The Gasbag Deflation Act

Add gas stoves to the list of divisive “culture war” issues right up there with climate change, gun control, abortion, critical race theory, wokeness, etc. Congressman Bill Huizinga (MI-04) has chosen an attack-and-divide strategy instead of trying to bring his constituents together to solve major issues facing Southwest Michigan. He seems to be more interested in shamelessly begging for attention with his recent introduction of the STOVE Act (Stop Trying to Obsessively Vilify Energy). The bill would bar federal restrictions or bans on gas-powered stoves. Huizinga’s silly knee-jerk response to a chair of the Consumer Product Safety Commission who misguidedly said that gas stove “products that can’t be made safe can be banned.” The Commission later clarified that comment stating that the U.S. is not considering a ban but simply wants to draw attention to potential hazards of home gas emissions and to make gas stoves safer. Multiple scientific studies have shown that gas stoves emit nitrogen dioxide and other respiratory irritants, including the known carcinogen benzene, associated with respiratory symptoms such as asthma in children and adults. Consumers may want to consider electric stoves and appliances instead of gas.

The Biden Administration is not trying to “vilify” energy. Promoting electricity and making gas appliances safer are not incompatible goals. Perhaps we need a GASBAG Deflation Act: Gratuitously Attacking Sensible Beneficial Alternatives to Gas – – to counter the type of grandstanding legislation proposed by Rep.Huizinga.


I plan to run for office as a Republican somewhere and sometime soon for a particular office yet to be announced. But trust me. It’s Big.

Who am I? Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Lawrence Santooz. My parents were humble peasants who escaped the Holocaust and the killings fields of Pol Pot in Cambodia. (They later pulled themselves up by their bootstraps to become American oligarchs and successful venture capitalists.) Perhaps a synopsis of my curriculum vitae will help.

I am a Gentleman. Of a certain age. In my younger days I held various positions of vital importance to the welfare, vitality and robustness of our nation. In my capacity as a young Wall Street Banker I led a team on a $3.2 billion acquisition of a publicly traded company by a large private equity firm and was Involved in initial due diligence, preparation of the CIM, creation of the PowerPoint deck, etc.

I Graduated magna cum laude as a Presidential Scholar and was on the

Dean’s List all semesters at several elite Coastal Colleges. As a youngster I received a full scholarship to attend Sidwell Friends School in Washington D. C. and became lifelong friends with many children of Presidents and other influentials.

Upon graduating from my elite colleges in the 1990s I was recruited by NASA to join its elite Astronaut Academy and upon successful completion with high honors I flew on various intergalactic missions to Mars and Uranus. Following my stints at NASA, I devoted several years to negotiating for the release of many American hostages imprisoned in communist nations including former Chicago Bulls star Dennis Rodman, child TV star Pee Wee Herman and Chelsea Clinton. After the 9-11 attack on the Twin Towers, from which I narrowly escaped after rescuing many workers trapped on the 188th floor, I decided to join the CIA as a Special Elite Forces “agent provocateur” and led the first Secret Force Termination Unit that unearthed Saddam Hussein in his “spider hole.” This experience inspired me years later to volunteer to storm the hideout of Osama Bin Laden. Although I cannot publicly assert the truth that I was the first of our brave unit to shoot Bin Laden to death, my government may someday attest to this fact when the history books are written.

My recent accomplishments include inventing Lithium-ion anti-depressant supplements used to combat buyers remorse for owners of Tesla automobiles and donating my sperm to Elon Musk to propagate his ten children. Although I have taken a sabbatical from active public employment I devote special time to the rescue of indigent South American donkeys which have been abandoned in coffee plantations. My Juan Valdez Balthazar Donkey Foundation has raised sums in the billions to care for these cruelly treated beasts of burden. And lastly, since sports are an integral part of the American spirit and culture, my humble athletic endeavors probably should merit mention. As captain of our water polo team at an elite college a bronze statue of my classic cuts and dribbles has been commissioned and is still in the process of construction by famed artist Claes Oldenburg. Besides excelling in Pétanque lawn bowling, I also perform part-time as a visiting dancer in the Bolshoi ballet and conduct Drag Queen Story Hour events in local communities.

So, I feel it’s high time I answer to a higher calling which can only mean election to a high office. I believe in the motto, for which I hold a copyright, that as man makes the clothes, so do the clothes make the man. My sartorial choices…old-school preppy, vintage button sweaters and white button-down bespoke shirts that when worn with a dark merino wool crew neck sweater almost gives me a trustworthy, priestly Roman collar appearance, along with the occasional cardigans wrapped insouciantly backward around my waist say volumes about my status as a uber-man in the American heritage tradition of Self-Made Man.

Stay tuned as my Republican cohorts gather round me in my pursuit of my American Dream and fend off inevitable Democrat attacks on me and my amazing career. I look forward as the nation embraces me in all my meaningful and persuasive confidence and anxiously await serving you and all the American people. God Bless America.

Gaslight Me, Mama: A 2020 RapUp

Gaslight the truth
Don’t birth the proof
Curse the candle
Don’t light the night
Just turn the screw
In 2022.

Gaslight me, darlin’
Don’t skip the loo
The number one question
It’s gut health digestion
Our national obsession
In the year of 2022.

Gaslight me, mama
Have a Musk QAnon moment
Gag me on Red Pills
On your hands keep sitting
Magically Twitting
While quietly quitting.

Gaslit fool parent hoards
Swooped and swarmed
School boards
To purge woke books
Neither read nor remember’d
That offended
Their conspiracy agenda.
Overdue diligence
Calls for vigilance
Rehired and unleashed
The recently released
Iranian Morality Police.

So- Long COVID
You’re here to stay
Now we RSVP to RSV.
Bye-bye, adios, ciao and adieu
To grouchy
Dr. Fauci
Our nation lifts its lonely masks to you.

Gaslight me,Johnny
And slander the Amber
Heard that her turd
In his bed wasn’t legit
But actually just
His missing digit.

Gaslit golf in the hot Saudi sands
Golf fans whisper from Arabian Grandstands
Hopin’ to LIV thru 54 holes
Of the Kashoggi International Bloody
To birdie oil field fairways
All sand traps
And balls that thud like a Will Smith slap;
And players stroke with lousy Saudi
Die-for putters
The tried and true
Bone saw cutters.

Shine your light ye gaseous fascist
Oh come all Ye’s faithful
Kan ye’s fateful disgraceful
Kamikaze quest
To be a proxy Nazi guest
To honor the very
Non GeniusStable
Big Gasbag o’Lard
at his Mar-a-lago
BigMac table
And grift his Duper
Pooper Hero cards.

Gaslight me, sweetheart
Cringe me like Ivanka naughty
On her daddy’s knee so haughty
“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.”
Take a vacation from nasal irrigation
Anti-histamine heros just blow their noses
And swiftly tailor broken-hearted roses,

Excessive progressives’
Bespoke toke wokeism
Caused a regressive
Elitism schism
Turned off mid-roaders
So West Virginia Joe
His foot to the gas-guzzling pedal
To build his dirty coal Back Better.

Skinny blaming
Fat shaming
Body image Autotomous
Kardashies and Lizzos
Try shedding their bulging wiggling tails
Evading Instagramie enemies,
TikToky flockies
Gold medaling the Ozempic Olympics.

Are your nouns pro or are they con?
Are you more or less
A personal pronoun
On demand and hindering
Alphabet gender rendering?
Ask your doctor if
Is right for you.

Rovy Wade unlocked
Her old coat hangers
Dobbed and robbed
By five extreme
Supreme goatbangers
Who lit the gaslight fuse
Midterms elected and selected
Her right to choose.

Too blonde to fail
Too blonde to jail.
For Elizabeth Holmes
We suspect
Orange is her new black

Top of mind secrets
Mar-a-Lago sneaklets
Stashed in Ivanna’s
Golf course grave
Or saved instead
In his sweaty
Orange tanning bed.
Those KimJong and Putin love letters
And nuke codes for sale
Or blackmail
By the broke Despot Debtor
He’ll someday have to post the cheddar
For his own go to jail bail.

Gaslights shine afar
Under damaged Ukrainian stars
The Moscow mule rides
Shirtless astride
A little Fox News Tucker
Masters only to themselves
Tiny egomaniacal evil elves.

That midnight train from
Georgia left Herschel
With just a rehearsal
For his MAGA erection election
When Runoff Rev
Beat the Walkering Dread
Voters chose to his chagrin
The Pulpit over the Pigskin.

Gaslighting Royals
Despite constant turmoil
Planted the Queen under fresh topsoil
And Charles finally collected his spoils.
While Meghan and Harry
Found it necessary
To resurrect not bury
Imaginary slights
With juicy Netflix sound bites
Under the dimming Royal gaslights.

Don’t gaslight the truth
Just birth the proof
Don’t curse the candle
Light up the night
Keep up the fight
Let a few more agree
In Twenty Twenty-Three.

