Apple To Drop Face Scanning in Next iPhone XI…Rectal Scanning the Next Big Thing.

According to recently revealed secret documents and pre-patent submissions Apple is planning to ditch its newly announced Face Scanning recognition system announced in its newest IPhone X.

Engineering documents show that the next iteration of Apple’s iPhone will implement 3-D Rectal Scanning biometric sensors in all new devices.

An anonymous source at Apple describes rectal scans as the ultimate in personal biometric security. “This new technology takes personal security to a deeper level than finger or face scanning,” according to the source. “It’s well known that no two assholes look alike.”

The new recognition system, tentatively called, “iBendova” will open an iPhone securely using one of two methods. A simple and quick single-finger gesture wave of the phone’s rear camera in front of a pre-registered anus opens the the phone to full functionality. The user can opt for an alternative method called ProctiScan by wearing a special inserted wireless Apple “AirProbe” into rectum initiating a new proprietary protocol called “Brown Tooth” to wirelessly open the iPhone.

An unnamed engineering source said the new recognition system is expected to gain “widespread” acceptance although there are a few significant “buts” to overcome including a projected shortage of flushable 3-D infra-red sensors as well as some minor privacy concerns.

Hey NFL, Maybe Stop Playing the National Anthem? Ok?

Why do American sport franchises, football to baseball, insist on playing the national anthem before games? How did this tradition get started? Wartime tradition. The anthem is a war song, a “battle” like sports? What’s the purpose of a pregame ceremony? To tease the sweaty throngs who witness athletic feats and hoped-for mayhem. To whet their appetite with a little taste of blood, guts and glory. It’s a football game. Like the motto of the Secondary School in Sierra Leone where I once taught: “Play The Game.” Just play the damn game. And what does the American flag have to do with any sport? Why should players and fans be asked to declare their respect, allegiance or love of country by placing hand over heart and singing a national anthem? Because it’s a nice thing to do, some say. Because it allows people to express their communal national fidelity say others. But why at a sporting event and not at a performance of a Verdi opera, a movie or rock concert. What is so inherent in sports to demand a mass display of nationalistic patriotism?

Last year NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick kneeled rather than stood during his team’s presentation of the national anthem. He said he was protesting racism and police brutality in America. Now, the talented quarterback, who opted out of his contract with the San Francisco 49ers this year, is being blacklisted by other NFL teams as punishment. No team will hire him because he exercised his 1st Amendment right to express his opinion. What if a player wasn’t protesting anything or trying to make some sort of statement by not standing during the singing of the Anthem? What if a player is just too lazy to stand or simply chooses to kneel, crouch or sit rather that stand? Will he be blacklisted for his act of not standing? Is it the act of protest or the act of refusing to stand that gets the player in trouble?

How many TV viewers even watch, let alone stand in front of their TVs, hand over heart, while some NFL-approved singer belts out their unique version of the Star Spangled Banner before a game. Confess. If you walk out of the room to grab a beer or mute the sound or remain sitting in your laz-a-boy when the singing begins before the game then are you just as “unpatriotic” as Kaepernick? Or maybe you are protesting racism? Or is there an unwritten rule that says you only have to stand when physically in the stadium or stands? And why are the seats located in the “stands” anyway?

Recently other NFL players have demonstrated support of Kaepernick by refusing to stand for the anthem before preseason games. If support from more players, the majority of whom are Black, continues, the NFL might have a problem on its hands. Solution: dispense with the pregame display of patriotism, flag waving and singing the national anthem. And no military jets flying over the stadiums. Why conflate a nation’s military prowess with a sporting event?

Or we could go full-flag nationalistic.

The Philippines recently proposed a law requiring citizens to sing along enthusiastically whenever the national anthem is played in public. “The singing shall be mandatory and must be done with fervour,” the Bill states. The law would also mandate the tempo of any public performance of the anthem – it must fall between 100 and 120 beats per minute. If the Bill, which will be considered by the Senate, is approved and signed into law, a failure to sing the anthem with sufficient energy would be punishable by up to a year in prison and a considerable monetary fine. A second offence would include both a fine and prison time, and violators would be penalised by “public censure” in a newspaper.

The Supreme Court in India ruled last November that movie theatres would be required to play the national anthem before screenings, and that moviegoers would be required to stand.

