At last our Great Leader Trumpus has pulled the rabbit out of the hat and saves us from the plague. Today, in his infinite wisdom, our Dear Magnificent Leader solves the curse on our land. By reinstating the tax-deductible 3-martini lunch for business executives our poor nation will be lifted up by the Beneficent Very Large Hands of Our Lord Trump. In his daily Sermon on the Mount from his sacred White House our beloved Omnipotentor soothed our restless souls in this terrible time of Obama-induced pandemic. Dear Father Trump tweeted “Congress must pass the old, and very strongly proven, deductibility by businesses on restaurants and entertainment. This will bring restaurants, and everything related, back – and stronger than ever. Move quickly, they will all be saved!” Oh yes All Powerful Master, and so will your Holy Temples of Golf and Resorts. Your Boundless Wisdom is only exceeded by your Devine Greed.
This could be our last chance. The foul beast is loosed upon the land. Social distancing, self quarantining, closing restaurants, sports, all gatherings of any size or purpose may not be enough. People still venture out to go to pharmacies and grocery stores. This may have to stop. What? How will I get my meds and food and household essentials, i.e. TP? Enact martial law. Authorize the military, national guard and community police to deliver and distribute essential meds directly to households and individuals. Temporarily nationalize Amazon and UPS and fully fund and protect the US Postal Service all of which will deliver meds and food. No more spreading the virus in grocery stores and pharmacies. Food will be simplified by distribution of special MREs (military-style Meals Ready to Eat) that contain daily meals and a small supply of TP. A 2-month supply (per individual) of MREs will be stockpiled in central areas of neighborhoods and fully-protected/National Guard, Amazon,UPS,Postal and community volunteers will distribute supplies of MREs to households. The MREs won’t kill us but the virus surely will. We’ll eat this crap for two months, take vitamin supplements and maybe survive. Added benefit: alleviate America’s obesity problem. We’ll emerge leaner, stronger and more thankful than ever before. Let’s do it.
With the world in the throes of a pandemic many are also quarantined and isolating themselves. Will there be a Coronavirus baby boom in nine months? If so, will we see an outbreak of Covid-19 related baby names? Such as:
Self-quarantining? Social-isolating yourself? Fighting zombies over the last roll of toilet paper? Searching for hand sanitizer? Avoiding stock market updates? Smacking your forehead over the ineptness of the Trump guy who occupies the Office of President? Yeah, the latter for sure. But I’m on vacation. In sunny warm little Sanibel Island, Florida. A bubble of basic normality where quarantining means strolls on the beach, frosty margaritas and cold Coronas, biking thru tropical pathways, kayaking thru the mangroves, moonlight pool swims. And yes, dining in sparsely occupied beach restaurants and bistros. I’ve been here for over two weeks. The first two were before the world was officially declared at war with the Coronavirus. This the third week and I can hear faint faraway rumblings of that war inexorably creeping closer. Sure, the raw oysters and conch fritters, coconut shrimp and cold beer contribute mightily to the trite, corny tourista Jimmy Buffet-pretend lifestyle. Like being in Disney World, or Dolly Partonland, or that place in Missouri or Arkansas with the Japanese fiddle-player and long-forgotten 1950s crooners. But without all the Disney shit, Dolly crap and Japanese fiddlers. It feels like the little island it is. Life goes on here; everyone seems to have been infected not with Covid-19 but instead with Novid-00 island fever. Since we’re already booked here until the end of the month I’m fighting the impulse to just pack up, hit the road (we drove) and endure a three-day drive home to Southwest Michigan. But it’s snowing there. And 80 here. Amid warnings to avoid contact with grandchildren, our two near our Michigan home, what’s to gain from an early departure. So we take it day by day, read online apocalyptic reports and try not to panic. Time for a bike ride, dear. And then a dip in the pool, martini in hand. Welcome to the pandemic vacation.
In Voltaire’s Candide, incurable optimist Dr. Pangloss was at least cheerful. And unlike our egomaniacal Trump-as-president, he didn’t credit all his optimism to himself. To Pangloss the world was wonderful because it is a wonder. To Trump all wonderfulness comes only from himself. Isn’t it wonderful that he is managing the Pandemic so masterfully, unlike anyone else, especially that bumbling President Obama! So reassuring was his tremendous best-ever, perfect press conference where he eased the nation’s fears of extinction by parading to the microphone a cache of CEOs. ( a bunch of crows is a “ murder,” birds a “flock,” fish a “ school”…so what do you call a group of CEOs.? a “cache?) How beneficent of Walmart to open it’s parking lots to drive-by virus testers. And Google, for making a new website that they are not really making so quickly and actually not so quickly and tremendously better than that old Obamacare website. And Roche Pharmaceuticals, whose stock prices rose in real-time on the TV screen’s chyron during the announcement that the FDA has approved its new virus tests. And all those nasty, pesky Obama regulations that President Pangloss presidentially flicked away! Thanks, Obama, for causing this damned Pandemic. And special thanks Prez Pangloss for reassuring the nation that you “…take no responsibility” for any Coronavirus failures. Americans are so grateful, Prez Pangloss, that in your Most Wonderful Perfect Press Conference you didn’t assure Americans that you would exert your prez powers to stop people from hoarding toilet paper, sanitizers, household goods and food. And insure the supply chain from producers of these goods flows uninterrupted to stores everywhere. That website that Google is not making not so quickly is such a relief! Thank Trump for a website and a flowchart in the face of national crisis and chaos. You’re doing a great job, Brownie.. I mean Trumpfy! Americans celebrate your optimistic wonderfulness.
The Trumporona virus has finally been diagnosed and identified as the near pandemic sickness incubating and now plaguing the world since January 2017. The presenting features of The Trump contagion appear to be loss of neurological impulse control, intestinal pseudofortitudinous obstruction of the uvulaial brain-to-mouth expressway; degradation of the neuronic cells with accompanying growth of moronic tumors in the right cerebral cortex which prevents the ability to create and translate actions and thoughts into the realm of rational factuality. Health officials estimate that up to 40 percent of the American voting electorate are now highly infected with Trumporona exhibiting symptoms as varied as frothing lips when presented with settled and tested evidence-based scientific facts, to “twitchy overlookitis” a visual anomaly that causes both eyes to permanently cast elevated sight lines overlooking common human-Christian transgressions such as misogyny, sexual intercourse with porn stars while wife is nursing newborn; isolating young foreign bodies in cages, and treasonous conspiring with foreign enemies.