So for 2023
Some New Year Rants and Wishes
Wash your dirty Twitter dishes.
Can we be WOKE yet not dogmatic?
It really is quite problematic.
Lighten up and don’t be mean.
We’re Weary Of Kiboshing Everything.
Here’s a job in case you missed it:
“Reproductive Justice Activist.”
And do we really need Doggie DNA kits?
Maybe Crypto is really Crapto.
Quit saying things/people “broke the internet.” (Looking at you, Taylor Swift.)
Let’s stop saying something or someone is “Top of Mind.”
Stop the Drop. No more “dropping” songs. Just record and publish them.
Death Doulas?
Every large event or gathering is not a “palooza.“
Unless it’s a music fest of John Phillip Sousa.

Happy New Year
From Lawrence Rudmann
December 2022 ©️

P. S. To keep the New Year top of mind, take a deep dive and experience some previous End of Year RAPUps that were dropped and that broke the Internet at:; or just

2021:The Assignment

2020: Lost and Found

2019: The Perfect Year

2018: Party On
2017: Lady Liberty & The Beast

2016: A Year of Living Fearfully

2014: Hoarding and Lording

2013: A Year in RearView

2012: Foreclosed But Not Forgotten

Don’t Control Guns – Ban Guns

Unfortunately, time to re-post this:

Don’t Control Guns – Ban Guns
Pass the “No Guns Left Behind in Hands of Civilians Act”.

After every major mass gun slaughter I suggest The U. S. enact this law.

Enough is enough!

Here’s what we need:

Don’t control guns, ban them.

Presidential/Executive “Re-interpretation” of the Second Amendment concomitant with enactment by Congress or Presidential Fiat of the “No Guns Left Behind in Hands of Civilians Act” also to be known as the “No Right to Own Guns Act.”

The new law bans the manufacture, import and sale of firearms and ammunition for non-military actions in the U. S. and its territories.

Phase One: A Federal ban on the civilian purchase of any firearm. This means hand guns, assault rifles, shotguns, hunting rifles, target/sport firearms. Also BB guns and similar varmint-hunting guns such as pellet guns. Also banned are potato “spud” guns, rubber band guns and all NERF-type projectile-emitting gun facsimiles. The law also bans all toy guns including any type of liquid-squirting “water” guns. (BB/pellet and NERF-type guns and toy guns are “gateway weapons” that lead to future desire/addiction to possess and use bullet-based firearms). Violation of the “No Gun Left Behind Act” is a zero tolerance, “one strike you are out” violation resulting in a minimum income-based fine of $20,000 and up. Inability or refusal to pay the fine shall result in a minimum one year sentence to a Firearm Practice Farm for Federal Agents as a live target decoy. (Sentence commuted after one year if prisoner survives)

Phase Two: The President shall order all citizens to turn in to Federal Authorities any and all firearms & ammunition they own or possess. Firearm owners complying will be compensated for the price that they paid for the firearm(s) plus a cash bonus and lifetime membership in the National No Rifle Association. Refusal to comply will result in fines and/or Decoy Duty on a Federal Firearms Farm.

Phase Three: The National Guard, branches of the U.S. military forces, Federal policing agents including the FBI, will conduct house-to-house inspections nationally for the purpose of confiscation of firearms. Non-compliance will result in Federal Firearm Farm Decoy Duty.

Phase Four: Local police will be required to “Stop & Frisk” suspected gun carriers at any time or place. Citizens will also be rewarded with cash bonuses for alerting police or Federal authorities to anyone who they suspect possessing a firearm. Any U. S. resident who has previously obtained or applied for a firearms permit will be entered into the National Red Flag GunUsingNuttyNabobsUsuallyTwitching (GUN NUT) database as potential mass shooters.

Hunters and firearm sport enthusiasts will be able to rent approved firearms from the federal government for limited use. Firearm renters, like auto renters, shall have proper insurance.

Traditional firearm-based hunters who choose not to rent firearms but still want to hunt will be provided with federal training in bow & arrow, knife and “persistence hunting” (stalking and chasing game on foot until animal is caught).

Black market distribution of firearms will be controlled by U. S. Revenueurs, a special elite strike force of Federal and civilian under-cover GUN SWATTERS. GUNSWAT Funding for national firearm prohibition will be diverted from now defunct state, local and Federal drug enforcement since Congress will have passed the “Freedom to Purchase & Use Any Drug Act” which gives Americans the right to legally purchase and use any drug.

This should be considered only the first steps in freeing our country of the curse of firearms. Once these actions are enacted then maybe America will take serious action to ban guns. (OR MAYBE, just perhaps, Congress could enact some lesser gun restrictions, like a ban on assault weapons of mass destruction.)

The Assignment 2021 Rap-Up


They understood the Assignment
To Flip the script
On January Sixth
Insurrection infection
Election rejection
A Q’anon-shamed shaman
The Beast a’Blamin’
Scheming & screaming
Behind the scenes
Like those feral pigs Invaded
Our Nation’s parks
Marinated and raided the Capitol
In fanatical
Conspiracy wild hog slop.
Huffin’ & Puffin’ venting His spleen
Seething and
Greasing the truth with Hydroxychloroquine.
Those damn Venezuelan voting machines.

The Big Lie
Pie in the Sky
Goodbye MAGA red road
We still have to reap
But don’t have to keep
The evil that we sowed.

Twitter and Facebook
The assignment
Made the case to hook
And Banned
The Bitter Beast
to Mar-a-Lago confinement.

Some of us
The dumb of us
The thumbs-down of us
didn’t understand the assignment
Just three lil’ jabs
The Lord he’ll protect you if you don’t
But won’t protect you if you do.

You’ll scream, “A lil’ jab’ll do ya”
Let us ask
We asked,
For variant facts
From deviant hacks
The Great Emaskulation
Vaxulation stagnation
Lax vaxxed Americana.

Mask mass shootings
With TP Thoughts’n Prayers
By besotted fraud squad
Boebert & Green
Two THOTs impaired.
Pass the Ammo
Wear the camo
Like baby Kyle
AR-15 cap-backward style
Don’t despair
Don’t knock it
Shoot the moon
You’ll be immune
On a rocket
Launched by a billionaire.

You lost your assignment
Excuse was confinement
Shorting subReddit
GameStop popped
Non-fungibles broken
Like micro-dosed
Non-fungi tokens
Magical shroom
No elephants in the room
This assignment made as much sense
As this goofy crypto stanza.

The Great Resignation
Nation’s economy Rigged for Gigs
The Great Gigsination
Understood the assignment
Behind it.
So Grab your own Grub
Deliver yourself
From from the
The Great Vax Mandation
Take this jab and love it.

Libs called dibs
On “Own the libs”
And ended up owning themselves.
Awoke to toke
The Progressive woke
Wokes don’t ever joke
They just provoke.
And choke
The works on election day
A super-spreader
Wokeism event
Discussions of
Progressive Instructions:
Wear your Systemic Structural Nonbinary Finery;
Get your Heteronormative CIS Critical Latinx fix;
Do your best to protest
At the anti-Racist Microaggressive white privileged chest-feeding front-holed they-them, cancelled woke fest.
(Over-understood that assignment In the Faculty Lounge.)

Jewish space lasers
Igniting forest fires
Repooblickin’ ballot erasers
JKF Jr alive not satire
Hillary controls cicada drones
To keep Trump from ever Reclaiming the throne.

We swallowed the fool-aid
From our self-buttressing Information depositories;
Inserted conspiracy

Our planet
We ran it
On blood and oil
The future soiled
The Globe’s not warm
It’s hot the norm
We should be sobsters
Don’t look up we’re all boiled
In the pot
Like blinded lobsters.

“Birds are not real”
Stop the steal
We wondered
Where the good wine went
Instead of understanding
The damn assignment.

Curtseying Krysten
And Machinating Machin
Declined the Squad’s
Demand for dancin’.
Understood their assignment
To Build Back Better
But whacked the cheddar
And stuck
Like a cargo ship in cement.

Checks of stimulus
Expectations nebulous
The midnight Covid Incubus
On your chest
And still infects.

Our real National worry
To hurry
And get
A new Jeopardy
Alex Trebek…
Maybe Tiger
When he recovers from
His triple bogey wreck?

UnSocial Media
Understood the assignment
Let’s make the world worse
With a Deep Fake metaverse
With Zucker
And Tucker
Hot to trot
Shuckin’ the Fox Rot dance
In a post-truth monetized trance.

Cicadas emerged
Inflation surged
Time to dig out
The old Whip Inflation Now Button pin
And maybe Kamala will reappear Again.

“So…” became
A popular new way
To start an answer
To any question…
Gives you the superior Advantage…at your discretion;
It’s better than “well”
And sure beats “uhh…” so start off always saying “So”! Duh!

2021 brought some relief
The NRA bankruption
Targeted by its total corruption.
Good riddance to
Flush Phlegmball
Not much grief.
The Beast was banished
But not yet vanished
Lurking in the sad bitter
Unvaxxed hearts of the peeved And aggrieved.
Joe understood what he was Assigned
By 80 plus milllion
But seems simply resigned
Like a eunuch’s ennui
At a celibate orgy.