But back to the good old U.S.of A. If sport fans insist on some type of pregame ceremony, song or performance, then how about a mini-scene from a Shakespeare play, a dramatic reading from Homer’s The Odyssey, an aria from “Rigoletto or a preview of a movie or simply a Queen standard such as “We Are the Champions,” or “Bohemian Rhapsody” (my vote); or an act by a gaggle of juggling street mimes or sword swallowers. Ringling Brothers circus recently closed shop so there must be a surplus of good acts or clowns willing to perform.

But if more NFL players choose to support Kaepernick then maybe NFL stadiums will have to install kneeling benches, like in some churches. Football is almost a religion in America anyway. Just saying.

New Defections from Trump’s White Supremacy Presidential Advisory Board

Self styled racist and KKK Grand Poobah David Duke today announced that he is resigning from President Trump's White Supremacy Presidential Advisory Board. This follows a week-long cascade of resignations from various White House Presidential Advisory Boards, including arts, infrastructure, business, technology, penis sexting and women's grab-bagging.

Duke, a stalwart supporter and defender of the president, reportedly said that recent revisions to the White Supremacy Board's mission and agenda "are way too racist and supreme, even for me. "I mean, I know I'm white and supreme but this Advisory Board goes over board." he said. Duke said recent Board discussions by the Racial Purity subcommittee would mandate strict DNA analysis and verification of white heritage. "Look," he said, you just never know what you'll find heritage-wise when you start looking for it. If you look white, then as far as I'm concerned you're good enough white for me." Other White Supremacy Board members, including Ollie Snopestuff, CEO of Chain Saw Chewers Unit 14 of Sheatolh, Alabama and the United Assembly of Southern Torch Marchers, Randal Hawgswalla III, said they were also thinking about leaving the Advisory Board. "Ah got ma on probins wit all thees thangs," said Hawgswalla. "I mean looka Trump hissef…kinda urnge color if you axe me. Where's his white? Jus round his baggy eyeballs fur as I can see. Ah jus dunno."

Repeal & Replace – Yourself, Mr. Trump

Could our long national nightmare be coming to an end? After only 7 plus months, time that now seems an eternity, is the strange malignant man in the White House about to repeal and replace himself? He never really wanted the job in the first place seeking it only out of spite and revenge on President Obama.

Such a strange man. Whoever thought a defender of the Confederacy would rise from the canyons of Manhattan, a slick city-slicker who never worked up an honest day's sweat in his life and inherited his daddy's riches and racism. Who ever thought that an admitted sexual predator, the infamous grabber, a guy who lusted over his own daughter, the guy who once salivated over a ten year old girl on an escalator and lasciviously smirked "I'll be dating her in a few years," could be elected President of the U.S. Whoever thought we would have as President a defender of the traitorous secessionists who turned citizens against each other over the right to own slaves and who now wants to preserve memorials to their traitorous leaders.

Yet it happened. Despite losing the popular vote by about 3 million votes, real estate and morally bankrupt mogul Trump ascended to the nation's highest office on a technicality that is antithetical to the core one-person-one-vote code of democracy.

This strange man, who occupies a revered house ("it's a real dump," he recently said) where Americans allow their Presidents to live in order to preside over their democracy and the moral order of American culture and life. It's called the White House, built by slaves forced to labor for its design and purpose. A house painted a symbolic all-inclusive "equality white" (white is all of the colours of the light spectrum, added together) as a symbol of aspiration and dreams, not a house painted an exclusive "supreme" white.

This strange fellow, our President, said that many of the marching tiki-torch-carrying mob in Charlottesville, VA were "fine people." This strange man says things like this not just because he believes it, but because he must believe it in order to satisfy his insatiable appetite for never admitting he's wrong. This is a guy who'll double down on a meaningless argument over the size of his….inaugural crowd.

We have already gone from democracy to kleptocracy. If Trump repeals and replaces himself then we will have a Pence theocracy. Praise the lord, and pass the chastity belts.

Elite Transgender US Navy Units on Standby

President Twrump today announced that units of the US Navy's Very Special Transgender Extreme Elite CAITLYN (Combat Active Imperial Troops Leading Your Nation) Troops are on standby for possible action in North Korea, Venezuela, Las Vegas or any place that the US could possibly attack in order to boost his poll ratings.

Authorized under a top secret Navy program, CAITLYN Teams specialize in undercover subterfuge, shock and awe and mock coleslaw.