Although the Trumporona contagion has primarily spread throughout the U. S. infected trumpyspores have migrated to other nations showing up as outbreaks of feverish white corpuscular militancy, foaming spittlemouth xenophobia and resistance to a particularly virulent strain of nodule penile tuber elongated buboe syndrome, commonly know as “dick-tater” root and support syndrome.
According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) a vaccine derived from large doses of Dignity and Decency to combat the Trumporona plague is being developed and will soon be tested in various U. S. states with hope of going nationwide on November 3 this year.
VFX Super Tuesday was a super pooper day for Bernie Bros. Instead of voting in record numbers it appears they once again predictably chose to drink their latest favo IPA brews at their newest craft micro brewery. Now they stew in their brew, stroking their beards and whining about how life is unfair. And that if Bernie doesn’t get the nomination then they won’t vote for anyone. Do they subconsciously want Bernie to lose. And then they’ll have an excuse to make the effort to not to vote? I know, I’m being too hard on our young millennial class. And unfairly casting stereotypes over an entire generation. I wished they had proved me wrong on Tuesday. Wish they had fulfilled Bernie’s hope to storm the polling places demonstrating unity, strength and resolve. Those wild crazy Bros at Bernie rallies, with their thousands of placards twitching in frenzied excitement on Monday went home and slept in on Tuesday. Wake up Bros, at least by November and vote for Biden or whoever gets the nomination. Or smell the stench of Trumpism for four more years.
A severely unpopular Xenophobic Xtremist Criminal Racist Indecent Misogynistic Imbecilic Narcissistic Anal Liar (xxC.R.I.M.I.N.A.L) currently occupies the Office of President of the U.S. (Name-calling? Yes. Unfortunately, in this instance, it’s called for.)
Donald Trump, who currently sits in the office of U. S. President, is propped up by a minority electorate cult and a bootlicking, groveling intimidated Republican Senate. His prospects for re-election should seem dim. But instead, he seems a sure election winner and shoe-in to threaten, for another four years, and possibly destroy American democratic values for ever.
How could this happen you ask? Well, at least I ask. The depressing answer lies under the left progressive snowflake wings of should-know-better snow angels of the Democratic Party. Leading the long thin line of candidates who hope to defeat the xxC.R.I.M.I.N.A.L Trump are two East Coast liberal elites: 78 year old recent heart-attack survivor democratic socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders, and former Harvard professor Senator Elizabeth Warren. Also polling high in primary states is thirty seven year-old (gay)mayor of South Bend Indiana, pop. 9,000, Pete Buttigieg. And of course a 77 year-old Botoxed Joe “Loose Lips’n Teeth” Biden, former US Senator and Vice under the Pretty-Damn-Good-now-looks-Great President Barrack H. Obama. And some other guys who want to assume to great heights such as a Kobuchar and another Mayor, late Septuagenarian Billionaire Mike Bloomberg and his billionaire doppelgänger Tom Steyer.
The Wild Bunch, right?
And what do two of the leading candidates, Sanders and Warren propose?
Free health care for illegal immigrants
Mandatory Medicare for All (cancel current health plans for 160 million people)
Reparations for slavery
Grab their guns
Cancel student debt
This are the policies of the progressive wing of the Democratic Party. As much as I personally support some form of these positions, even one or two, mandatory Medicare for all or reparations for slavery represent a platform for defeat in November. There must be a way to meet in the middle. I know, in Texas the middle of the road means dead armadillos. In doubles tennis the net is highest on left or right alley hi-risk shots. In a Trump/Pence vs Bernie/AOC doubles match the nation will be left in the worst position to be on the court: “no-man’s land”. But hitting down the middle can score winners. The presidency. The House. The Senate. Think about it Bernie Bros.
Reports that U. S. intelligence agencies warn that Russia is attempting to promote the candidacy of Bernie Sanders confirm what I recently wrote that Bernie was Putin’s guy. It’s a no-brainer that both Putin and his minion Trump are drooling over the prospect of running against Old Socialist Sanders. If Bernie doesn’t keel over with a heart attack during a debate with Trump a small miracle will have happened. Trump is already blabbing about Bernie’s honeymoon in Moscow years ago. Just wait til he reads aloud some of the youthful Bernie musings on the dynamics of male/ female sexuality. “A woman enjoys intercourse with her man — as she fantasizes being raped by 3 men simultaneously.” (See insert). Oh, yes, don’t doubt that Trump will gleefully but “shocked, horrified and troubled” read aloud from The Book of Bernie.”
And after Bernie’s victory in the Nevada caucuses Trump tweeted, “…congratulations, Bernie. Don’t let them take it away from you.” One can almost hear Trump’s bloated greasy lips smacking at his future November 3rd. dinner of an over-cooked dessicated Deep Fried Bernie Burger with all the Senate and House trimmings. Four More Years. Trump Supreme Court. Environmental disasters, corruption on a scale exceeding the past three years. Democracy as we once knew it? Forget it. Thanks Bernie.
After the recent New Hampshire Dem Debate Donald J Trump must be smacking his bloated cheeseburger lips at the prospects of ripping any of these guys to shreds.
Bernie, Putin’s candidate, rewound & shouted out his greatest hits. Arms flapping like an ostrich trying to launch, Socialist Bernie, eyes bulging, shoulders bent hovered over his dais like a cranky old vulture dewlap dipping into old-school socialist roadkill.
Pete the Mayor. Sounds just as awkward as Pete the President. Smartest guy in the room. But also the gayest. And that, folks is the crux of the issue. Mayor Pete, may not have the experience but certainly has the chops, thoughtful intelligence and temperate judgement. Who cares if you’re gay? Ah, unfortunately enough to elect Trump in a landslide.
Pocahontas, (damn you Trump!) face pinched in angry outrage, fisted the air to punctuate her points, nearly punching herself in her haughty East Coast stuck-up nose. Get rid of the granny glasses, Medicare-For-All, free college tuition and re-invent yourself and your campaign before it’s (already) too late.
