News Clothes..touchy, touchy, touchy….


“Google….announced a new partnership with Levi Strauss in which the companies would try to make interactive garments that would allow people to do things like send someone a text message by swiping their jacket cuff…conductive fabrics that can be weaved into everyday clothes…could register the users touch and transmit information elsewhere, like to a smartphone or tablet computer.”

Just got my new wardrobe box from Trunk Club today.  Inside are my new clothes chosen by myreal, qualified personal stylist, GiGi.  She has learned what I like, and she knows what looks good on me. As I open the Trunk box I feel a sense of anticipation mixed with confidence that my new clothes will fulfill my need not only to be clothed but to be digitally connected as well.
On top, a shirt. Packaged in rustic crinkled paper, like butcher block. Nice. Light green small checked, long-sleeved, cuffs already folded and rolled up two turns telling me it’s informal, casual wear. The Google Interactive GooFib fiber feels slightly stiff on the outside but unusually soft and pliant inside. I unbutton it and slip it on.  Perfect fit. I adjust the collar running my finger along the inside of the size label. My phone dings. There’s an ad for Shout stain removal and a coupon from my local grocer for smoked turkey necks. This shirt has a pocket. Don’t like shirt pockets. I stick my finger in the pocket and my phone dings again… an ad pops up for Wrigley chewing gum, the Montblanc MEISTERSTÜCK RED GOLD CLASSIQUE FOUNTAIN PEN for only $580 and Sir Ahmed’s Whole Wheat Pita Pockets. I smooth the front of the shirt along the lines of my pectorals and up pops a WebMD link on my phone to an article about gynecomastia or male breast enlargement caused by too much booze, weed or….crap, the dreaded LOW T.  Yup, that dings another ad for some kind of testosterone replacement gel and an email link to Big Breasted Women Eager to Please.  Even though the shirt sleeves are pre-rolled, I shoot my cuffs like they do in the movies to straighten them….maybe an extra roll-up would be nice…it’s summer after all.  I duck to the floor as a loud gunshot noise explodes from my phone. Whew, Just a solicitation to join the National Rifle Association and Fandango and Amazon ads for the movie and books of Fifty Shades of Grey.
GiGi also picked out a new pair of socks. Size 10-12.  I’m sure they fit. Feels like a light cotton- synthetic blend and as I pull one over my bare foot my phone vibrates a text offering 25 cents off a can of Dr. Scholl’s Odor-X spray foot powder and a two-for-one deal on toenail fungus paste. [1] 
What else is in my Trunk? GiGi, my real, qualified personalstylist who has learned what I like and knows what looks good on me has selected a light tan pair of chinos. Waist 34, length 30. No cuffs, and please no pleats. No normcore or dad bod here. I drop trou & step into these new pants. Perfect fit! Lookin’ good dude, I dude myself. Whoops, the zipper just got stuck. Just zip it down slowly and start over. Wangggg Wangggg Wangggg my phone alarms…who’s calling me now…I slide open the phone to see a porn video in full streaming and steaming flagrante delicto.
How do the chinos look in the seat? Not too tight, not baggy.. That’s the look I’m looking for and as I smooth out a folded crease along my pants seat my phone rings. Her voice is throaty and craven…”Hello big boy..this is Raven at BootyCall911…I bet you look great in those new chinos….”

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Author: Lawrence Rudmann

Multi-genre comedic political poet and trender/periscoper of what's around the corner. Avid tennis player and ukulele strummer. Comedic poetry stimulator and healer.

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