I plan to run for office as a Republican somewhere and sometime soon for a particular office yet to be announced. But trust me. It’s Big.
Who am I? Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Lawrence Santooz. My parents were humble peasants who escaped the Holocaust and the killings fields of Pol Pot in Cambodia. (They later pulled themselves up by their bootstraps to become American oligarchs and successful venture capitalists.) Perhaps a synopsis of my curriculum vitae will help.
I am a Gentleman. Of a certain age. In my younger days I held various positions of vital importance to the welfare, vitality and robustness of our nation. In my capacity as a young Wall Street Banker I led a team on a $3.2 billion acquisition of a publicly traded company by a large private equity firm and was Involved in initial due diligence, preparation of the CIM, creation of the PowerPoint deck, etc.
I Graduated magna cum laude as a Presidential Scholar and was on the
Dean’s List all semesters at several elite Coastal Colleges. As a youngster I received a full scholarship to attend Sidwell Friends School in Washington D. C. and became lifelong friends with many children of Presidents and other influentials.
Upon graduating from my elite colleges in the 1990s I was recruited by NASA to join its elite Astronaut Academy and upon successful completion with high honors I flew on various intergalactic missions to Mars and Uranus. Following my stints at NASA, I devoted several years to negotiating for the release of many American hostages imprisoned in communist nations including former Chicago Bulls star Dennis Rodman, child TV star Pee Wee Herman and Chelsea Clinton. After the 9-11 attack on the Twin Towers, from which I narrowly escaped after rescuing many workers trapped on the 188th floor, I decided to join the CIA as a Special Elite Forces “agent provocateur” and led the first Secret Force Termination Unit that unearthed Saddam Hussein in his “spider hole.” This experience inspired me years later to volunteer to storm the hideout of Osama Bin Laden. Although I cannot publicly assert the truth that I was the first of our brave unit to shoot Bin Laden to death, my government may someday attest to this fact when the history books are written.
My recent accomplishments include inventing Lithium-ion anti-depressant supplements used to combat buyers remorse for owners of Tesla automobiles and donating my sperm to Elon Musk to propagate his ten children. Although I have taken a sabbatical from active public employment I devote special time to the rescue of indigent South American donkeys which have been abandoned in coffee plantations. My Juan Valdez Balthazar Donkey Foundation has raised sums in the billions to care for these cruelly treated beasts of burden. And lastly, since sports are an integral part of the American spirit and culture, my humble athletic endeavors probably should merit mention. As captain of our water polo team at an elite college a bronze statue of my classic cuts and dribbles has been commissioned and is still in the process of construction by famed artist Claes Oldenburg. Besides excelling in Pétanque lawn bowling, I also perform part-time as a visiting dancer in the Bolshoi ballet and conduct Drag Queen Story Hour events in local communities.
So, I feel it’s high time I answer to a higher calling which can only mean election to a high office. I believe in the motto, for which I hold a copyright, that as man makes the clothes, so do the clothes make the man. My sartorial choices…old-school preppy, vintage button sweaters and white button-down bespoke shirts that when worn with a dark merino wool crew neck sweater almost gives me a trustworthy, priestly Roman collar appearance, along with the occasional cardigans wrapped insouciantly backward around my waist say volumes about my status as a uber-man in the American heritage tradition of Self-Made Man.
Stay tuned as my Republican cohorts gather round me in my pursuit of my American Dream and fend off inevitable Democrat attacks on me and my amazing career. I look forward as the nation embraces me in all my meaningful and persuasive confidence and anxiously await serving you and all the American people. God Bless America.