Joe, yes that Sleepy Joe…(Trump’s nicknames are often “perfect.” )…his skeletal skull hosted two vacant tiny botoxed stretched eyes while his mouth mumbled marbles around loose teeth struggling to remain glued. Joe’s brain, in 5-sec delay mode, searched in vain to coherently relay his thoughts. Say it ain’t so, Joe.
Fargo Amy K., ya, sure, u betcha ..exaggerating a smile that behind the lips seems to seethe with either breaths of disdain or sheer insecurity. (Such a great boss to work for, they say.) The pundits declared her the debate winner a result of her few well-lobbed smile-wrapped rehearsed lines. Amy “SmileyFace” says she’s the moderate we need.
Tech Rich Guy Andy Yang, (say that real fast three times) open shirted and not “tied” down to traditional democrat liberal solutions. The robots are coming for your jobs he Ludditely says. His solution to everything is to just give everyone a free $1,000 bucks a month. This will solve all social ills, reduce inequality and racism, reduce infant mortality, stop Russian manipulation of our elections, cure plaque psoriasis, toenails fungus and bring our nation together as a mutual-respecting harmonious nation. Hey, let’s try it. But with someone else as President.
“Need to Impeach” Tom Steyer, the hedge fund Rich Guy seemed to be the only candidate focused on the need for unity and the need to defeat Twrumpf. He makes a good coach, reminding everyone what is most important. Coach of the Year. Not President.
Skipping the debate, Lil’ Mike Bloomberg is spending one $billion of his accumulated $60 Billion to win the Dem nomination. The good: he’s focusing not on attacking other Dem candidates but instead solely on attacking Twrumpf himself. Plus he says even if he fails in his quest for the nomination he’ll continue to spend big bucks on defeating The Twrumpfer. Bad news: those Dem candidates are condemning Mike declaring that the Presidency cannot be bought. Well, this time if buying it rids us of Twrumpf then I say buy the damn thing.
Time for a White Knight (not racial!) to ride in and pull the sword from the set-in-stone crop of current weak candidates. Who? Sherrod Brown, the rough and gruff Senator from Ohio. He’s a no-nonsense moderate, anti-free trader, proponent of strong unions. This guy is the complete package..if the DNC could call on Central Casting for a perfect candidate across the stage walks Sherrod Brown. As you leave, Mr. Trump, let the door hit you in the ass.
Well, a Hogan Gidley appears to be Twrumpy’s deputy press secretary. Today he attempted to lie away his boss calling his impending impeachment a “lynching” by liesplaining all the great things Twrump has done for the African American community. But, with a name like Hogan Gidley and its 1,700 anagrams, what do you expect? Here are a few good ones:
Gay Ding Hole
Ah Doge Lying
Ah Edgy Lingo
Egad Lying Oh
Head Lying Go
God He A Lying.. and my favo:
I hangdog lye
Most journalists have run out of or are often left conjuring too oft-used descriptions of Trump. There are seemingly few original ways left to describe this impotent creature from the white nationalist lagoon. (Hey, I think I just painted a new word-picture of this guy..or have I read this phrase before and scraped it oozing from the dark folds of my cerebral cortex?) Anyhoo, congratulations to New York Times columnist Michelle Goldberg. In her Sunday, August 16, 2019 column about Trump sending the world into total chaos and possibly annihilation, she referred to his “causal lies (not too original) and verbal incontinence.” Nice turn of phrase and depiction of his incessant pathological mendacity. (Trying too hard, am I ?) Goldberg follows this up with “sundowning demagogue whose oceanic ignorance is matched only by his gargantuan ego.” Her (not so) subtle reference to Trump’s old age (incontinence) and the possibility of early Dementia onset (sundowners), would normally be ascribed as “ageist.” But I’m willing to not only give her a pass but say that in this case, kudos for calling it what it is. Even hardened Trumpists know in their heart of hearts that there is something seriously wrong with this guy. Does he need medical attention and maybe treatment for Dementia? We’ve been focused on describing Trump in term of his amorality, immortality, misogyny, xenophobia, all the pathologies of a sociopath: compulsive lying, lack of empathy, antisocial behaviors, e.g. insulting people and projecting his own weaknesses and imperfections on others. Should we now focus our fear on the real possibility that this old man is deranged and demented? I say yes. And thanks, Michelle Goldberg.
Pass the “No Guns Left Behind in Hands of Civilians Act”.
After every major mass gun slaughter I suggest The U. S. enact this law.
Enough is enough!
Here’s what we need:
Don’t control guns, ban them.
Presidential/Executive “Re-interpretation” of the Second Amendment concomitant with enactment by Congress or Presidential Fiat of the “No Guns Left Behind in Hands of Civilians Act” also to be known as the “No Right to Own Guns Act.” (more likely in next Administration)
The new law bans the manufacture, import and sale of firearms and ammunition for non-military actions in the U. S. and its territories.
Phase One: A Federal ban on the civilian purchase of any firearm. This means hand guns, assault rifles, shotguns, hunting rifles, target/sport firearms. Also BB guns and similar varmint-hunting guns such as pellet guns. Also banned are potato “spud” guns, rubber band guns and all NERF-type projectile-emitting gun facsimiles. The law also bans all toy guns including any type of liquid-squirting “water” guns. (BB/pellet and NERF-type guns and toy guns are “gateway weapons” that lead to future desire/addiction to possess and use bullet-based firearms). Violation of the “No Gun Left Behind Act” is a zero tolerance, “one strike you are out” violation resulting in a minimum income-based fine of $20,000 and up. Inability or refusal to pay the fine shall result in a minimum one year sentence to a Firearm Practice Farm for Federal Agents as a live target decoy. (Sentence commuted after one year if prisoner survives)
Phase Two: The President shall order all citizens to turn in to Federal Authorities any and all firearms & ammunition they own or possess. Firearm owners complying will be compensated for the price that they paid for the firearm(s) plus a cash bonus and lifetime membership in the National No Rifle Association. Refusal to comply will result in fines and/or Decoy Duty on a Federal Firearms Farm.
Phase Three: The National Guard, branches of the U.S. military forces, Federal policing agents including the FBI, will conduct house-to-house inspections nationally for the purpose of confiscation of firearms. Non-compliance will result in Federal Firearm Farm Decoy Duty.
