The Republican Rapture

The Republican Rapture, like the end-of-world Raptures regularly predicted by religious goofs, may have failed to rapture us this time, but as a result of the agreement Obama signed today we might still be on schedule for an American meetup with an economic Dooms Day. Pushed by right-wing Teabagging Republican zealots, the hope of the Republican Rapture was similar to the May 21 (now Oct. 21) Judgement Day that Christian Family radio old guy, Harold Camping, said would separate the Saved from the Left Behind. The August 2, 2011 Republican Rapture would, like the Jesus Rapture, save the Wealthy and Leave Behind the middle and lower income class of Americans. The Debt Ceiling “debate” was formulated and positioned to wreck havoc on the American economy affecting all but the Wealthy, like Number Two Congressional Leader and lead Debt Ceiling negotiator Eric Cantor, who according to Salon (and reported in the Wall Street Journal) “holds between $1,000 and $15,000 invested in ProShares Trust Ultrashort 20+ Year Treasury EFT. The fund aggressively “shorts” long-term U.S. Treasury bonds, meaning that it performs well when U.S. debt is undesirable. (A short is when the trader hopes to profit from the decline in the value of an asset.)”  The crazy religious Rapture asserts that most won’t be saved because they don’t accept Jesus as their savior. With a Republican Rapture, most of America won’t be saved unless it accepts John Boehner (or Mitch McConnell, or Eric Cantor, or any of the Teabagging representatives) as its savior. 
Although President Obama did not, as I described in previous posts below, offer his daughters Malia and Sasha up to the Republican debt “negotiators,” nor did he actually switch parties and become a Republican, denounce Oprah, arrest Rev. Al Sharpton and offer to rescind the 13th Amendment, Mr. Obama, in his temperamentally timid and accommodating manner, gave the farm away instead of even offering to sell it. It’s been said in dozens of ways that the key to failure is trying to please everyone. Mr. Obama may indeed go down as one of history’s worst negotiators, not only showing his hand as soon as the cards are dealt, but making his best bid before anyone has made a move. He did it on the extension of the Bush tax cuts, health care’s public option and now the debt ceiling extension. One wonders who talked him out of texting Bin Laden and giving him a heads-up that we were coming for him…only the “balanced” thing to do, right? Was it Hillary who stopped Obama’s Osama booty call that night?
Hillary. Oh, Hillary. Did we dismiss you without cause in 2007? Why do I see you at the table with the Republican Rapturers negotiating the Debt Limit? Why do I see John Boehner’s spray-on nicotine tan sweat-drip down his jowly cheeks while avoiding your Hillary Stare;  licking your lips in an evil cojones-ripping squint at Eric Cantor, and with a toss of your latest hair-do whiplash to tears the blowfish-faced Mitch McConnell. I hear you Hillary. Spending cuts. Yeah, sure…but real tax increases (not bullshit revenue enhancements) on you Bigbuck Mofas and your Bigbuck Mofa lobbyists, corporate jetsetters, bankers, wall street hedgefunders and oil barons. Take it or leave it. I’ll sign the damn debt limit extension using the 14th Amendment or maybe just Presidential prerogative to save the Republic. Oh, Hillary. You must be almost sighing, bemused now at how your conqueror now rules and leads. He leads from behind. And thus leaves us behind wallowing in the entrails of the Republican Rapture. 

Author: Lawrence Rudmann

Multi-genre comedic political poet and trender/periscoper of what's around the corner. Avid tennis player and ukulele strummer. Comedic poetry stimulator and healer.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s