Dick Cheney Apologizes…?

Since Dick Cheney won’t apologize for anything, I’ll do it for him…

Former President George Bush’s underling Vice P. Dick Cheney continues to rear his evil shrunken head grabbing headlines by criticizing Obama’s cabinet picks and insuring the world that he doesn’t apologize for or regret anything in his life.

Last year it was his “no apologies”memoir, now it’s a recent documentary,  THE WORLD ACCORDING TO DICK CHENEY, which amounts another helping of sour left-over no-apologies. As the world recently marked the 10th anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, the Cheney-Bush-Rummy-Condi-Colin’s two trillion dollar war that slaughtered more than 4,400 Americans, injured more than 32,000 Americans and killed more than 100,000 Iraqis, Mr. Cheney continues to spend his remaining days on a self-congratulatory “no-apologies” tour.

If Mr. Cheney won’t apologize for his murderous war or anything else he’s done in his strangelovian life, well I suppose it’s time, before he passes from this world into the depths of his own special room in Hell, that someone steps up and apologizes for him. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.

So here it goes:  To all of Humanity.. I, Dick Cheney, offer my whole and transplant-hearted apologies for:

Dodging the Vietnam war draft five (5) times, while chicken-hawking and stoking the flames of wars for others to be maimed and killed in. I apologize profusely for publicly stating that “I had other priorities,” as my excuse for dodging service to my nation.

I also apologize for supporting and promoting the wiretapping of American citizens, warrant-less Gitmo detention of suspected enemies, and the waterboarding and torture of enemy combatants in defiance of the Geneva Conventions.

I apologize for my egregious and purposeful lies to the American public about the existence of WMDs in Iraq and my vile role in leading America into the invasion of a sovereign nation that had no role in the 9-11 attack on the US. I am also sorry for publicly stating that the Iraq War would be “an enormous success story.” (although I admit it was a financial success personally for me..ha ha). Although I apologize for that war, I admit that I will never be able to wash the blood of American soldiers and innocent Iraqi men, women and children from my greedy withered hands.

I apologize for my Iraq war profiteering that further enriched me by benefiting my former company Halliburton in its oil and construction ventures in that nation. I’m sorry that as Secretary of Defense – 1989-93-  I awarded Defense contracts to Halliburton and later was paid $44 million as Chairman of Board and CEO of Halliburton.

I also apologize for tricking poor dumb George W. Bush into accepting me as his running mate in the 2000 election. By assigning myself as the head of his search team for a credible Vice Presidential candidate, I sifted thru all the potential applicants only to, behold, find the perfect Vice: me! (I’m really sorry for that one!).

Although I apologize for these and numerous other minor and mostly major (sorry, Harry, for shooting you on that hunting trip) failures, schemes and crimes against humanity, I also wish to apologize for the innumerable medical resources that I’ve spent, probably the result of 20 years of 3-pack-a-day smoking. My multiple heart attacks, pacemakers, vein transplants used up valuable medical time and money. My heart transplant last year grabbed a heart from an anonymous donor that could have certainly been given to a more worthy recipient than me.

Sincerely,

Dick Cheney, your humble public servant. (just kidding…)

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