Let’s agree to understand the Assignment
In 2022.
For the sake of the good old red White and blue.
Wear a mask…in crowds
Don’t attack school board volunteers.
Don’t buy an assault weapon…it’s Too tempting.
Don’t commit a mass murder.
Forget Mars.
Vax up…as many as you can get.
Don’t get into a tech billionaire’s rocket…one of them is going to crash in 2022.
Don’t drive your car into Christmas parades of marching kids and little old ladies.
Don’t try to overthrow the government. (Unless tRump wins again.)
Don’t hope for more Princess Di movies or shit.
Stay away from gender reveal parties..people still have them. (Unless it’s a Genital Reveal Party..then it’s an orgy).
Thinkin’ about joining a Smash ‘n Grab? Think again.
Don’t join a cult. Unless you’re
A Repooblican…then you’re already in one.
Don’t become a rapper…high death rate.
Don’t dance when you’re suddenly happy or get good news…You look stupid.
Don’t choose the best title ever for your novel “I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness.” Claire Vaye Watkins already did that.
Don’t confuse the fluff of life
With the real stuff of life.
And check out rapper Tay Money…Now that’s a sweet assignment.©️2021 L.Rudmann

Happy New Year

Lawrence Rudmann

Big Murder on Trump’s Watch

This happened on Trump’s watch. And he’s got to own it. The fourth year of his regime, 2020, was one of the most murderous in U. S. history. Largest one-year increase on record, a nearly 30% increase over the previous year with an additional 4,901 homicides in 2020 compared with the year before, the largest leap since national records started in 1960 for a total of 21,000+ murders. Lots of reasons: pandemic stress, civil unrest and proliferation of guns. But one other reason may eclipse all others: Trump himself. Or the Trumpification of America. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK?” Trump told supporters in 2016. Trump set the standard for lawlessness, criminality and mendacity as America’s law-breaker-in-Chief. Is it any wonder that low-life criminals, the mentally ill, the despairing, looked to Trump and said WTF, this guy’s the President and look what he gets away with. And he wants us all to own as many guns and mass-murder AR-15s as possible. Murder and mayhem. Thanks Trump. You own this.

Watch Out Americans: CRITICAL RACE THEORY is coming for You!!! …The Critical Race to Implement Critical Race Theory

CRT: in theory, it should critically jolt your heart into racing to the ICU.

CRT is the sleeper issue threatening to bring down our American Democracy and our very sacred American Way Of Life (AWOL). Why are Americans of European descent responsible for 100% of the problems and ills that challenge American society today? Under a recently exposed and possibly secret new law that some (many?)are saying could be proposed, the “White American Supremacy Prevention Act”, or (WASPA), Critical Race Theory instruction could be mandatory for White children beginning as soon as the attending physician or doola performs the omphalotomy (umbilical cord separation). Prenatal White pregnant mothers could also be strongly encouraged, although not required, to watch D.W. Griffith’s film The Birth of a Nation (1915) and listen nightly to selected speeches of Nation of Islam Leader Louis Farrakhan and Rev. Al Sharpton with a Government-issued Bluetooth speaker pressed firmly against baby bump.

This nefarious theory could be scheduled to infest and infect our nation’s schools with the possible, but who knows? passage of the “White American Supremacy Prevention Act (WASPA). Some of the possible measures in this purported new law could affect the very soul of our nation. Although CRT is a mysterious theory that few understand, every White American should certainly fear it. Here is some of the possible proposed language in this rumored new law:

CRT Education Syllabus for ages 1-5 as could be mandated by WASPA:

Special State-trained guides, “CRT Masters (or Massa’s,)” will conduct 2 hour daily in-home instruction for all White children on the history of how their parents have benefited from their White Privileges in American Society. Instruction will be enhanced thru State-produced children-oriented TV programming such as Mr. Rodger’s Red-lined Neighborhood, No Trees on Low-Income Sesame Street, and Defunda Peppa Piggies.”

CRT Syllabus for ages 6-12:

Mandatory parental readings to White children from the “People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn, whose book is described in Wikipedia as a “portrayal of American history as the exploitation and manipulation of the majority by rigged systems that hugely favor a small aggregate of elite rulers from across the orthodox political parties.”

Six to 12 year-olds shall also perform re-enactments in State-Run White Guilt Camps of slave ship life with a heuristic approach to rational and systemic modern racism.”

CRT Syllabus for 13 to 18 year olds.

Teen years should not be knowledge-lean years. Deep Dive Absorption in Modern Historical Culpability, Self-Condemnation and Reparational Statistics and Analysis will demand and ensure that this white cohort is prepared for a life regretful of his and her ancestral racist transgressions.”

Critical Race Theory implementation and inclusion into America’s education system is the first step toward who knows what! The only antidote is renewed emphasis on CRITICAL CRACKER THEORY (CCT) which has been the mainstay of the American education system since there was a system.

Mask Your Worries Away!New C.ovid O.cular V.irus I.noculation D.etector

With new CDC mask-off guidelines, how do you know who has been inoculated and who has not. Mask your worries with my C.ovid O.cular V.irus I.noculation D.etector. Don a pair these inconspicuous fashionable hi-tek wearable eyeglasses and you will immediately know whether the person you meet (closer than 6 feet distances) has been fully inoculated with one of the COVID vaccines. These “as-never-seen-on-TV” eyeglasses will alert you with a discreet butt-buzz (when properly inserted by one of the many Doctor Fauci-trained proctospecialists found in mini-mall nail and tattoo establishments across the nation.) Pre-orders of this remarkable prototype C.O.V.I.D. device will be available soon. A breathe worry-free future can be yours, masked-up or off. Indicate your interest in pre-ordering now with a 😲“wow.”

Rush Limbaugh’s Toxic Legacy

Of course one feels sad for his family and friends. But the expiration of Rush Limbaugh also feels as if an infected boil on America’s aspirational collective spirit of comity and unity has just been lanced.

In his bombastic radio rantings Rush Limbaugh perverted parody to derision and toxic mockery. His misogynistic and racist rhetoric struck some kind of evil laughing-clown chord in many of his followers.

Limbaugh shouted and amplified the darkest thoughts in the malevolent recesses of his fetid feverish mind. He gave his listeners permission to express, support and promote such toxic ideas that would never rise to cognitive expression in decent human souls.

He cruelly mocked the disabled, ridiculed feminists women as Nazis; regularly denigrated the poor and suffering. The term “punching down” now seems tailor made to describe his mean-spiritedness.

He wasn’t a conservative. He was a bomb throwing Joker with a megaphone insanely screaming “rotten meat, come and get it.”

No comfort is felt in his physical demise except for a sense of relief that this national abscess of necrotizing hate and poison that he festered has been aspirated. Rush Limbaugh’s listeners and admirers may miss him; America will not. Just as we quickly developed a vaccine for COVID, let’s pray we can “ warp speed” an “antibiotic” to cure the destructive infection of divisiveness and hate he so gleefully promoted.

President Donald J Trump’s Farewell Speech to the Nation

My dear fellow Americans:

It’s been over four long years since I descended that escalator with my lovely wife Malanney to announce my candidacy for the President of the U.S. Since then of course I have been your president, having technically, thru the Electoral College, won the election, even though I received over 3 million fewer votes than Hillary Clinton.

So here I stand before you with just one day remaining before former Vice President Joe Biden takes the reins from me. And I gladly hand him this honor and power. He deserves it having legitimately defeated me by over 7 million votes and a huge margin the the Electoral College. Believe me now, even though I have told you over 30,000 lies since 2016, Joe Biden won this election honestly and without a shred of fraud and doubt. I regret that I won’t attend his inauguration but to be honest with you (haha) my thin-skinned ego simply would not survive the sight of me standing humbled and defeated while Sleepy Joe Biden takes the oath of My Office. Maybe someday I’ll be able to call him and offer apologies and a belated congratulations. But I doubt it.

I announced my presidential candidacy with threats, taunts, horrible mis-characterizations of immigrants, especially Mexicans. I taunted my faux enemies with threats of imprisonment, stoking their insecurities and fear of a future that warned of an America dominated by multiculturalism and liberal permissiveness; an economy dependent on multinational and foreign interests. I pretended to want an America of Norman Rockwell’s white picket fences, church-going suburbs, old fashioned subservient women, anti-women’s choicers, the mythical religious and sexual mores of the 1950s, strong country folk and the hardy pioneering bootstrap spirit of white America. What I really wanted, but couldn’t say, was that I just wanted to piss off Barack Obama for making me the butt of his jokes at the 2011 Washington DC Correspondents’ Association Dinner. That’s why I ran for this damn job. I’m thin-skinned, alright! If you had been raised by a Fred Trump you would be too, believe me. Understand this: bluster, lies and deceptions are the only way I know how to act. Please read my lovely niece Mary Trump’s book. I never thought I would actually become President and once I realized I had won, the thought of being the leader of the free world and the most powerful person on the planet quite frankly scared the bejezeeus out of me. But I digress. (See, I’m not as illiterate as I’m depicted.. haha) What I actually decided after I’d been inconceivably elected, was to maximize the situation, which meant maximize the situation to my personal benefit.