Phase Four: Local police will be required to “Stop & Frisk” suspected gun carriers at any time or place. Citizens will also be rewarded with cash bonuses for alerting police or Federal authorities to anyone who they suspect possessing a firearm. Any U. S. resident who has previously obtained or applied for a firearms permit will be entered into the National Red Flag GunUsingNuttyNabobsUsuallyTwitching (GUN NUT) database as potential mass shooters.
Hunters and firearm sport enthusiasts will be able to rent approved firearms from the federal government for limited use. Firearm renters, like auto renters, shall have proper insurance.
Traditional firearm-based hunters who choose not to rent firearms but still want to hunt will be provided with federal training in bow & arrow, knife and “persistence hunting” (stalking and chasing game on foot until animal is caught).
Black market distribution of firearms will be controlled by U. S. Revenueurs, a special elite strike force of Federal and civilian under-cover GUN SWATTERS. SWAT Funding for national firearm prohibition will be diverted from now defunct state, local and Federal drug enforcement since Congress will have passed the “Freedom to Purchase & Use Any Drug Act” which gives Americans the right to legally purchase and use any drug.
This should be considered only the first steps in freeing our country of the curse of firearms. Once these actions are enacted then maybe America will take serious action to ban guns.
I beg Every American to throw out this vegetable! Now!
You heard me! Right now. This vegetable deserves no place in America’s kitchens, dining rooms, breakfast and eating nooks of any kind. Especially in restaurants. Don’t order it. If served to you Do Not Eat It. Throw it out. Your gut will thank you. So will your stomach, your chest, your arms, legs,feet,toes,neck and head. You’ll hear your body parts screaming, “Thank you!” Are you ready to have your precious body parts scream “Thank You!”? Act now and you won’t have to watch my 60 minute video showing and telling you over and over again in repetitious testimonials and warnings how to avoid this dreaded vegetable. Your body parts will not only thank you but will thank me, too. How do I stay away from this cursed vegetable? It’s easy. No watching my tedious video. Just send $5.00 US Dollars to me and I’ll reveal this secret vegetable that your avoidance of will bring innumerable benefits too many to discuss here.
Recently from the CNN news site: “President Donald Trump uttered a rapid series of false claims, at least 13 in all, during his Cabinet meeting on Tuesday. He made another claim for which there is no public evidence, and he offered positive words about an ally’s accusation for which there is no public evidence.” What’s this “false claims” stuff? Why is the media swaddling Trump’s lies in down-comfy platitudes like “false claims.”?
10,000 + This from the Columbia Journalism Review: Since the inauguration, a team of journalists at The Washington Post has kept a tally of every “false or misleading claim” the president has made. (CNN recently dubbed its leader, Glenn Kessler, “one of the busiest men in America.”) Yesterday, the Post confirmed that Trump has roared past the 10,000 mark: as of Saturday, he’d made 10,111 bogus claims in 828 days in office. That works out to roughly 12 per day, 85 per week, or 370 per month. Trump has fibbed at rallies (2,217 times), on Twitter (1,803 times), and in speeches (999 times), among other settings. About one-fifth of Trump’s false or misleading statements have concerned immigration; he’s said his border wall is being built—his most-repeated junk claim—160 times.
False Claims vs Lie. The word “fudge” pops up (out) under VERBS. What’s next? Will the media start calling his lies “fables” or “tales?” We’re just a cold marble slab away from naming Trump’s lies as “fudge.”
Here are some synonyms for lie/false claim. Most of Trump’s “best words” can validly be called:
deceitdeceptiondishonestydisinformationdistortionevasionfabricationfalsehoodfictionforgeryinaccuracymisrepresentationperjuryslandertaleaspersionbackbitingcalumniationcalumnydefamationdetractionfablefalsenessfalsificationfalsityfibfraudulenceguilehyperboleinventionlibelmendacitymisstatementobloquyprevaricationrevilementrevilingsubterfugevilificationwhoppertall storywhite lieVerb: telluntruthdeceivemisleadmisrepresentpromoteBSbeguilebullconconcoctdeludedissembledissimulatedistortdupeequivocateexaggeratefabricatefakefalsifyfibforswearframefudgeinventmalignmisguidemisinformmisspeakmisstateoverdrawpalterperjurepervert
phonyplantprevaricatesnowsoft-soapvictimizebeuntruthfulbear false witnessbreak promisego-back-on make believemisinstruct put on put up a frontstring along.
String Along. Yup, essential Trump.
False claim? No. Just call him what he is: a serial liar. Emphasis on liar
We U.S.ers are mostly conversant in common sports terms such as “through the uprights,” (even “double doink” thanks to Chicago Bears 2018 kicker Cody Parkey); a “double play,” “three-pointer,” even “strike” for baseball and bowling. So what sport is being described by this writer?
A wide was followed by a mighty six.
He gathered it and dived for the stumps.
He delivered a couple of eye-catching boundaries.
The ball pitched in line but was deemed to be hitting the outside of the leg stump.
His first delivery was just about perfect and it prompted a huge appeal for lbw.
Of course this is from a description of England’s recent victory over New Zealand in the World Cup Cricket Final. Were you “stumped?”
2018 INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
The past year left me devoid of content. Given the current fragile state of our nation, our threatened democracy, our challenged decency as the American people, I wallowed in near despair, trump-holed in retreat, a mere neck-stretching gaper of the multiple pileup wreck-of-the-day crash of America. Gape, say holy shit, move on and hope that somehow things will change. As Trump is fond of tweeting: sad. So my “sabbatical” year is over. It’s time to stop gaping and vaping and start rapping and mapping a way out of this my-ass morass devoid. And maybe have fun again?
Come on in
Your friends are here
The others somewhere over there
In separate rooms
Hear them talking
In rancorous auto-tuned
Some are standing,
Defending why they made their choices.
Let me introduce you
To our small salon
This is Pooty and his Blowfish Don
They’ve been colluding forever on
He think he rich says shirtless Pooty
But he my poor little bitch and me his bruty.
He do what I say
Like peel me grape
Or maybe I drop
His pee pee tape.
