In last-minute efforts to avoid a national economic default of epic proportions, and ensure reduced taxes for the nation's wealthy job creators, President Obama today announced that he would switch parties and become a Republican embracing in totality the Republican conservative agenda for America. To sweeten the deal, the President also said he would denounce TV mogul Oprah Winfrey, arrest Rev. Al Sharpton and consider repeal of the 13th Amendment which abolished slavery. Mr. Obama also promised to consult with the dermatologist and plastic surgeon of the late King of Pop Michael Jackson to begin a regimen of skin lightening and facial reconstruction to create a visage resembling Vivien Leigh/Scarlett O'Hara.
After last week's offer of his two daughters, Malia and Sasha was rejected by Speaker John Boehner and Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell, Mr. Obama's new outreach to the Republicans is hoped to at least stir some interest of the Tea Bagger Party in resolving the impasse.
“At least now he's heading in the right direction,” said Speaker Boehner. “As soon as he fires Biden and replaces him with Michele Bachmann, I think we might be able to move toward a solution,” he said. “Also, abolishing that 13th Amendment thing is an absolute necessity,” he said.
After the President's offer to eliminate Leftist deficit-digging programs like Meals-On-Wheels, School Lunch and Head Start and raising Medicare and Social Security eligibility to age 89 was deemed “too timid and not enough” by House Republicans, the Administration now seems willing to publicly announce that the President now thinks that Oprah sucks.
“If this doesn't close the deal, then nothing will,” an unnamed White House aide said.