I’m not a planner. I don’t really think linearly, nor do I think like a chess player. No 3-D moves for me. I’m all instinct, gut. If it feels right, do it. If it can profit me or increase my bottom line, just do it! Hey, that’s a really good motto, right? Just do it! I could sell shoes with that motto! I have the best words, you know! So when I got elected, damnit…(sorry evangelicals!) I knew I had to court and reward those poor yahoos who voted for me. Yup, as I’ve said before, I love the uneducated! And those folks see their self-interest, not in terms of economics, but reinforcement of their values..which basically meant to have someone to look down upon, to see others worse off, not white. Feed’em someone and something to blame, rile up resentment, point fingers at those “elites,” those who live on the coasts, who prefer wine over Bud; who put science and climate change over jobs. Who want to shut the country down because of a fake virus. Of course who fertilized those crazy ideas in their shallow little skulls? Me of course! Even I’m smart enough to know that if you add up all the old white men who are still fighting the Sixties cultural wars (those damn hippies!); religious folks who want to control women’s bodies; rural white folks who can’t understand why just being white hasn’t propelled them past Blacks and Brown folks…where’s the privilege in being white if a Black gets promoted over a white? If you say over and over again that immigrants are invading our shores like a pestilence; that liberals want to move minorities into your pristine white suburban enclaves; that everything you read, see and hear in the media is FAKE NEWS, (except Fox News!); that blaming China for everything else… repeat, stir, repeat, stir, over and over until you’ve cooked a cauldron full of toxic hate, resentment, cynicism, self-pity, and a thirst for revenge. And that’s my voting base. Not quite a majority, but still pretty damn potent. So potent that I could shoot someone on 5th Ave and they’d still love me. Haha, remember that line…beautiful!

Yes, it’s been a tremendous ride. Me in Air Force One and limos. You standing crowded and maskless and cold at my virus super-spreader rallies. Me winking and dog-whistling you to act on your worst angels, your darkest fears, your misguided notions of justice.

I know, I know…we hit a few speed bumps along the way. As I said about those dead veterans when they wanted me to visit some beach in Normandy France, impeach me once, you’re the fool; impeach me twice you’re suckers and losers. I sometimes think that my biggest problem, let’s face it, is that I’m just too damn honest and my best words just leap outta my mouth before being processed thru my very stable genius brain.

Well, quess I have to mention COVID. COVID, COVID, COVID. Sick and tired of hearing about it. Yeah, 400,000 of you died from it, but billions more would have died if I hadn’t… aww crap, I admit it..I really screwed this up. Of all the luck, great economy, stock market the best, my portfolios were really kicking ass, and then comes along this China virus and damn scientists like that Fauci guy says we all gotta wear masks. Do you know what a mask does to my makeup? Smears my tan, makes me look like a red-rumped orangutan. Enough said. Fix it Joe. It’s your problem now.

And one more thing before I go. That January 6 riot thing at the Capitol. You can’t blame me for trying. It’s not that I really want four more years of this job. But I do admit that I got used to some of the perks, and even the responsibilities, like pardoning a turkey at Thanksgiving and greeting football and baseball championship teams in the White House. And who would pass up an opportunity to host Kanye West and Kim K while he dropped the F Bomb with me sitting behind my Dissolute, I mean Resolute Desk! Good Times! Hey, Air Force One is a pretty sweet ride, but I’ll miss the chance to rename it Space Force One. Maybe I’ll talk with Joe about that.

So, go I must. As I said, it’s been a hellalva trip. Now get back to normal, buck up MAGA suckas, and as they say on the bus, keep on grabbin’.

Your Once & Only President Trump



How’ya doin’
Twenty Twenty
Vision division
Caused us plenty
Of rueing and stewing
Til blue
In the face
Behind the mask
Faith in our base
Or red in the neck
Or in that red hat
No MAGA mask don’t even ask
Just disconnect
And release our inner hounds
Too oh two ought
And fought our bounds
We were lost not found.

Two Kobees broke their earthly bounds
Shooting stars who hit the ground.
Influencing became a real job
Lonely INCELS shined their Knobs
While the mob
Boss elected
To run the land
The art of the Ukrainian Shakedown.

In the gaslighting
Progressive New Green Deal Fighting
A fever festered
Covid coverup
Blanketed and buried
Wall Streeter worries
And hurried to heaven
They dropped like flies
Helpless in beds they lie
In the twilight zones
Of their final nursing homes.

Like long sad sighs
That socially distant zoom in your
Screen-burned pandemic eyes
When hoping turned to coping
And surge tuned to dirge.

In the side effects
And intersect
Of unintended consequence
And unchecked Woke-ism
A Liberal schism
Incensed at the insensitive nation
Of Inquisitors at the
Great Cancellation.

In lockdown
Gutters clogged
With murder hornets
The social fabric
Torn it. Now mourn it.

Wildfires smogged
Brains conspire
Prophecies of doom and dire
Once upon a Q-anon pyre
Little fires embered higher
Puffed to life by the Donald Dissembler
Who lies for fun unashamed
All smoke and no flame
To heat his cup of toxic soup
Repeat and stir in a loop
Too stupid to know you’ve
Been stupidly duped.

Megan Thee Stallion
And Cardi B
Rapper rapscallions
Be horsing ‘round
Tongues in their cheeks
Curves and peaks
Celebratin’ vagination needs
Developed their own
Operation WAP Speed.

It’s way past time
To pass the time with our national Pastimes.
Are sports now relics
Of past times?
Re-runs of home runs
Touchdowns and empty stands
With mannequins instead of fans.
Athletes’ feats just televised
Instead of watching we sanitized.

In oceans of isolation
Plastic islands of the
Damned contamination
Lands of the banned
Waste not wanted
Insulated and out of sight
Fugettaboutit not worth the fight.

On the science
No Kool Aid to swallow
Attach a Covid sucking leech
Insert some lights where the sun don’t follow.
Drink a cup of Trump’s unkindness bleach
Or his go-to drink a Moscow Mule
Stirred not faken by Putin’s tool.

In the dark side of the room
Resistance to social distance
A portal to the tomb
Bearded boys with guns and ammo
Playing proud boi hero in Walmart camo.
Fighting for their American Way
To bowl in alleys
To get a haircut every day
And mask-less scream at Donald’s rallies.

The Department ordered
New modes of
Capital execution
Gas, electric not enough retribution
Firing squads and guillotines
Burned and boiled just the thing
Drawn and quartered seems fitting
HaHaHa literally side-splitting.

In our Covid co-habitations
Lockdown newborns
Children of the a-maizing
Pandemic parentage heritage
Covidia and Quarantina
Pandemia and lil’ Pandy
Vaccacina and brother Coronius
Flattaacurva and cousin Fauci.

Johns Lewis and John Prine
Good trouble makers
Givers of the heart not takers
In the ways they knew us
Spoke to justice and to truth
Like our beloved notorious Ruth.

Not the cure for the wheeze & a sneeze
A shot in the arm brings the virus To knee
But cannot cure
the Trump Soul Disease.

Our outrage
That knee in the neck
An act devoid
Of humanity’s sanity
A compassion disconnect
Murdered George Floyd
His sisters and brothers
More blood to spill
If the Covid don’t kill you
The PoPo will.

Our outrage
By maskless protesters’ destructive rampage
Damaged and shattered
Any vestige of the message
That Black Lives Mattered.

Some laughs
Amid the chaos and bathos
On the White House balcony
Trump’s Mussolini salute
Of his strongman defeat
Of the virus complete
Would take some special alchemy
To fit him in his fake Superman suit.
And not debatable
But certainly relatable
Henceforth it will always be said
That on Mike Pence’s head
That white dome
So dense
Would make a perfect home
And perfect sense
For a persistent black fly zone.

And truth to alternative factotums
Faithful to the Virus Liar Denier
Broadcasting airborne information Slush
Channeling the psychopathic
Enameled Orange Crush
Who hunkered
In his golf course bunkers
Too bored to care or say a prayer
A blessing shouted in angry lies
While 350,000 on his watch died.

Lost and Found
A year is a lifetime
A year is a timeline
A year is a lifeline
Beginning and end
Start and finish
Empty and replenish
Rise and descend.
Rest and stress
Fly and nest
2021 will bring relief
From 2020 may we be released.

Happy New Year 2021

Lawrence Rudmann

Do This One Weird Trick…to get rid of……. Trump!

