Although I’m not a physician, I sometimes attempt to play one on the internet. Like many hypochondriacs, I often diagnose whatever daily symptoms I unearth in my decrepit bodily state by consulting the myriad health web sites such as Web MD, Mayo Clinic, Shamanize DotCom and Farmers Almanac. As I wrote in a recent blog post, I think we should be worried for Donald Trump’s health. His florid face, slow pendulous gait, saggybaggy frame and fast food habits should concern us all. So after consulting many medical web sites, Big Pharma daytime TV commercials, The Merck Veterinary Manual, Gray’s Anatomy of the Human Body and Daytime TV re-runs, and A Field Guide to Hunters’ Self-inflicted Shotgun Wounds, I have compiled a prescriptive list of medications and remedies that I recommend Mr. Trump ask his doctor if they are right for him.
Number One on my list is ibuprofen. This anti-inflammatory med will relieve Mr. Trump of the one of his most debilitating ailments: the heartbreak of embarrassing Inflammatory Statement Idiot Syndrome (ISIS) With a strong dose of this common med Trump will still think that Mexicans are rapists and women are disgusting fat pigs but not articulate these thoughts verbally. Take 3 x a day with a cup of chamomile tea.
It’s apparent that Trump is suffering from IBS, irritable bowel syndrome. His extreme gesturing with his short fingers, always pointing awkwardly up, as if seeking to plug a looseness within, is a sure sign that his bowels are irritated. Prescription: lots of options, but the Doctor thinks he should…uh…just suck it up.
Since we’re in this area anyway, Trump’s little puckered mouth, lips pursed in a knot, is a clear indication of some serious hemorrhoidal issues. Obvious relief: Preparation AH. Apply whenever mouth puckers.
Donald is famous for his sensitivity to criticism. At his ripe age of 70 he is becoming even more thin-skinned than ever. The Doctor prescribes gentle exfoliation of his outer epidermal germinal terminal with a soft application of baby oil on the Trumpus rumpus.
As the campaign rolls on and Hillary gains in the polls, Mr Grumpy Trumpy exhibits strong symptoms of the Dreaded Low Jive T. aka DJT. He seems to be unable to focus on the locus, is short-tempered, resents (or is jealous of) women, and people, this is just what I’m hearing, I’m hearing it from everyone, folks….he has been having spontaneous eruptions of little girl tears. Obvious diagnosis: LOW T. Shoot him up with some Second Amendment Testostoronium says the Doctor!
Mr. Trump’s orange hair and skin color is an obvious sign of carotenemia, usually caused by eating too many carrots and colorful vegetables. But Trumps fondness for McDonald’s and KFC fast foods rule out this diagnosis. So I recently consulted a Catholic Guilt Counselor, Father Peter Rast, who posits that Mr. Trump’s attraction to all-white friends and audiences has submerged deep within his meager consciousness a multicultural guilt complex that manifests itself through discoloration of his skin from pale white to a smarmy orange. Father Rast recommends exorcism and the administration of Extreme UnctIon or Last Rites, plus a liberal application of Clearasil to clear up that mean girl junior high complexion.
And lastly, the elephant, or muskrat, in the room: Trump’s flamboyant bouffant combed-over-and-back-left-and-right hair. Although not technically a disease or syndrome, his peacock exhibition of his hair invites analysis. Once again, some people are saying, in fact a lot of people are saying…folks…this is just what I’m hearing…believe me…that Donald J. Trump is as bald as a buzzard’s beak buried in the bowels of a bloated four day old opossum roadkill. Renowned hair specialist Doctor Estensión Weavier has seen this extreme hair style only once in her illustrious career. As she recalls, “I was on a trip in the Amazon in search of an ancient mysterious hair growing plant used by the Trumpanamba tribe called “hertadagonatumora,” from the extinct species rogainafolliculus. After consulting many indigenous people I came to learn that this magical plant had been devoured to the point of extinction by local Red Rumped Macaque Primates whose clan grew long orange hair swooped in a style that covered their red naked rumps…a style now favored by the Republican nominee for the US President.” As to his apparent need for this bizarre manifestation…there is no cure, she added.
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