Let’s get a drink
Have you met
Brett the boofus doofus Knowitall
When it comes to keggin’
He’s the supreme law
And with the girls he can have it all.
So draw us a red cup
Of your favorite cheers
Tits and clits I like beer?
Lest we judge
Please be more doctrinal
Like No means yes
and Yes means anal?
Let’s go in here
The room is oval
With a cabinet full of outlaw mofas.
There’s Kellyanne and Kanye
On the sofa
Giving each other an interracial
And Goopy Gwyneth
Gulping water raw
Thru a stainless steel
3-D printed straw.
Down the stairs in the video room
Bezos plays retro Doom
On a screen that’s split into Sim Cities
Creating a new
By producing a new Delivery Caste
With ease he teases
Then he squeezes
Supplicant applicant Mayors
On spended knees
Offering their keys
To maximize their subsidies.
Let’s don’t explain just break it down
Deep dive unpack it
Drop it please do not release it,
In the media room
The Music has ceased.
Sara Fucka-factaby’s ranting
Slandering truth in dissonant banter
Splendid “no-comment” candor.
Hey let’s karaoke…
Sing the writing on the Wall
Like a Hairy Harvey MeToo grope
A chorus loudly shouting nope
All together now
We won’t sound shrill
In the ancient city of Margaritaville.
“Nibbling on white bread,
watching what Trump said,
Gonna build a big beautiful wall…
With just his small hands,
Our land is his land,
Just Christians inside
It’ll be the new law.
Wasting away again in Trumpathumpaville,
Lookin’ for my lost Forsaken soul;
Some people say political correctness is to blame,
But I know, it’s Obama’s fault all the same.
Voted in the election, made the wrong selection
All I’ve got is this big red Trump hat
But it couldn’t be finer
Made by a child in China
A perfect fit for the Pizza Rat.
Wastin’ away again in Trumpaputinville
Where he made America Hate again
Some people blame it on Bernie’s cult
But I know….it’s all Hillary’s fault.
The election’s over, we’ll never get sober
From drinking all that xenophobic cheer..
But there’s more where that came from,
More hate and lots more fear
That poison concoction that’s stronger than rum.
Wastin’ away again in Trumpatreasonville
Looking for the next racist insult
Some people say there’s a woman to blame
But I know.. It’s our own damn fault.”
Whoa, look who’s standing
Didn’t think he’d show
In pure white he dances With Vatican ecclesiastical
Orgiastic red head redemption
While gymnastic Handmaidens tell
All and nail
The perfect landing.
In this room the lawyers come and go
Speaking of what Michael Cohen knows.
Hanging out by the old Back door
Not needed anymore.
There’s old Sears, née Roebuck
Once an amazon now out of luck.
Voter rights a party Casualty
Come back soon
Romaine a trusted
Old green guest
Who mixed with the best
Eggs, anchovies and Parmesan
But now you’ve caused a Pharma run.
Betrayed so brutally
In his salad days
His fate to die
Stabbed in the gut
The unkindest cut
Upstairs is the playroom
The drama unfolds
Hi Stormy hi Karen and your 23&MeToo sisters
No longer alone
Your history like clones
That didn’t need CRISPR.
Let’s hear you sing your song of scorn
“Stormy” now sung to the old tune of “Sunny” reborn.
Stormy, yesterday my life was filled with me
Stormy, you spanked me but I just wanted to watch you pee
My golden throne is now a cheap one- holer
My Stormy please don’t talk to Robert Mueller
Stormy, once taboo, please don’t sue.
Stormy, thank you for your naughty little spanka
Stormy, you remind me so much of my Ivanka.
Stormy, thank you for my starring role in your movie reel,
Stormy, please don’t talk
Let’s make a deal.
$130,000 for you to say hush
The election was in a week
I was kinda in a rush,
Stormy, one so plush
Please don’t blush.
My life sucked with a new-Born baby Baron
I was so bored with that Playmate Karen
Stormy one so blue, please don’t sue. Stormy rated X,
It was just FAKE SEX.
Down in the basement
Under the flooring
Deplorables are Gathered
Party mood Is Soaring.
Visions of parades With tanks and guns
Better and bigger than Kim Jong Un’s.
The Fatherland’s ready
To throw in the towel
Protect your White Walker Women
From the brown caravan
From Guatemala to the Yucatán
The threat is larger than the Giant Cow.
It’s getting late
This party’s sagging
From the weight
Of Rooskies Hacking
They set the bait
And now we’re gagging.
The wagon waits
Collecting guests who
At border kids in a cage.
We sought the sheriff
But have not caught
As the one
With the “smocking” gun.
The party’s finished
But the fun continues
Dining, dancing, undiminished
While on the menus
In churches, schools
We all recoil
Scratch our heads
Thoughts and prayers
For the dead
Police protect us from attack
Unless you’re shot for
Outside the gates
That hate abates
Scheduled so routine
Emotional Support AR15s
Top The Best Seller List
For American white male terrorists.
Ms American Dream
A long long two years ago
I can still remember how America used to make me smile
And I knew that we had a choice
Between a woman’s and the Devil’s voice
And maybe life would be normal for a while.
But that November made me shiver
Across the map a snake did slither
Fake news gave us PutinTrump
On Democracy they took a real dump.
And later when our nation cried
The children caged he just denied.
Something touched us deep inside
The day America died.
Miss American Dream
Rode an Uber in a stupor to the nearest latrine
And good old ICE boys laughin’ at kids who cried
Braggin’this was the day America died
This was sure the day that it died..
© 2018 LRudmann
Came across this “Liberalism is all about control” post on social media recently. Probably from a Russian troll. My response below this.
America’s Great Divider-in-Chief DJ Trump’s recent rants against Black athletes, calling them SOBs for their First Amendment freedom of expression rights, has caused the nation to nearly deplete its strategic stockpile of kneepads. With Americans from every walk of life “ taking a knee” in solidarity with the athletes, supplies of garden, construction and brothel knee pads are sold-out throughout the supply chain in stores like Ace, Walmart, Home Depot, Family Dollar, Dick’s Sporting Goods and Victoria’s Secret.
Demand is so strong that the Pentagon recently opened its national strategic stockpile of kneepads stored in underground steel and concrete bunkers near Wounded Knee, South Dakota.
