News Clothes..touchy, touchy, touchy….

“Google….announced a new partnership with Levi Strauss in which the companies would try to make interactive garments that would allow people to do things like send someone a text message by swiping their jacket cuff…conductive fabrics that can be weaved into everyday clothes…could register the users touch and transmit information elsewhere, like to a smartphone or tablet computer.”

Just got my new wardrobe box from Trunk Club today.  Inside are my new clothes chosen by myreal, qualified personal stylist, GiGi.  She has learned what I like, and she knows what looks good on me. As I open the Trunk box I feel a sense of anticipation mixed with confidence that my new clothes will fulfill my need not only to be clothed but to be digitally connected as well.
On top, a shirt. Packaged in rustic crinkled paper, like butcher block. Nice. Light green small checked, long-sleeved, cuffs already folded and rolled up two turns telling me it’s informal, casual wear. The Google Interactive GooFib fiber feels slightly stiff on the outside but unusually soft and pliant inside. I unbutton it and slip it on.  Perfect fit. I adjust the collar running my finger along the inside of the size label. My phone dings. There’s an ad for Shout stain removal and a coupon from my local grocer for smoked turkey necks. This shirt has a pocket. Don’t like shirt pockets. I stick my finger in the pocket and my phone dings again… an ad pops up for Wrigley chewing gum, the Montblanc MEISTERSTÜCK RED GOLD CLASSIQUE FOUNTAIN PEN for only $580 and Sir Ahmed’s Whole Wheat Pita Pockets. I smooth the front of the shirt along the lines of my pectorals and up pops a WebMD link on my phone to an article about gynecomastia or male breast enlargement caused by too much booze, weed or….crap, the dreaded LOW T.  Yup, that dings another ad for some kind of testosterone replacement gel and an email link to Big Breasted Women Eager to Please.  Even though the shirt sleeves are pre-rolled, I shoot my cuffs like they do in the movies to straighten them….maybe an extra roll-up would be nice…it’s summer after all.  I duck to the floor as a loud gunshot noise explodes from my phone. Whew, Just a solicitation to join the National Rifle Association and Fandango and Amazon ads for the movie and books of Fifty Shades of Grey.
GiGi also picked out a new pair of socks. Size 10-12.  I’m sure they fit. Feels like a light cotton- synthetic blend and as I pull one over my bare foot my phone vibrates a text offering 25 cents off a can of Dr. Scholl’s Odor-X spray foot powder and a two-for-one deal on toenail fungus paste. [1] 
What else is in my Trunk? GiGi, my real, qualified personalstylist who has learned what I like and knows what looks good on me has selected a light tan pair of chinos. Waist 34, length 30. No cuffs, and please no pleats. No normcore or dad bod here. I drop trou & step into these new pants. Perfect fit! Lookin’ good dude, I dude myself. Whoops, the zipper just got stuck. Just zip it down slowly and start over. Wangggg Wangggg Wangggg my phone alarms…who’s calling me now…I slide open the phone to see a porn video in full streaming and steaming flagrante delicto.
How do the chinos look in the seat? Not too tight, not baggy.. That’s the look I’m looking for and as I smooth out a folded crease along my pants seat my phone rings. Her voice is throaty and craven…”Hello big boy..this is Raven at BootyCall911…I bet you look great in those new chinos….”


My Nude Photos Hacked, Sacked, Jacked, Whacked and unpacked for the world to…

Don’t look now (seriously) but the biggest news story of the summer has just gotten bigger (worse). Not only have nudie pics of lady actors, tall thin ladies who model clothes, attractive celebrated females (femlebrities) such as Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence and a bunch of other cutie-nudie posers been hacked by a cloud hacker, now I discover that my own extensive and HUGE nudie selfie-portfolio has been violated by an unknown shoebox hacker. 
In a breach of privacy unknown in the Western and Eastern worlds and throughout my neighborhood, I discovered recently that my secret stash of nude selfies which I had cleverly stashed in the bottom of a gym bag under a pile of sweaty smelly socks and underwear, was scattered all over my smelly sweaty closet floor. Someone had been rummaging through my secret gym bag and unearthed my precious nudie selfies. Tossed hither and thither were 3×5″ Polaroids of me in various degrees of nudity: freezing my naked butt off building a snowman; running naked in a Naked Iron Man Triathlon thru the Mojave Desert; body-painted and birthday-suited in the Black Rock Nevada desert at Burning Man doing flaming cartwheels with fellow “Burner” Grover Norquist; romping full-frontal, fearless and feckless, at a Ruby-on-Rails after-seminar coding rave; swimming and diving bare-skinned and buck-nekked at an all nudie Mitch McConnell Blob Fish look-alike festival in Honey Dip Kentucky… All these and more…oh the privacy! 
Are some of them missing? Did the hackysacker photo them with his iPhone and now prepares to seed the clouds with them letting loose upon the land a global swarming of my hunkyjunk?  
Who pirated my privacy? I want to know! Was it you Apple? Or “Don’t Be Evil” Google? NSA or Edwin Snowden? Surely my humble closet and gym bag would present no challenge for the considerable hacking skills of this cowardly, traitorous, unAmerican Putin-boot-lickin’whistle-blower-with-no-country Rooskie-lovin’ former CIA-NSA employee. In a world where a guy has to live in fear that his nude selfies might be exposed to that world…in a world where one’s sacred gym bag is pried open letting loosed upon the world foul dirty sock emanations and nude selfies…is a world where the only thing left to do is….stop taking nudie selfies? Damn you cleaning lady, I know you did it !

