On Day One….first day in office..
What WILL they do…..
A common meme among Presidential aspirants is to announce to prospective supporters the number one thing he or she will do on DAY ONE, immediately following the last utterance of the last syllable of the oath of office. “….so help me goddd….and now I now proclaim that all children over the age of 5 be indentured to serve out their childhood fulfilling Prime Now orders in Amazon warehouses across this great nation… Oh, and yeah, I just killed Obamacare.”
Telling voters what you will do on Day One if elected to sleep in the White House is an act of extreme pandering that has become almost a campaign obligation like appearing in rolled-up shirtsleeves standing on a bale of hay in mega church singing gawd bless America. So to supplement the already Day One promises I suggest the following for the current crop of clown candidates.
Donald “The Rumpus” Trumpus: his first day is already full with building that 1,954 mile-long wall between the U.S. and Mexico. But what Trump and his supporters (Trumportors) are really looking forward to on Day One will be the issuance of his one-to-ten rankings list of supermodels. His recent preview ranking of Heidi Klum as less than a “10” …. was just what the nation needed during our summer of discontent.
Scott “Recall” Walker: On Scott’s big Day One he will issue himself a college degree. Honorary of course, but better than nothing.
Ted (Count Chocula) Cruz: Day One will also be the Last Day as he will announce the official shutting down of the U. S. Government.
Rand “Curly” Paul: That curly mop will see not another day as Prez Paul gets a Brazilian Blowout hair-straightening treatment on Day One.
Marco “Thirsty Boy” Rubio: Republicans like walls. On Day One El Presidente Rubio better get constructing a wall around Miami to keep the rising “non-human-induced non-climate change” sea levels from washing Florida away.
Chris “The Bully”Christie : You can be sure this New Jersey bully President will supersize whatever he plans for Day One…and of course, fries with that.
Lindsey “Sweetheart” Graham: On Day One Prezzy Lindsey promises to reveal who he has met on the dating site “CongressWithMe” to join him as his FLOTUS.
Rick “Oops” Perry: Prez Perry is looking forward thru his new genius glasses to finally on Day One …..”doing sumthang…uh, uh, open up a can of oop ass?”
Jeb “Mama’s Boy” Bush: Day One of his return of the Dynasty to the Throne, Jebsonofabush will stick the head of Saadam Hussain on the White House fence. Saadam’s head has been lovingly cared for by Dick Cheney in his Wyoming bunker since his execution in 2003. “This one’s for you Mommy,” Jeb’ll say.
Mike “Fat Again” Huckabee: And on The First Day, President Huckabee, author of his biblical best seller “God, Guns, Grits & Gravy“ will conjur the wrath of God, the death of Guns, the whiteness of Grits and the grease of Gravy to require all Demon-crats to pack open-carry heat and dine at Cracker Barrel, Chick fil’A , Pizza Hut and Waffle House.
Rick “Man-on-Dog” Santorum: Like Mike the Huckabee, President Santorum.. Can’t say that word…(yuckyphew!) awww crap, forget it..
Bobby “Apu” Jindal: first India-heritage President Jindal’s Day One proclamation will require all Kwicky Marts to serve Cajun-style slur-pees.
Carly “InkJet” Fiorina: The first U.S.
trans-gender woman President, Prez Fiorina issues a blanket pardon on Day One to all manufacturers of ink jet printers for the crime of charging customers $8,000 per gallon ($32/half ounce) for ink refills. In a sign of bipartisanship she also rescinds her campaign promise to run the U.S. government like she did Hewlet Packard.
John “Semi-Normal Republican” Kasich and George “My middle name really IS Elmer” Pataki: Fantasy President Kasich and Fantasy Vice Principal Pataki’s Day One fantasy promise to go to Disney World will be a fantasy fulfilled. They will be joined by the remaining fantasy Republican candidates:
James C. Mitchell
K. Ross Newland
Hillary “The Rodham” Clinton: What a Day One! Been waiting for this one a long time. Ahhhh. Saporem Diem. Savor the Day. Guess what Bill? You been served. D. I. V. O. R. C. E.
Bernie “Burn Baby Burn” Sanders: President Bernie, incendiary socialist, will wait until May 1st, May Day, to declare Day One when he’ll Bernie y’all rich white mofcukas asses down.