An un-named Pentagon official said the demand was so great that the stockpile is virtually depleted. “We are knee-deep in back orders to our Chinese suppliers,” the official said.
Mr. Trump’s obsession with NFL players “taking a knee” during the flag presentations has also created such a national knee-bend crisis that the Neighborhood Association of Orthopedic surgeons has issued a national moratorium on knee replacements. One local knee surgeon, Dr. Art Patella, is reportedly issuing American flags as temporary knee wraps for patients awaiting replacements.
It is also reported that even Catholic church congregations are demanding the return of kneeling benches in the pews. According to local pastor Father Peter Rast, the old kneeling benches remain stored in the St. Concupiscent sanctuary basement. “They’re pretty worn,” said Father Rast, “but when our flock wants to kneel the Church will certainly accommodate.”
According to recently revealed secret documents and pre-patent submissions Apple is planning to ditch its newly announced Face Scanning recognition system announced in its newest IPhone X.
Engineering documents show that the next iteration of Apple’s iPhone will implement 3-D Rectal Scanning biometric sensors in all new devices.
An anonymous source at Apple describes rectal scans as the ultimate in personal biometric security. “This new technology takes personal security to a deeper level than finger or face scanning,” according to the source. “It’s well known that no two assholes look alike.”
The new recognition system, tentatively called, “iBendova” will open an iPhone securely using one of two methods. A simple and quick single-finger gesture wave of the phone’s rear camera in front of a pre-registered anus opens the the phone to full functionality. The user can opt for an alternative method called ProctiScan by wearing a special inserted wireless Apple “AirProbe” into rectum initiating a new proprietary protocol called “Brown Tooth” to wirelessly open the iPhone.
An unnamed engineering source said the new recognition system is expected to gain “widespread” acceptance although there are a few significant “buts” to overcome including a projected shortage of flushable 3-D infra-red sensors as well as some minor privacy concerns.
Why do American sport franchises, football to baseball, insist on playing the national anthem before games? How did this tradition get started? Wartime tradition. The anthem is a war song, a “battle” like sports? What’s the purpose of a pregame ceremony? To tease the sweaty throngs who witness athletic feats and hoped-for mayhem. To whet their appetite with a little taste of blood, guts and glory. It’s a football game. Like the motto of the Secondary School in Sierra Leone where I once taught: “Play The Game.” Just play the damn game. And what does the American flag have to do with any sport? Why should players and fans be asked to declare their respect, allegiance or love of country by placing hand over heart and singing a national anthem? Because it’s a nice thing to do, some say. Because it allows people to express their communal national fidelity say others. But why at a sporting event and not at a performance of a Verdi opera, a movie or rock concert. What is so inherent in sports to demand a mass display of nationalistic patriotism?
Last year NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick kneeled rather than stood during his team’s presentation of the national anthem. He said he was protesting racism and police brutality in America. Now, the talented quarterback, who opted out of his contract with the San Francisco 49ers this year, is being blacklisted by other NFL teams as punishment. No team will hire him because he exercised his 1st Amendment right to express his opinion. What if a player wasn’t protesting anything or trying to make some sort of statement by not standing during the singing of the Anthem? What if a player is just too lazy to stand or simply chooses to kneel, crouch or sit rather that stand? Will he be blacklisted for his act of not standing? Is it the act of protest or the act of refusing to stand that gets the player in trouble?
How many TV viewers even watch, let alone stand in front of their TVs, hand over heart, while some NFL-approved singer belts out their unique version of the Star Spangled Banner before a game. Confess. If you walk out of the room to grab a beer or mute the sound or remain sitting in your laz-a-boy when the singing begins before the game then are you just as “unpatriotic” as Kaepernick? Or maybe you are protesting racism? Or is there an unwritten rule that says you only have to stand when physically in the stadium or stands? And why are the seats located in the “stands” anyway?
Recently other NFL players have demonstrated support of Kaepernick by refusing to stand for the anthem before preseason games. If support from more players, the majority of whom are Black, continues, the NFL might have a problem on its hands. Solution: dispense with the pregame display of patriotism, flag waving and singing the national anthem. And no military jets flying over the stadiums. Why conflate a nation’s military prowess with a sporting event?
Or we could go full-flag nationalistic.
The Philippines recently proposed a law requiring citizens to sing along enthusiastically whenever the national anthem is played in public. “The singing shall be mandatory and must be done with fervour,” the Bill states. The law would also mandate the tempo of any public performance of the anthem – it must fall between 100 and 120 beats per minute. If the Bill, which will be considered by the Senate, is approved and signed into law, a failure to sing the anthem with sufficient energy would be punishable by up to a year in prison and a considerable monetary fine. A second offence would include both a fine and prison time, and violators would be penalised by “public censure” in a newspaper.
The Supreme Court in India ruled last November that movie theatres would be required to play the national anthem before screenings, and that moviegoers would be required to stand.
But back to the good old U.S.of A. If sport fans insist on some type of pregame ceremony, song or performance, then how about a mini-scene from a Shakespeare play, a dramatic reading from Homer’s The Odyssey, an aria from “Rigoletto or a preview of a movie or simply a Queen standard such as “We Are the Champions,” or “Bohemian Rhapsody” (my vote); or an act by a gaggle of juggling street mimes or sword swallowers. Ringling Brothers circus recently closed shop so there must be a surplus of good acts or clowns willing to perform.
But if more NFL players choose to support Kaepernick then maybe NFL stadiums will have to install kneeling benches, like in some churches. Football is almost a religion in America anyway. Just saying.
Self styled racist and KKK Grand Poobah David Duke today announced that he is resigning from President Trump's White Supremacy Presidential Advisory Board. This follows a week-long cascade of resignations from various White House Presidential Advisory Boards, including arts, infrastructure, business, technology, penis sexting and women's grab-bagging.