Like a persistent toenail fungus on American democracy, Donald Trump refuses to go away. This Trump-induced mold inflicts and infects, presenting an intolerable stench of fear and pain inhibiting our nation’s ability to move forward to a future full of hope, heart and humanity. How do we rid ourselves of this debilitating embedded fungus? We’ve asked our “doctor,” the American electorate, for a cure. Seventy six million doses later the fungus, although greatly diminished, persists. It seems that about 70 million spores still remain active and seem resistant to treatment. What to do? America’s been through hell this year. A pandemic, the heartbreak of plaque psoriasis, closed bowling alleys, and worst of all, clogged gutters! Some have suggested offering Trump an Elba-like island to retreat to and lick his festering buboes. Others say send him on a free around-the-world golfing tour of the most exotic and exclusive golf courses. How about encouraging Trump to issue an Executive Order promoting incest so he could marry his long-lusted-after daughter Ivanka. But what Trump hates the most is paying taxes. Taxes are for losers. The IRS, with Congressional approval, could forgive all Trump’s back taxes and not require him to ever pay another dime in future taxes. But this One Weird Trick would do the trick: President Biden promises to pardon him of every federal crime. As long as he endorses, confirms and congratulates the new President-elect. And is forbidden to ever run for and hold an elected office higher than County Drain Commissioner. It’s a sweet deal. Offer it Joe! Take it Trump. And just go away.

Dear President Trump: How Do We Love Thee? Let Us Count The Ways.*

In our nation where about 150 million people are eligible to vote, about 70 million of us supported Donald Trump as our leader. Just what is it that we millions of Americans love about him? Do we like his ability to publicly lie multiple times a day over both the petty and significant?

Do we like the way he denigrates women, bragging how he sexually assaults them? And that at least 26 women have accused him of either rape or sexual assault? Hey, only 26. At least it’s not 260 women. They’re all lying, right?

We love his love of the “unborn.” We believe, as he does, that a man should control a woman’s body. Always protect a fetus before it’s born. (Of course even those who don’t love our Trump believe this.) But then forget it once its born.

Our Leader’s tirelesss fight against the enviro-wimps and their FAKE “climate change” keeps us praying to Him each night. Thank you God for sending Him to stand alongside Your Son Jesus. We love our polluted air, toxic water and rising sea levels. It’s like handling snakes and speaking in unknown tongues, Trumpspeak!

Or maybe we admire his character, exemplified by the check he signed for $130,000 to shutup a porn star who he had sex with while his wife was in hospital after giving birth to his son. Ha, what a character!

Perhaps we love him for his charitable generosity shown by his beneficent Trump Foundation which was ordered dissolved by the courts for misusing funds for political and personal financial gain.

Well, we do admire his commitment to quality education exemplified by his establishment of Trump University which bilked students out of thousands of dollars and was dissolved after settling $25 million in lawsuits alleging illegal business practices,false claims and racketeering. And for his statement that “I love the uneducated.” See, he just wants to educate us.

So many reasons to love this man.

He did keep us safe from those masked liberal snowflakes. By overcoming the fake Covid19 flu thru the sheer power of his masculinity and his artful management of the pandemic, Trump let it only kill 230,000 Americans instead of trillions and trillions. You love him, now?

The 500 Mile! That’s it. We just love those 5 new miles of new wall he built. Illegal immigration? Problem solved.

So many reasons, so little space. Well, let’s not forget about those tariffs he placed on China and other trading partners. Love that $80 increase in washing machines and other products.

But let’s get down to the basics. The intangible virtues that are hard to measure: patriotism, gallantry and the grit to lead our nation as Commander in Chief of our mighty and honorable military forces.

We Trump supporters honor our brave Vietnam vets by honoring the man who avoided that war because of bone spurs in his courageous vagus nerve.

And of course we are inspired by his brave words that veterans of wars who died were “suckers and losers.”

And that he disrespected American hero POW and Senator John McCain. “I like people who weren’t captured,” he so eloquently said.

Ah, freedom-loving words from the man who we 70 million Americans vote for.

If none of these reasons explain our love perhaps we need to talk about his love of us, almost half of America. His half.

His steadfast refusal to condemn white supremacy is certainly a profile in courage for us.

And his admiration and support of strongmen dictators such as Putin demonstrates his desire to emulate their power and authority and make America stronger. Gotta love that, right?

What about his cleverness and business acumen? That’s why we elected him. His businesses only declared bankruptcy six times. And we all know how difficult it is to make a profit from casinos. Too many customers winning!

Only paying $750 bucks in federal taxes? Who couldn’t love that!

And at last, we love Trump for his support and defense of Democracy and our cherished American Voting process. Every vote counts and the American people declare who wins the Presidency. Who couldn’t love a President who defends and supports that decision?

Our Leader’s tirelesss fight against the enviro-wimps and their FAKE “climate change” keeps us praying to Him each night. Thank you God for sending Him to stand alongside Your Son Jesus. We love our polluted air, toxic water and rising sea levels. It’s like handling snakes and speaking in unknown tongues, Trumpspeak!

We count the ways. Just don’t count those votes.

*Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day’s

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

Steel uself!

In case it happens; or what to do with the rest of your life.

Remember “Resist to Exist?” Four years ago after the “Could Never Happen” happened? Can’t blame you for memory lapse. So sure that Hillary would win (she did win the actual votes by more than 3 million) the election on that glorious night, so confident that a con man clown would never accede to the Oval Office, that I staged a Hillary Victory party in my trendy Chicago loft in River North, a converted Montgomery Ward warehouse overhanging Goose Island, a man-made “island” created by digging a canal along the Chicago River. The dredged silt, river bed, rocks and bones of unnamed corpses formed what’s now Goose Island, which today is undergoing major retail and housing re-development.

That evening, now forever seared in infamy in the karma-lized area of my brain, we prepared to celebrate America’s first woman President-elect. No, Hillary wasn’t perfect; but damn she was perfectly qualified to be a Commander in Chief, a President for all Americans, even those “deplorables” she so unfortunately (accurately?) and regrettably described. I’d even made a goofy YouTube ad for her with the help and urging of a California niece. As guests arrived and settled I began serving hors d’oeuvres of apricot ricotta honey basil bites, goat cheese stuffed peppadews and clam toasts with pancetta. Wine poured from amusing bottles of Chateau D’Yquem 2015 Premier Grand Cru Sauternes and for our beer lovers chilled pints of Brewdog’s End of History, a blond Belgian ale mixed with nettles and juniper berries from the Scottish highlands and then freeze-distilled multiple times. (This is how Libs nosh (snack) & sip (drink), right, tRumpers? Chicken wings, chips and onion dip? Not really.)

Polls closed. Early returns dribbling in. Trump leads in predictable southern strongholds. Hillary slightly behind in some swing states like Wisconsin. Hmmm, turnout slightly under expected in Dem strongholds like Detroit and Milwaukee. Refills all around; pass the foie gras. Not for worry. Returns now cascading across the networks. Uh, Trump picking up states and electoral votes. Hillary loses Ohio..still ok..wait..Florida called for Trump? And Pennsylvania, no, no, Michigan too? Not Wisconsin! Yup. The silence of shock is palpable. What the fcuk? The Grand Cru Sauterne is surprisingly warm, sour. Suddenly the stuffed peppadews and clam toasts taste dangerous. It’s only 10 pm damnit. Trump declared winner. Party over. (Damn you Jill Stein!)

Four years. Four long years.. of the pussy grabber separating and caging immigrant children from their parents, spewing daily mouthfuls of orange-faced lies, ridiculous exaggerations, theft, nepotism, xenophobia, cheating, misogyny, bullying, paying off a porn star, denial of collusion with Russia to win the election, kiss-assing the planet’s worst dictators, climate change denial, right wing judicial appointments, blasphemous treatment of the Bible for political and violent gain, racist encouragement of white supremacy terrorists, shredding the fabric of our democratic institutions and threatening the democracy that is our national foundation and heritage. And nearly a year of mismanagement and denial of a pandemic which so far has killed more than 220,000 Americans.

That’s a lot of damage in just under four years. And we could be looking at another four years.

Now, one day before the voting stops. No victory party this time. In fact we’ve left Chicago for Michigan, where our votes have a chance of being meaningful. Polls are positive today, one day before the election. Nervous as a Trump appointee raising his hand to swear (sweat) to tell the truth before a congressional investigative hearing. Will be pacing in front of the TV. No guests. Some good weed. Bud LIght. Cheap wine (Trump?) Bag of chips and 7-11 onion dip.

One day to go. A calm sense of serenity and perverse acceptance. Like a condemned innocent in the hours before the walk to the gallows.

If it happens again, if the tyrant is given a reprieve and returned to rule another four years, where do we go from this day on. Preparing myself for the worst. He sneaks by legitimately or foments a civil war to prop himself up as Despot for Life.

How long can the Resistance carry on? America is tired and weary. Many will just give in, accept the horror and try to adjust. Others will keep the fires of the Resistance burning. Regardless of which coping mechanism one chooses here are some ideas to maintain a semblance of mental health, stability, composure, achievement and happiness. Assuming we don’t have a civil war.

