spin like the wind. 

Trumputin Syrian Plot

Trumputin Syrian Plot
(Trigger warning: the following post contains speculations and alternative facts…read with caution). 
I’m not a conspiracy theorist. But indulge me as I sniff out a rats’ nest of matted hair, rotted pizza, moldy bits of borscht and the detritus of a desperate Trump administration. 
  
Syrian President “The Chinless Henchman” Assad purportedly nerve gasses civilians. He’s already winning the war against his citizens, as Trump says, bigly. So he wakes up one fine morning in his palace, slides off his silk sheets, stretches while gazing out his balcony window and thinks: “I think I’ll gas some folks today. What the hell.” Ok, dozens of innocents are brutally killed and maimed by his gas attack. Oh my gosh, Trump sees gut-wrenching photos of children and babies writhing in agony and is “moved.”  This from a guy who loathes immigrants and whose proposed budget wrecks havoc and suffering on the most vulnerable of Americans. If the recently deceased insult-comedian Don Rickles was “Mr. Warmth”  then Trump surely is “Mr Empathy.” So someone, maybe Ivanka, explains to him the concept of “human suffering.” Ivanka adds in a little deal-sweetener by telling her dad that Assad might have said his chin is larger than Trumps hands. Wow… now we’re talking real human suffering. Let’s bomb an airfield and show that low-energy Little Assad who’s the real boss. Bombs Away! Fifty nine Tomahawks chop up a Syrian runway. NBC’s Brian “The Exaggerator” Williams says he was “guided by the beauty of our weapons,” whatever that means. Other TV pundits declare that by shooting missiles Trump has become Presidential…apparently again, the first time after he exploited a Navy Seal’s death during a speech to Congress. What is it about causing death and destruction that makes mere mortals “Presidential?” But I digress. 
So, Assad nerve gasses his citizens, Trump teaches him a lesson by Tomahawking an airstrip, Trump is suddenly very “Presidential.”  His polls rise. No one is talking about his administration’s alleged collusion with the Russians to help him win the Presidency. Mission accomplished. 
Putin is now saying that Syrian rebels are responsible for the nerve gas attack, not Assad. No one with half of a brain believes that Putin didn’t know of the nerve gas attacks in advance. Did he evacuate his Russian “advisors” on the ground before the attack as many believe. (Damn, I’m sounding like Trump.. many have heard, lot of people are saying…) The big question is: did the Trump administration collude, again, with Putin to stage the gas attacks to take the heat off Trump, reduce interest in the investigation of Russia’s hacking our election and of course bolster Trump’s poll numbers. Putin agrees to order Assad to carry out the gas attacks, tells Trump he can shoot off a few Presidential Tomahawks to scalp an airstrip, allowing Trump officials to criticize Putin’s support for Assad demonstrating to the world that Trump and Putin are not pals. This puts Trump even deeper in debt to Putin but gives him breathing space, better poll numbers and that elusive “Presidential” patina. (A real challenge covering up that tanning salon orange). Meanwhile, Trump remains silent on Putin. No direct criticism. With Putin potentially holding that Golden Shower videotape, is it any wonder? 
Crazy? Yes. Unbelievable? Well, conspiracies are by their nature on the surface not believable. Conspiracy theories are not really theories as much as speculation.  The first dictionary definition of theory is:
  1. a coherent group of tested general propositions, commonly regarded as correct, that can be used as principles of explanation and prediction for a class of phenomena: Einstein’s theory of relativity.  Synonyms: principle, law, doctrine. 
Down the list of theory definitions at number 6 and 7 are:
…..contemplation or speculation: the theory that there is life on other planets
…..guess or conjecture: My theory is that he never stops to think words have consequences.
So, this new Trumputin Syrian nerve gas conspiracy is just that. Speculation. Like Trump’s conspiracy theory that Obama was born in Kenya. Except the latter has been disproven and the former has not. 
Now it’s on to North Korea. Rising provocations mean rising polls.  How “Presidential” will Trump look if he provokes a nuclear conflagration and WW-3? 
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The Craven

The Craven  
The Craven  
(With apologies to E.A. Poe)

Once upon a midnight dreary, while Trump pondered leaks
and leery
over media complaints so furious at his volumes o’misbegotten tweets galore  —

While he plotted, clearly snacking, suddenly there
came a tapping,
As of Obama rap’n tapping crazy
From inside his microwavy.
“ ’Tis some thugger,” thus he muttered, “tapping at my
Oven door—
Only this and and a whole lot more.”

Back to his chamber & cell phone turning, all his coal within him burning,
Soon again he heard a tapping something louder than before.
“Surely,” said he, “surely that is something at my Oval Office door;
Let me see, then, what the threat is, and this mystery explore—
Let my tweets accusatory and this mystery
not ignore
’Tis fake news and nothing more!”
Open here he flung his twitters, when, with Many a fart and flitter,
In there be his TaxReturns
Of the corrupt days of yore;
Perched above his microwave’s door.
Quoth the TaxReturns “Nevermore.”

Guys & Dolls

Guys & Dolls
Maybe it’s just a coincidental diversion from the 24/7 Trump all news all day Trump-this-and-Trump-tweeted-that but dolls are suddenly in the news, fake or not. Dolls, as in American Girl Dolls. Or an American Girl “Boy” doll. As described by Mattel, this 18″ (tall) boy doll, with an algorithmically correct name of Logan Everett, is dressed in hipster t-shirt and dark washed jeans and plays drums in his friend Tenny Grant’s band. The guess is that Tenny (Tennyson?) is still taking guitar lessons in the Mattel incubation 3-D printing  laboratory. 
Since we live in an age when everything has political ramifications even dolls are now politicized and this new American Girl boy doll is shearing our fraying cultural fabric into even smaller shreds and threads.  Political and cultural conservatives are as outraged as are some liberal feminist factions condemning this incursion of plastic male chromosomes into the girly no-boys-allowed worlds of doll collection and play. Other self-proclaimed enlightened parents see Little Logan as a teachable lesson in diversity while others reportedly hold that little boys like to play with dolls too. 
And this brings us to another issue. Is our new American Girl Boy Logan a stealth “gateway doll” priming the pump not just for diversity but for homosexuality, transgenderization and even pedophilia?  (Will Mattel see large orders of Lil’ Logan from The Vatican? Just kidding, Francis!) What are we to do? One answer could be to embrace the newly announced Jazz Jennings Transgender Doll announced recently by a New York doll company, according to the New York Times. 
Based on the real 16 year-old Jazz Jennings, who at age 6 appeared on national television to discuss his transcendent journey from boy to girl, does the new Jazz Transgender doll solve this doll conundrum or add to the confusion and division? Some big questions arise. Foreskinmost – is Jazz T anatomically authentic? Or chromosomally correct? Is it only a matter of time before America’s boy doll Longan’s friend Tenny becomes “Tranny?” 
As Baby Boomers transition from boomers to doomers maybe it’s time for kids to play with old people dolls like the kind one finds on Pinterest. This will prepare them for their career fate of elder parent care. How about American Old Person Doll Elmer Hopkins, age 92, and his nursing home next door resident Florence Flowers, age 90. Elmer and Florence wear cotton jogging pants, pajamas and sweat shirts that say Have a Great Grampy/Grammy Day. The Elmer and Florence dolls comes with their own walkers with removable little tennis balls on the feet. But perhaps the best dolls for these troubled times might be Russian Matryoshka or babushka nesting dolls, one
inside the other, each one unveiling more and more of the rotten truth of Trump’s complicity with the Rooskies to steal the Presidential election. And I wanted to keep this subject just about dolls. Thanks, Trump. 
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