Apple To Drop Face Scanning in Next iPhone XI…Rectal Scanning the Next Big Thing.

According to recently revealed secret documents and pre-patent submissions Apple is planning to ditch its newly announced Face Scanning recognition system announced in its newest IPhone X.

Engineering documents show that the next iteration of Apple’s iPhone will implement 3-D Rectal Scanning biometric sensors in all new devices.

An anonymous source at Apple describes rectal scans as the ultimate in personal biometric security. “This new technology takes personal security to a deeper level than finger or face scanning,” according to the source. “It’s well known that no two assholes look alike.”

The new recognition system, tentatively called, “iBendova” will open an iPhone securely using one of two methods. A simple and quick single-finger gesture wave of the phone’s rear camera in front of a pre-registered anus opens the the phone to full functionality. The user can opt for an alternative method called ProctiScan by wearing a special inserted wireless Apple “AirProbe” into rectum initiating a new proprietary protocol called “Brown Tooth” to wirelessly open the iPhone.

An unnamed engineering source said the new recognition system is expected to gain “widespread” acceptance although there are a few significant “buts” to overcome including a projected shortage of flushable 3-D infra-red sensors as well as some minor privacy concerns.

Author: Lawrence Rudmann

Multi-genre comedic political poet and trender/periscoper of what's around the corner. Avid tennis player and ukulele strummer. Comedic poetry stimulator and healer.

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