• Learn a second (or another) language. Will come handy if you immigrate to another country.

• Immigrate to another country. And learn another language.

• Write a novel. Hell, if Trump can be president you can at least write a sucky novel.

• Learn to play a musical instrument. I recommend the ukulele if you have no musical ability. After a while you will.

• Fall in love. For the first time or again. With your already-loved one or someone new (if your already-loved one doesn’t love you).

• If you’re a parent with young children teach them about the real history of America (buy a copy of The People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn), the Constitution, democracy. Before we forget it all.

• Travel across the U.S. by yourself or with your family. Maybe take off a year if you can afford it and see as much of America you can.

• And lastly: do all or some of the above no matter who wins.

Rats! Sidewalk Collapse Foreshadows Election Outcome?

Rats occupy a special place in the compendium of human fears and fascination, these horriblis rodentica come to real life in urban streets and virtually in literature and popular culture. Rat-riding fleas spread the Bubonic Plague Black Death in the 1300s. A cage of hungry rats strapped to his face breaks poor Winston in George Orwell’s 1984. Rats have always played a supporting role in movies, occasionally gnawing their way to stardom in horror flicks such as “Willard” and “Ben” as well as lovable in the animated Ratatouille. Social mediaites scurried voraciously to watch The Pizza Rat labor determinedly drag his found meal down the subway steps. A few days ago a New York City sidewalk collapsed casting an unfortunate pedestrian 12 feet down into a pit swarming with rats. Afraid to scream for help he said he didn’t want rats to crawl into his mouth.

With the Election of America’s next President only a few days away, will the sidewalk of American democracy collapse, hurling us to doom in a pit filled with the Rat King Trump and his hoard of rat relatives and Republican rodents? New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman wrote recently that if Trump wins this may be the last weekend in America, the democratic United States of America. Hyperbole you say? In his last days campaigning the Rat King is frothing that if he doesn’t win there will be chaos in the streets. That he must be declared the winner on election night or else! America’s Democratic infrastructure, like the sidewalks of America, have been hollowed out, neglected and teeming underneath with corrupt, ravenous, greedy vermin. Only an army of American voters determined to defeat the rats under feet will save us. Gods won’t. They only save those who want to be saved. Save ourselves. Or let the rats crawl into our mouths and devour us from inside out. Vote before it’s too late.

A Memory

Congressman John Lewis, civil rights icon and truly one of god’s greatest human creations is dead in this world he struggled mightily to make better. I knew him only peripherally when I was communications director for the Peace Corps years ago. On a cold morning in Chicago I met him at his hotel to accompany him, as I’d done various other times, to a radio interview, TV talk show (memory lapse?) either at WBBM or WGN to discuss anti-poverty issues and initiatives. Driving my tiny Renault LeCar north on pot-holed Halsted street, a front wheel cratered and blew out. As I pulled over to the trash-littered berm near Halsted & Grand, John was the first to jump out to survey the damage. I’d never changed a tire on this pathetic little car but before I could hide my dismay John had the jack out of the trunk and was handily loosening the lugs. I grabbed the spare and quicker than a NASCAR pit stop tire change we were on our way. I’d scheduled and accompanied many clients on various media tours but I remember John Lewis as the most real and authentic; no pretense, no exhibit of self-importance, no ego-tripping. He exuded decency, compassion and the seriousness of a man older than his age. Though brief and trivial my encounters with John Lewis were, they always left me with a sense that I was in the presence of a great man. I didn’t know he would go on to become a gifted Congressional Representative whose most important accomplishment was representing the conscience of America. When he spoke, in conversation or in public, his words were often eloquently simple, delivered with the hard conviction of a man who lived his experience,truth and convictions. Yeah, we changed a flat tire together one morning in Chicago. And without me he went on and did his part to make the world a better place.

Deranged Donald

According to Mary Trump, niece of the guy sitting in the White House, in 1981 her uncle Donald chose to go to the movies rather than accompany his dying brother Fred Jr. to the hospital. Which of these then-current movies did he see?

Absence of Malice

Escape from New York

Hardly Working

The Looney Looney Looney Bugs Bunny Movie

Mommie Dearest


Take This Job and Shove It

American Gigolo

The Untouchables

The Last Emperor

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Do the Right Thing

Which movie did Trump go to see while his brother was dying? The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

Summer Time in Trumparumpaville.

Summer is finally here and we’re seeing, as Our Glorious Leader Trump predicted, the Trumporonavirus has faded away. Well, not exactly. The US keeps breaking its daily high infections with massive virus rates mounting in Florida, Texas, Arizona, Nevada, California. Many states are on “pause” for re-opening. As Americans flock to beaches maybe they should stop at a church on the way and pray since America’s most non-Christian, irreligious president, who rarely if ever attends church services, has called for churches to re-open and declared “houses of worship” essential.

But instead, we’re at the beach. We’re not exactly the most religious country in the world. Trump himself, by his actions and words, rejects most of the basic tenets of Christianity including the basic golden rules. (His version says do unto others before they do unto you). He regularly violates most of the the Ten Commandments, for example: idolizing wealth and himself; taking the lord’s name in vain at his public rallies; he’s not exactly a Sabbath keeper; perversely he does “honor” his father and mother, if “honoring” means carrying on the traditions of his racist slumlord father. (Photos of mom and dad adorn his Oval Office desk); no convictions for murder…yet; adultery? Ha Ha..; stealing? How many bankruptcies? Not paying his contractors on building projects…his thefts are legendary; bearing false witness? Hmmm, does accusing former congressman news personality Joe Scarborough of murder count? Coveting?…thy neighbor’s wife? What about thine own daughter? (daddy thinks you’re hot, Ivanka!) Nine out of ten ain’t bad. What are Commandments for anyway if you can’t break’em.

He also turns loose his storm troopers on protesters so he can cross the street to hold a Bible (upside down) for a photo opp. Kind of like:

A porn actor named Chastity?

Oedipus forgetting Mother’s Day?

Lucifer chillin’?

Cain moving to Philadelphia?

Sean Hannity going down on Hillary?

Mitch McConnell endorsing facelifts?

Mike Pence having lunch with a woman who’s not his wife?

Trump got elected by losing to Hillary by more than 3 million votes. So who knows? Happy Summer 2020.

A Voice from the MidCoast

Tom Crane, KKFI Community Radio, Kansas City, MO

The second week continues after the vicious murder of George Floyd for being Black. Many citizens have finally had enough and risen in protest across the nation. They have now shown a shocked nation a mirror and forced us to look at our own racially-charged history that has had its knee on the neck of the country for centuries.

If it were not for the event which triggered these uprisings, I would be immensely proud of citizens finally standing up for people’s rights against the militarization and commodifying of our surveillance culture, and against a proto-dictator. I am glad that people have awoken, but I am very sad that it took this heinous event in our history to provoke this.

Years ago when I was a lot younger, I went on a march in Washington to protest against a made-up war. Over 100,000 citizens peacefully protested against the overseas US policy.

I remember on that march on Washington against the phony war, police seemed different. They were on the edge of the crowd wearing normal uniforms, not combat gear. They seemed to actually protect demonstrators and their right of assembly. I remember one officer smiling and opening his coat to expose an anti-war sticker which caused the crowd near him to gleefully chant “more pay for cops”.

Not anymore. Today that’s impossible against a phalanx of pseudo-military occupiers. They are locked arm-in-arm and outfitted in armor and shields ready for battle against the ruler’s declared enemies. They have a variety of weapons – Instruments ready for rapid use against those who question authority. The reaction to protests seems more like an episode of “Rome” than what should be happening in the United States.

It isn’t possible to identify who some of these wannabe enforcers are as you would in an actual war where soldiers are required to show visible personal identifiers. Some of those facing protestors have no identification while others have taped over badge numbers and insignia allowing them to do what they want without repercussion.

It’s reported that many came with their ready-for-combat equipment from as far away as Texas to our capitol. Interesting. National guard soldiers are supposed to serve in their own home state, not in Washington. Yet, here they are, engaged and ready to protect the ego of the current ruler of the country.

This is an occupying army of a domestic colony. DC has a population of over 700,000 and has no representatives in Congress.

On one night last week, the White House resembled a Halloween house that had no candy for costumed trick-or-treaters. All the lights in all the windows were turned out seemingly to say, “Nobody Home”. This was reminiscent of the War of 1812 where the president had to flee. But this time the current occupant was busy safely “inspecting” a bunker below the street.

Next day, outside-agitator troops from the hinterland were deployed to end the ruler’s inconvenience and show his power. With horses, chemical weapons, rubber bullets, and shields, Lafayette Park across from the White House was cleansed of those who had peacefully and defiantly asserted rights as American citizens – so the ruler could have a “photo-op” in front of a nearby church.

I remember previous years standing peacefully in that very park across from the people’s house to express my opinion without the fear of being trampled or gassed.

After the park and church debacle, local religious leaders resented having their church used as a background for propaganda by the ruler, and said so. He had obliviously and disrespectfully, held the holy book important to them upside down as a prop used for photos that show how great he thinks he is.