Duke, a stalwart supporter and defender of the president, reportedly said that recent revisions to the White Supremacy Board's mission and agenda "are way too racist and supreme, even for me. "I mean, I know I'm white and supreme but this Advisory Board goes over board." he said. Duke said recent Board discussions by the Racial Purity subcommittee would mandate strict DNA analysis and verification of white heritage. "Look," he said, you just never know what you'll find heritage-wise when you start looking for it. If you look white, then as far as I'm concerned you're good enough white for me." Other White Supremacy Board members, including Ollie Snopestuff, CEO of Chain Saw Chewers Unit 14 of Sheatolh, Alabama and the United Assembly of Southern Torch Marchers, Randal Hawgswalla III, said they were also thinking about leaving the Advisory Board. "Ah got ma on probins wit all thees thangs," said Hawgswalla. "I mean looka Trump hissef…kinda urnge color if you axe me. Where's his white? Jus round his baggy eyeballs fur as I can see. Ah jus dunno."
Could our long national nightmare be coming to an end? After only 7 plus months, time that now seems an eternity, is the strange malignant man in the White House about to repeal and replace himself? He never really wanted the job in the first place seeking it only out of spite and revenge on President Obama.
Such a strange man. Whoever thought a defender of the Confederacy would rise from the canyons of Manhattan, a slick city-slicker who never worked up an honest day's sweat in his life and inherited his daddy's riches and racism. Who ever thought that an admitted sexual predator, the infamous grabber, a guy who lusted over his own daughter, the guy who once salivated over a ten year old girl on an escalator and lasciviously smirked "I'll be dating her in a few years," could be elected President of the U.S. Whoever thought we would have as President a defender of the traitorous secessionists who turned citizens against each other over the right to own slaves and who now wants to preserve memorials to their traitorous leaders.
Yet it happened. Despite losing the popular vote by about 3 million votes, real estate and morally bankrupt mogul Trump ascended to the nation's highest office on a technicality that is antithetical to the core one-person-one-vote code of democracy.
This strange man, who occupies a revered house ("it's a real dump," he recently said) where Americans allow their Presidents to live in order to preside over their democracy and the moral order of American culture and life. It's called the White House, built by slaves forced to labor for its design and purpose. A house painted a symbolic all-inclusive "equality white" (white is all of the colours of the light spectrum, added together) as a symbol of aspiration and dreams, not a house painted an exclusive "supreme" white.
This strange fellow, our President, said that many of the marching tiki-torch-carrying mob in Charlottesville, VA were "fine people." This strange man says things like this not just because he believes it, but because he must believe it in order to satisfy his insatiable appetite for never admitting he's wrong. This is a guy who'll double down on a meaningless argument over the size of his….inaugural crowd.
We have already gone from democracy to kleptocracy. If Trump repeals and replaces himself then we will have a Pence theocracy. Praise the lord, and pass the chastity belts.
President Twrump today announced that units of the US Navy's Very Special Transgender Extreme Elite CAITLYN (Combat Active Imperial Troops Leading Your Nation) Troops are on standby for possible action in North Korea, Venezuela, Las Vegas or any place that the US could possibly attack in order to boost his poll ratings.
Authorized under a top secret Navy program, CAITLYN Teams specialize in undercover subterfuge, shock and awe and mock coleslaw.
"By activating CAITLYN I send the strongest statement possible that the US stands ready to transfer a fusillade flurry of furious fire to our enemies," Twump said.
The Navy's Transgender CAITLYN Combat Teams are used only in very special circumstances that require the utmost physical and psychological warfare tactics. Navy CAITLYN Teams were created under a secret order, until recently leaked by President Twump. "I wanted the most beautiful and amazing military offensive force ever created in the history of the world, he announced. "These battle-tested warriors are the best…the best. Our Navy SEAL Teams are good, but CAITLYNS are amazing, probably an 8 or 9 out of ten, I'd say. Besides, CAITLYN can beat Seal any day, right? Yuge, beautiful and deadly, these CAITLYN Teams are the best..the best. The best," he said.
Elite CAITLYN Teams don special chameleon camo called Wombat Combat fatigues, named in honor of the elusive and ferocious Wombat, whose daring do's and exploits are chronicled in Will Cuppy's "How to Attract the Wombat (1935, Curtis Publishing). Spoiler alert: you don't.
Trump says he wants to"de-nuke" the world…by destroying it with nukes.
It's the ultimate de-nuclearization plan. Dang, does this guy know how to make a deal, or what!! Talk and tweet blusters and carry a 1,000 nukes.
This is what happens when we elect a Small hands-on the Big Button guy.
This is what happens when the world's most respected democracy overnight finds itself under the leadership of a thieving narcissistic vain prevaricating sexual predator unpopularly elected by a deficit of 3 million votes.
This is where we are today. One-upping our enemies, picking fights with pitiful third world nations.
This is what happens when our unpopular-elected leader sinks to 30 percent in national approval polls. America loves a "war president." War: the last refuge of an unpopular president.
This is how the world ends. Not with a whimper, but with a meaningless trump.
The father learns from the son. It appears that our Maximum Blessed Leader Don Trump Dum has been taking lessons in public threats. Although analysis of his public speaking and twittering (not reading speeches) reveals that our Dear Leader has an amazing vocabulary of almost 410 words, The Matchless Dealmaker has been brushing up on his Third World Dictator Rhetoric. Channeling his fatty young mentor, Kim Jong Un, who reliably issues his doomsday warnings in over-the-top rhetorical flourishes, our Old Fatty Leader told the world that he would send Young Kim "fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen."
Young Fat Kim recently told Old Fat Don: "If we push the buttons to annihilate the enemies even right now, all bases of provocations will be reduced to seas in flames and ashes in a moment and the U.S. imperialists’ nuclear strategic means on which the puppet forces depend as ‘saviors’ turn into piles of scrap iron whether they are in the air, seas and land … The army and people of the DPRK will make the gunfire of provocateurs in the reckless war of aggression sound as a sad dirge.”
Ok. This proves sadly that the U.S. is lagging behind North Korea in the Strategic Upyours Florid Rhetorical Syntax (SUFRS) arms (and lip) race. If "fire and fury" is the best we can do, then gods help us – the battle is already lost. Are our SUFRS reserves nearly depleted? We obviously need to restock, rebuild and restore our strategic reserves. May I suggest the following syntactical rhetorical flamboyant constructions guaranteed to boost Don Trump Dum's threat cred and send sonny boy Kim scurrying for cover in his personal bomb shelter under his secret golf course. Take this, Supreme Dear Leader:
"No pity for your corpulent Dear Leader and his weakling generals and soft doughy armies of the DRNK as your flesh-burns in atomic reaction to our mighty scourge from the skies."
