My dear fellow Americans:
It’s been over four long years since I descended that escalator with my lovely wife Malanney to announce my candidacy for the President of the U.S. Since then of course I have been your president, having technically, thru the Electoral College, won the election, even though I received over 3 million fewer votes than Hillary Clinton.
So here I stand before you with just one day remaining before former Vice President Joe Biden takes the reins from me. And I gladly hand him this honor and power. He deserves it having legitimately defeated me by over 7 million votes and a huge margin the the Electoral College. Believe me now, even though I have told you over 30,000 lies since 2016, Joe Biden won this election honestly and without a shred of fraud and doubt. I regret that I won’t attend his inauguration but to be honest with you (haha) my thin-skinned ego simply would not survive the sight of me standing humbled and defeated while Sleepy Joe Biden takes the oath of My Office. Maybe someday I’ll be able to call him and offer apologies and a belated congratulations. But I doubt it.
I announced my presidential candidacy with threats, taunts, horrible mis-characterizations of immigrants, especially Mexicans. I taunted my faux enemies with threats of imprisonment, stoking their insecurities and fear of a future that warned of an America dominated by multiculturalism and liberal permissiveness; an economy dependent on multinational and foreign interests. I pretended to want an America of Norman Rockwell’s white picket fences, church-going suburbs, old fashioned subservient women, anti-women’s choicers, the mythical religious and sexual mores of the 1950s, strong country folk and the hardy pioneering bootstrap spirit of white America. What I really wanted, but couldn’t say, was that I just wanted to piss off Barack Obama for making me the butt of his jokes at the 2011 Washington DC Correspondents’ Association Dinner. That’s why I ran for this damn job. I’m thin-skinned, alright! If you had been raised by a Fred Trump you would be too, believe me. Understand this: bluster, lies and deceptions are the only way I know how to act. Please read my lovely niece Mary Trump’s book. I never thought I would actually become President and once I realized I had won, the thought of being the leader of the free world and the most powerful person on the planet quite frankly scared the bejezeeus out of me. But I digress. (See, I’m not as illiterate as I’m depicted.. haha) What I actually decided after I’d been inconceivably elected, was to maximize the situation, which meant maximize the situation to my personal benefit.
I’m not a planner. I don’t really think linearly, nor do I think like a chess player. No 3-D moves for me. I’m all instinct, gut. If it feels right, do it. If it can profit me or increase my bottom line, just do it! Hey, that’s a really good motto, right? Just do it! I could sell shoes with that motto! I have the best words, you know! So when I got elected, damnit…(sorry evangelicals!) I knew I had to court and reward those poor yahoos who voted for me. Yup, as I’ve said before, I love the uneducated! And those folks see their self-interest, not in terms of economics, but reinforcement of their values..which basically meant to have someone to look down upon, to see others worse off, not white. Feed’em someone and something to blame, rile up resentment, point fingers at those “elites,” those who live on the coasts, who prefer wine over Bud; who put science and climate change over jobs. Who want to shut the country down because of a fake virus. Of course who fertilized those crazy ideas in their shallow little skulls? Me of course! Even I’m smart enough to know that if you add up all the old white men who are still fighting the Sixties cultural wars (those damn hippies!); religious folks who want to control women’s bodies; rural white folks who can’t understand why just being white hasn’t propelled them past Blacks and Brown folks…where’s the privilege in being white if a Black gets promoted over a white? If you say over and over again that immigrants are invading our shores like a pestilence; that liberals want to move minorities into your pristine white suburban enclaves; that everything you read, see and hear in the media is FAKE NEWS, (except Fox News!); that blaming China for everything else… repeat, stir, repeat, stir, over and over until you’ve cooked a cauldron full of toxic hate, resentment, cynicism, self-pity, and a thirst for revenge. And that’s my voting base. Not quite a majority, but still pretty damn potent. So potent that I could shoot someone on 5th Ave and they’d still love me. Haha, remember that line…beautiful!
Yes, it’s been a tremendous ride. Me in Air Force One and limos. You standing crowded and maskless and cold at my virus super-spreader rallies. Me winking and dog-whistling you to act on your worst angels, your darkest fears, your misguided notions of justice.
I know, I know…we hit a few speed bumps along the way. As I said about those dead veterans when they wanted me to visit some beach in Normandy France, impeach me once, you’re the fool; impeach me twice you’re suckers and losers. I sometimes think that my biggest problem, let’s face it, is that I’m just too damn honest and my best words just leap outta my mouth before being processed thru my very stable genius brain.
Well, quess I have to mention COVID. COVID, COVID, COVID. Sick and tired of hearing about it. Yeah, 400,000 of you died from it, but billions more would have died if I hadn’t… aww crap, I admit it..I really screwed this up. Of all the luck, great economy, stock market the best, my portfolios were really kicking ass, and then comes along this China virus and damn scientists like that Fauci guy says we all gotta wear masks. Do you know what a mask does to my makeup? Smears my tan, makes me look like a red-rumped orangutan. Enough said. Fix it Joe. It’s your problem now.
And one more thing before I go. That January 6 riot thing at the Capitol. You can’t blame me for trying. It’s not that I really want four more years of this job. But I do admit that I got used to some of the perks, and even the responsibilities, like pardoning a turkey at Thanksgiving and greeting football and baseball championship teams in the White House. And who would pass up an opportunity to host Kanye West and Kim K while he dropped the F Bomb with me sitting behind my Dissolute, I mean Resolute Desk! Good Times! Hey, Air Force One is a pretty sweet ride, but I’ll miss the chance to rename it Space Force One. Maybe I’ll talk with Joe about that.
So, go I must. As I said, it’s been a hellalva trip. Now get back to normal, buck up MAGA suckas, and as they say on the bus, keep on grabbin’.
Your Once & Only President Trump