Then he retreated through a safe, empty cleared-corridor flanked by columns of combat-gear enforcers. He fled back to our American presidents’ house to plan some new ego-enhancement activity. As usual, he again belligerently denounced those who dared question him. Now though, many citizens know that his cowardly and offensive posturing won’t help him against those who see him as a king wearing no clothes.

The Black Lives Matter protests did achieve one of the ruler’s objectives – his long-standing goal of completing a wall. But this time the wall is a lot smaller and is around the house where he now temporarily occupies.


We often complain and whine about the U.S. Postal Service as an anachronistic institution for its inefficiencies and service. But let’s face it, in these times of desperate distancing and disease, the sight of your local Postal carrier delivering mail and packages is a welcome one. Recent threats to the future funding for the USPS by “president” Trump jeopardizes this much-needed delivery service. Trump has been blocking emergency funding saying that if it just raised rates for shipping items from Amazon and other companies it would not need extra funding. What he really wants is to cripple the USPS so that it won’t be able to process and deliver election mail-in ballots from states like California which recently approved state-wide mail-in voting for everyone. Well, here’s an idea for the USPS that would convince Trump to provide a massive infusion of bucks. Hey, USPS, start printing TRUMP STAMPS. His ego is so pervertedly out of whack that he couldn’t resist having his mug (with a subtle MAGA message on it) on postage stamps. Especially if the Postal Service eliminated all other stamps. Just one beautiful huge powerful tremendous stamp that everyone would have to buy to mail anything. And make it a one cent stamp. Lick it to stick it. No self-adhesion.The glue would have the subtle scent, aroma and taste of a mail-order Trump Steak pan-fried in rich thick Trump cologne arousing the licker to buy Trump steaks and perfume and other Trump swag. That’s 55 images of the GOAP (greatest of all presidents) on every envelope mailed. And a big stimulus check for the Post Office. Funding problem solved, USPS.

Conspiracy to Know

Did You know???

The truth will set us free.That’s a direct famous quote from our President and Defender of our One Nation Under God. Our President wants to free us from the fake flu that dumbycrats are trying to spread across our Blessed Fatherland. There are lots of theories (that means it’s true) and explanations of what’s really going on. Many of us know what’s really going on, especially our President, who often says we must find out what’s really going on. Well here’s most likely, (which really means IT’S WHAT’S GOING ON! ) really going on! Many people are saying that what’s really going on “could” (which means it’s the truth) be one of the following:

Of course everyone already knows about the “Mole Children.” Those Covid tents in Central Park in New York City are really the Government covering up secret tunnels where deamoncrats are imprisoning crippled children for sex trade. Those tents are NOT full of virus infected victims but are there to hide from the public the terrible things going on down in these tunnels to Hell.

And there are many other things happening that are tricking the Americans people into being critical of our President because of this fake or not flu.

Did you know??

The Covid 19 virus is (if it is real although many are saying it is not) a delayed reaction and revenge for to the banishment of the Roman poet Ovid from Rome by Emperor Augustus in 8 AD to Constanta, Romania. C, from Constanta, + Ovid, broke out in two thousand 19. There you have it! COVID-19. Ovid’s Revenge!

Did You Know??

The Covid-19 did not ooze out of a wet wild animal market in China. It actually oozed out ON SCHEDULE from a secret Kenyan hut-laboratory where Obama and his relatives carried out a devious plan devised in the waning Obama days before Trump’s inauguration (which drew over a billion people). The virus was concocted using bush rat saliva, sloth genital smegma and ancient petrified monkey anuses. Obama and his Kenyan Minions released the virus to insure that Trump not be re-elected.

Did You Know??

FLATULENCE CAN SPREAD THE VIRUS!! In fact, many people are saying that flatulent activity has been increasing at an alarming rate due to the VeganLiberal’s (VigLibs) promotion of high-fiber grain-based diets. N-95 masks and social distancing from VigLibs is highly recommended.

Did You Know??

Planned Parenthood Predators, desperate to perform abortions, concocted the whole fake virus thing in order to get the government to shut down the country causing people to hunker down together in households, get bored watching Netflix and have illicit sex causing unwanted pregnancies and the need to have abortions. Very devious indeed.

Did You Know??

Low-flush toilets and LED light bulbs are suspected of causing the global Covid-19 pandemic. Promoted by Eco-Libs, these misguided Green Terrorists, in their naive attempt to “save the planet” inadvertently set loose upon our Clean-Coal powered earth stupid government regulations to save our already-clean waterways by limiting our American god-given right to healthy abundant full-tank flushes. This low-flush bathroom environment helped breed the Covid-19 virus. And by selling LED bulbs under the fake idea of saving electricity (and killing our beautiful coal industry and the tremendous powerful beauty of incandescent lighting), many people are saying that these diode-infested LED bulbs are emitting radioactive sonic waves disrupting normal healthy microbes transmuting them into a lethal virus. This intended consequence of destroying our American Way of Life by Eco-Libs has come home to roost.

And don’t get me started on ….FLORIDE !

Ask Your Doctor If Trump Is Right For You.

My Fellow Americans: Just who is this so-called little Dr. Fauci anyway? Doesn’t “Fauci” mean “fakey”in American language. Dr.Downer? Dr.Gloomndoom? Dr.Heyweallgonnadie? Why is he even on TV’s most highly rated, better-than-the-Batchlor, bigger than the Super Bowl national daily reality show, “The Covid Conquerer!” starring none other than the nation’s preeminent, most trusted Health Expert, me!, Doctor DJ. Trump! This third rate so-called “Doctor” Fakey Fauci keeps trying to upstage me on my very own powerful ratings-busting television show. Some people, especially the fake media, say he is becoming a star, a trusted expert. Well let me tell you, this short little Fauci guy may think he’s great, but let me tell you, many people are saying that this FauciFakey guy, I call him a guy, a lot of powerful people are saying that my tremendous prescription cure is just what America needs. Hydroxychloraquine. Hydroxy and chloroquine. Two very powerful drugs. Put them together and you get hy-drox-y Chlo-a-quine. Quine. I call it, and very soon, the Whole World will be calling it Trumpaquine. TRUMPAQUINE.. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it! Doctor Fakey says you got to test it first. You think I would buy stock in an untested drug? Noooo..lots of money invested. Powerful. Whadda got to lose? Buy it now and I’ll throw in a box of frozen Trump Steaks. People say they are the best. And that’s not all. Ask you doctor for Hydroxy-Chloraquine..and I’ll include a free degree from Trump University. Dr. Fakey warns of side-effects.. well the only side effect from this beautiful Hy-droxy stuff that I know of is you might get bone spurs. Which could come in handy if we ever have to go to war against China or Canada. Buy it now. Or there will be death. Now, I’ll turn it over to Dr. Fauci.


Exculpation: “the act of freeing from guilt or blame.” Biggest word Trump has ever uttered. Yup he knows that word.

Bumper sticker on Prez Limo: “My karma ran over my dogma.” Trump refusing to wear mask.

Doctor Trump must own serious pharmaceutical stock in companies that make chloroquine and hydroxychloroquine.

Let Them Eat (deductible) Lunch

At last our Great Leader Trumpus has pulled the rabbit out of the hat and saves us from the plague. Today, in his infinite wisdom, our Dear Magnificent Leader solves the curse on our land. By reinstating the tax-deductible 3-martini lunch for business executives our poor nation will be lifted up by the Beneficent Very Large Hands of Our Lord Trump. In his daily Sermon on the Mount from his sacred White House our beloved Omnipotentor soothed our restless souls in this terrible time of Obama-induced pandemic. Dear Father Trump tweeted “Congress must pass the old, and very strongly proven, deductibility by businesses on restaurants and entertainment. This will bring restaurants, and everything related, back – and stronger than ever. Move quickly, they will all be saved!” Oh yes All Powerful Master, and so will your Holy Temples of Golf and Resorts. Your Boundless Wisdom is only exceeded by your Devine Greed.

Last Resort

This could be our last chance. The foul beast is loosed upon the land. Social distancing, self quarantining, closing restaurants, sports, all gatherings of any size or purpose may not be enough. People still venture out to go to pharmacies and grocery stores. This may have to stop. What? How will I get my meds and food and household essentials, i.e. TP? Enact martial law. Authorize the military, national guard and community police to deliver and distribute essential meds directly to households and individuals. Temporarily nationalize Amazon and UPS and fully fund and protect the US Postal Service all of which will deliver meds and food. No more spreading the virus in grocery stores and pharmacies. Food will be simplified by distribution of special MREs (military-style Meals Ready to Eat) that contain daily meals and a small supply of TP. A 2-month supply (per individual) of MREs will be stockpiled in central areas of neighborhoods and fully-protected/National Guard, Amazon,UPS,Postal and community volunteers will distribute supplies of MREs to households. The MREs won’t kill us but the virus surely will. We’ll eat this crap for two months, take vitamin supplements and maybe survive. Added benefit: alleviate America’s obesity problem. We’ll emerge leaner, stronger and more thankful than ever before. Let’s do it.