"You and your commie cohorts should start beseeching your Satan idols to save you from America's Christian No-Mercy Vengeful Wrath. When we unleash our all-powerful Lord of the Skies Justice hell's fire will feel like unguents of balm compared to the suffering succotashes about to sprout up your sorry pinko butts."
"Bow down ye north of the 38th parallel heathens before our murderous honored and respected armies of Love and Freedom which promise to squash your hopes, dreams and faces into the bloody mud of your soon to be defeated homeland. No mercy on your charred and twisted corpses as Jesus beats Juche every time."
We must not spare the ROD, Rhetoric of Doom, that we could rain down upon Lil' Kim (the fatty…not not washed-up rapper). "Fire and Fury?" Nah. Sounds like pair of cute kittens.
Will Kim Jong Un, the world’s youngest dictator be the salvation of Donald J Trump, one of the world’s oldest dictator’s-in-training? As Trump’s troubles continue to hit the fan, splattering the face of American democracy, Lil’ Kim (not the has-been Black female rapper, cultural-appropriator extraordinaire) launches provocative missiles into the sea, issues dire warnings of incinerating the U.S. and wolfs down several Big Macs and Large Fries. (He secrets them in hidden Presidential Freezers away from his half-starving nation ready to be celebratorily gorged upon at a missile-launching’s notice… as Trump said “….he’s a smart cookie.”)
As Trump nears the impeachment precipice, the North Korean missile launches skyrocket. Could this be Trump’s ace in the hole? North Korea sinks one of our ships floating around in the Korean Sea. Trump nukes Pyongyang. Trump is canonized by an American public eager to rally-around a War President. (Nothing brings Americans together more than a good old- fashioned war.)
Special Investigator? Nyet. Senate and Congressional probes? Nyet. Now Trump is even deeper in debt to Putin, who encouraged young Jong Un to blast the American warship with his assurance that Russia would have his back and defend the Kim Dynasty against the American perps. Kim and his Presidential Hair Stylist are promised a special flight to Moscow before Trump attacks. Putin reneges, Kimmy is nuked. Trump is a hero. Trump backs out of NATO, goes to Moscow to receive Russian Medal of Honor. Putin delivers on Nikita Khrushchev’s 1960’s declaration that “we will bury you” (America). Where’s China? No more threat of American influence and power in their region. The U.S.has been reduced to a third-rate kleptocracy. China, in a gracious gesture, approves hundreds more Ivanka Trump product trademarks. Trump hotels rise throughout Russia. Oh, and Putin personally hands over the “golden shower video tape” to Trump with the assurance that there are no copies. Now there’s a Trump Deal. How do you say “sucker” in Russian?
Poor Donald Trump. So misunderstood. So picked-on. Jeez, the poor fellow can’t do anything right according to the fake lame-stream media. Take this latest accusation that he tried to get then-FBI director James Comey to drop the investigation of ousted National Security chief Michael Flynn. Comey purportedly wrote himself a cover-ur-arse CYA memo quoting Trump.
“I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go,” Mr. Trump supposedly told Mr. Comey, according to the memo. “He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go.”
Except Comey left out some key words. Here’s what Trump actually said:
“I hope you can see your way clear to letting this (investigation) go (on), to letting Flynn go (remain fired),” “He is (not) a good guy. I hope you can.”
See what a few key omissions does? It makes it sound as if Our Honorable President was trying to obstruct an investigation. Someone’s got to stand up for the truth. Whatever that means.
They’re clicking, pushing, rolling and spinning their way into our homes, cars, offices and especially school classrooms. Originally designed and invented to supposedly give kids with autism and ADHD something to fidget and thus increase their focus on learning tasks, fidget toys are the hottest fad since Trump normalized the word “pussy.” Now everyone tries to find novel ways to insert the pussyword into everyday conversation. Thanks, Trump.
But fidgets, especially the spinning variety, are even hotter. Who wants to” F-word” when you can “F(idget) word.”
But I’ve finally figured out the cause of this national fidget fphenomenon. Who has the attention span of a toddler? Who cannot complete a complete sentence and repeats every other word multiple times? Who frantically waves tiny gesticulating fingers to atone for his monumental inarticulateness? Who serially discharges flatulent boasts of greatness atop other hyperbolic emissions of self-aggrandizement? Who has the self-control and restraint of a hyper-hormonal teenager, the selfish inability to delay the slightest amount of gratification? Who issues bizarre tweets at 3 a.m. and watches more TV than a 70-something year-old white guy hooked on Fox News? (Spoiler alert?) Answer: our Fidgeter-in-Chief, the World’s Sorest-winner and Biggest-loser by 3 million votes in the 2016 Presidential Election. That’s who. That’s who.
With the reputed Leader of the Free World exhibiting zero restraint and self control, it’s no wonder most Americans are in a heightened state of anxiety, not sure from hour to hour what’s going to gush forth from Trump’s sphincteral hemorrhoidal lips. Simply stated, we have a president with a severe case of fidgetitis. It’s time, like all other Americans, that Mr. Trump channel his inner fidgetiness and seek relief from his acute fidgetitis through the body and soul-calming effects of a fidget spinner.
In fact, I’m donating my own a special fidget spinner to him, one I carefully crafted and balanced to spin the most tremendously of any fidget toy ever. It will spin so much Mr. Trump will get tired of spinning. I call it Trump’s Little Digit Fidget Winner Spinner. With proper use of this special, tremendously great fidget spinner, Mr. Trump will be able to control his impulsive need to express himself vaingloriously in 140 characters or less. Fidgeting with this spinner, Mr. Trump will care less about how he totally vanquished his opponent Hillary by getting 3 million fewer votes and care more about learning basic social skills that don’t require a mouthful of Tic-Tacs. He will be less inclined to denigrate women, immigrants, military veterans, and the physically handicapped and to develop, better late than never, a basic level of emotional intelligence.
America is on edge, anxious and unfocused. Our obsession with Fidget spinners is an expression of the symptoms. But the cure is in the cause. Our fidgety Trumpety must spin. Fidget to focus. Spin old man, spin like the wind.