For What it’s Worth

There are serious implications of government gathering private info on citizens. If in the current Prism NSA National Security Agency (No Such Agency?) case it turns out that actual phone conversations, emails etc. were accessed, then we might be talking serious and criminal.  But what is absurd is the shock and dismay being expressed that government would do or attempt to do this contrasted with the reality of how much people today are willing to divulge of their private info in public forums, like Facebook Twitter & other social media. When people post on Facebook or Twitter when & where they’re eating, peeing, who they’re sleeping with, that they’re drunk, high or visiting a museum or theatre why would they care if the government knows it too? It’s Facebook! You just posted it for the whole freaking world to see! (Even if you limit access to “friends” every time you post something it’s ultimately available for worldwide distribution.) I just ate this, here’s a photo of my caprese salad. I just arrived here.. I’m seeing this now..  I have a new grandchild and here’s 35 photos of her wrapped in swaddling cloth. I’m I’m I’m me me me look at me.. I’m important, I’m doing cool things, I’m relevant, I’m part if the world, I’m Special!!! And then when you find out the government is looking at the how Special you are… you are shocked. Shocked!

Cameras on every street corner, donut shop & grocery store. GPS in your car tells that GPS company and the government (government-licensed satellite) where you are & where you’ve been. Get cash from an ATM and you’ve left tracks. Grocery “value” key cards track your eating/drinking preferences. I’ve got 12 such cards on my key ring. The Target store chain admitted last year it could predict buyer purchases based on buyer history & demographics..i.e. stock more maternity items and junk food in low-income areas. If you shop at Lane Bryant with a credit card you might find it harder to buy health insurance. People talk loudly and freely and often purposely on cell phones in public places sharing intimate details of their “important” lives with annoyed and reluctant listening strangers. We live in a world where we are made to believe that sharing our personal information is cool, that privacy is not, that too much info is better than not enough. We say singsongedly “Too much in-for-ma-tion!” But we don’t really believe it.

So, do I trust the government with my personal info? Not any more than I trust my hospital, car dealer, grocery store, toll road agency, or the myriad other businesses and institutions I interact with.

At this point it has not been shown that the government actually listened or transcribed my phone calls or emails. The danger in the government’s Prism program is its potential to collect and store indefinitely our private communications and transactions. And why collect and store if it doesn’t use it.

If paranoia is justified then I must also be afraid of Verizon, ATT, Comcast, Citibank, Google,  Apple, etc. Those companies already have my info. And I don’t get to elect their CEO or directors. Is there really any essential difference between a big corporation and a government  agency besides election day accountability? The U.S.uses private military companies such as KBR (former Halliburton unit) and Blackwater to supply corporate soldiers to fight our wars; Booze Allen tech consulting derives 90% of its income from a government contract with NSA. Verizon provides a special physical fiber-optic pipeline to NSA. We need to unearth a vast supply of paranoia to cover all this.

Maybe we over-share
Can’t have it both ways..
Share it you bear it.

The issue is what will or could government do with your phone calls, email, social media updates?

Ultimately the total paranoid answer is “anything it wants to do to you it could.” Audit your taxes? Check. Restrict your travel.. deny passport, driver license?  Seize your guns? Check. Deny medical care? Form a death panel? Sure. Make your life miserable?  Lock you up? Kill you? Oh yeah!  All this assumes that government is intrinsically evil. Or if not, then it will choose an evil path if given the choice; that we elect leaders who are so flawed, weak, manipulative and willing to ignore the Constitution that we might as well not give a damn about anything and just live our pitiful little lives under the lens of Big Brutha.

“Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you’re always afraid
Step out of line, the men come and take you away.” Buffalo Springfield