"By activating CAITLYN I send the strongest statement possible that the US stands ready to transfer a fusillade flurry of furious fire to our enemies," Twump said.

The Navy's Transgender CAITLYN Combat Teams are used only in very special circumstances that require the utmost physical and psychological warfare tactics. Navy CAITLYN Teams were created under a secret order, until recently leaked by President Twump. "I wanted the most beautiful and amazing military offensive force ever created in the history of the world, he announced. "These battle-tested warriors are the best…the best. Our Navy SEAL Teams are good, but CAITLYNS are amazing, probably an 8 or 9 out of ten, I'd say. Besides, CAITLYN can beat Seal any day, right? Yuge, beautiful and deadly, these CAITLYN Teams are the best..the best. The best," he said.

Elite CAITLYN Teams don special chameleon camo called Wombat Combat fatigues, named in honor of the elusive and ferocious Wombat, whose daring do's and exploits are chronicled in Will Cuppy's "How to Attract the Wombat (1935, Curtis Publishing). Spoiler alert: you don't.

De-Nuking Trump

Trump says he wants to"de-nuke" the world…by destroying it with nukes.

It's the ultimate de-nuclearization plan. Dang, does this guy know how to make a deal, or what!! Talk and tweet blusters and carry a 1,000 nukes.

This is what happens when we elect a Small hands-on the Big Button guy.

This is what happens when the world's most respected democracy overnight finds itself under the leadership of a thieving narcissistic vain prevaricating sexual predator unpopularly elected by a deficit of 3 million votes.

This is where we are today. One-upping our enemies, picking fights with pitiful third world nations.

This is what happens when our unpopular-elected leader sinks to 30 percent in national approval polls. America loves a "war president." War: the last refuge of an unpopular president.

This is how the world ends. Not with a whimper, but with a meaningless trump.

Don Trump Dum & Kim Jong Un

The father learns from the son. It appears that our Maximum Blessed Leader Don Trump Dum has been taking lessons in public threats. Although analysis of his public speaking and twittering (not reading speeches) reveals that our Dear Leader has an amazing vocabulary of almost 410 words, The Matchless Dealmaker has been brushing up on his Third World Dictator Rhetoric. Channeling his fatty young mentor, Kim Jong Un, who reliably issues his doomsday warnings in over-the-top rhetorical flourishes, our Old Fatty Leader told the world that he would send Young Kim "fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen."

Young Fat Kim recently told Old Fat Don: "If we push the buttons to annihilate the enemies even right now, all bases of provocations will be reduced to seas in flames and ashes in a moment and the U.S. imperialists’ nuclear strategic means on which the puppet forces depend as ‘saviors’ turn into piles of scrap iron whether they are in the air, seas and land … The army and people of the DPRK will make the gunfire of provocateurs in the reckless war of aggression sound as a sad dirge.”

Ok. This proves sadly that the U.S. is lagging behind North Korea in the Strategic Upyours Florid Rhetorical Syntax (SUFRS) arms (and lip) race. If "fire and fury" is the best we can do, then gods help us – the battle is already lost. Are our SUFRS reserves nearly depleted? We obviously need to restock, rebuild and restore our strategic reserves. May I suggest the following syntactical rhetorical flamboyant constructions guaranteed to boost Don Trump Dum's threat cred and send sonny boy Kim scurrying for cover in his personal bomb shelter under his secret golf course. Take this, Supreme Dear Leader:

"No pity for your corpulent Dear Leader and his weakling generals and soft doughy armies of the DRNK as your flesh-burns in atomic reaction to our mighty scourge from the skies."

And this:

"You and your commie cohorts should start beseeching your Satan idols to save you from America's Christian No-Mercy Vengeful Wrath. When we unleash our all-powerful Lord of the Skies Justice hell's fire will feel like unguents of balm compared to the suffering succotashes about to sprout up your sorry pinko butts."

Or this:

"Bow down ye north of the 38th parallel heathens before our murderous honored and respected armies of Love and Freedom which promise to squash your hopes, dreams and faces into the bloody mud of your soon to be defeated homeland. No mercy on your charred and twisted corpses as Jesus beats Juche every time."

We must not spare the ROD, Rhetoric of Doom, that we could rain down upon Lil' Kim (the fatty…not not washed-up rapper). "Fire and Fury?" Nah. Sounds like pair of cute kittens.