Virus-Inspired New Baby Names

With the world in the throes of a pandemic many are also quarantined and isolating themselves. Will there be a Coronavirus baby boom in nine months? If so, will we see an outbreak of Covid-19 related baby names? Such as:

Calaminity Jane





















Vacationing During a Pandemic

Self-quarantining? Social-isolating yourself? Fighting zombies over the last roll of toilet paper? Searching for hand sanitizer? Avoiding stock market updates? Smacking your forehead over the ineptness of the Trump guy who occupies the Office of President? Yeah, the latter for sure. But I’m on vacation. In sunny warm little Sanibel Island, Florida. A bubble of basic normality where quarantining means strolls on the beach, frosty margaritas and cold Coronas, biking thru tropical pathways, kayaking thru the mangroves, moonlight pool swims. And yes, dining in sparsely occupied beach restaurants and bistros. I’ve been here for over two weeks. The first two were before the world was officially declared at war with the Coronavirus. This the third week and I can hear faint faraway rumblings of that war inexorably creeping closer. Sure, the raw oysters and conch fritters, coconut shrimp and cold beer contribute mightily to the trite, corny tourista Jimmy Buffet-pretend lifestyle. Like being in Disney World, or Dolly Partonland, or that place in Missouri or Arkansas with the Japanese fiddle-player and long-forgotten 1950s crooners. But without all the Disney shit, Dolly crap and Japanese fiddlers. It feels like the little island it is. Life goes on here; everyone seems to have been infected not with Covid-19 but instead with Novid-00 island fever. Since we’re already booked here until the end of the month I’m fighting the impulse to just pack up, hit the road (we drove) and endure a three-day drive home to Southwest Michigan. But it’s snowing there. And 80 here. Amid warnings to avoid contact with grandchildren, our two near our Michigan home, what’s to gain from an early departure. So we take it day by day, read online apocalyptic reports and try not to panic. Time for a bike ride, dear. And then a dip in the pool, martini in hand. Welcome to the pandemic vacation.

President Pangloss

In Voltaire’s Candide, incurable optimist Dr. Pangloss was at least cheerful. And unlike our egomaniacal Trump-as-president, he didn’t credit all his optimism to himself. To Pangloss the world was wonderful because it is a wonder. To Trump all wonderfulness comes only from himself. Isn’t it wonderful that he is managing the Pandemic so masterfully, unlike anyone else, especially that bumbling President Obama! So reassuring was his tremendous best-ever, perfect press conference where he eased the nation’s fears of extinction by parading to the microphone a cache of CEOs. ( a bunch of crows is a “ murder,” birds a “flock,” fish a “ school”…so what do you call a group of CEOs.? a “cache?) How beneficent of Walmart to open it’s parking lots to drive-by virus testers. And Google, for making a new website that they are not really making so quickly and actually not so quickly and tremendously better than that old Obamacare website. And Roche Pharmaceuticals, whose stock prices rose in real-time on the TV screen’s chyron during the announcement that the FDA has approved its new virus tests. And all those nasty, pesky Obama regulations that President Pangloss presidentially flicked away! Thanks, Obama, for causing this damned Pandemic. And special thanks Prez Pangloss for reassuring the nation that you “…take no responsibility” for any Coronavirus failures. Americans are so grateful, Prez Pangloss, that in your Most Wonderful Perfect Press Conference you didn’t assure Americans that you would exert your prez powers to stop people from hoarding toilet paper, sanitizers, household goods and food. And insure the supply chain from producers of these goods flows uninterrupted to stores everywhere. That website that Google is not making not so quickly is such a relief! Thank Trump for a website and a flowchart in the face of national crisis and chaos. You’re doing a great job, Brownie.. I mean Trumpfy! Americans celebrate your optimistic wonderfulness.

The Trumporona Virus

The Trumporona virus has finally been diagnosed and identified as the near pandemic sickness incubating and now plaguing the world since January 2017. The presenting features of The Trump contagion appear to be loss of neurological impulse control, intestinal pseudofortitudinous obstruction of the uvulaial brain-to-mouth expressway; degradation of the neuronic cells with accompanying growth of moronic tumors in the right cerebral cortex which prevents the ability to create and translate actions and thoughts into the realm of rational factuality. Health officials estimate that up to 40 percent of the American voting electorate are now highly infected with Trumporona exhibiting symptoms as varied as frothing lips when presented with settled and tested evidence-based scientific facts, to “twitchy overlookitis” a visual anomaly that causes both eyes to permanently cast elevated sight lines overlooking common human-Christian transgressions such as misogyny, sexual intercourse with porn stars while wife is nursing newborn; isolating young foreign bodies in cages, and treasonous conspiring with foreign enemies.

Although the Trumporona contagion has primarily spread throughout the U. S. infected trumpyspores have migrated to other nations showing up as outbreaks of feverish white corpuscular militancy, foaming spittlemouth xenophobia and resistance to a particularly virulent strain of nodule penile tuber elongated buboe syndrome, commonly know as “dick-tater” root and support syndrome.

According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) a vaccine derived from large doses of Dignity and Decency to combat the Trumporona plague is being developed and will soon be tested in various U. S. states with hope of going nationwide on November 3 this year.

Bernie Bros Brew & Stew

VFX Super Tuesday was a super pooper day for Bernie Bros. Instead of voting in record numbers it appears they once again predictably chose to drink their latest favo IPA brews at their newest craft micro brewery. Now they stew in their brew, stroking their beards and whining about how life is unfair. And that if Bernie doesn’t get the nomination then they won’t vote for anyone. Do they subconsciously want Bernie to lose. And then they’ll have an excuse to make the effort to not to vote? I know, I’m being too hard on our young millennial class. And unfairly casting stereotypes over an entire generation. I wished they had proved me wrong on Tuesday. Wish they had fulfilled Bernie’s hope to storm the polling places demonstrating unity, strength and resolve. Those wild crazy Bros at Bernie rallies, with their thousands of placards twitching in frenzied excitement on Monday went home and slept in on Tuesday. Wake up Bros, at least by November and vote for Biden or whoever gets the nomination. Or smell the stench of Trumpism for four more years.

Platform for Defeat

A severely unpopular Xenophobic Xtremist Criminal Racist Indecent Misogynistic Imbecilic Narcissistic Anal Liar (xxC.R.I.M.I.N.A.L) currently occupies the Office of President of the U.S. (Name-calling? Yes. Unfortunately, in this instance, it’s called for.)

Donald Trump, who currently sits in the office of U. S. President, is propped up by a minority electorate cult and a bootlicking, groveling intimidated Republican Senate. His prospects for re-election should seem dim. But instead, he seems a sure election winner and shoe-in to threaten, for another four years, and possibly destroy American democratic values for ever.

How could this happen you ask? Well, at least I ask. The depressing answer lies under the left progressive snowflake wings of should-know-better snow angels of the Democratic Party. Leading the long thin line of candidates who hope to defeat the xxC.R.I.M.I.N.A.L Trump are two East Coast liberal elites: 78 year old recent heart-attack survivor democratic socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders, and former Harvard professor Senator Elizabeth Warren. Also polling high in primary states is thirty seven year-old (gay)mayor of South Bend Indiana, pop. 9,000, Pete Buttigieg. And of course a 77 year-old Botoxed Joe “Loose Lips’n Teeth” Biden, former US Senator and Vice under the Pretty-Damn-Good-now-looks-Great President Barrack H. Obama. And some other guys who want to assume to great heights such as a Kobuchar and another Mayor, late Septuagenarian Billionaire Mike Bloomberg and his billionaire doppelgänger Tom Steyer.

The Wild Bunch, right?

And what do two of the leading candidates, Sanders and Warren propose?

Free health care for illegal immigrants

Mandatory Medicare for All (cancel current health plans for 160 million people)

Reparations for slavery

Open Borders

Grab their guns

Free college

Cancel student debt

Punish wealthy

This are the policies of the progressive wing of the Democratic Party. As much as I personally support some form of these positions, even one or two, mandatory Medicare for all or reparations for slavery represent a platform for defeat in November. There must be a way to meet in the middle. I know, in Texas the middle of the road means dead armadillos. In doubles tennis the net is highest on left or right alley hi-risk shots. In a Trump/Pence vs Bernie/AOC doubles match the nation will be left in the worst position to be on the court: “no-man’s land”. But hitting down the middle can score winners. The presidency. The House. The Senate. Think about it Bernie Bros.

The Putinurian Candidate

Reports that U. S. intelligence agencies warn that Russia is attempting to promote the candidacy of Bernie Sanders confirm what I recently wrote that Bernie was Putin’s guy. It’s a no-brainer that both Putin and his minion Trump are drooling over the prospect of running against Old Socialist Sanders. If Bernie doesn’t keel over with a heart attack during a debate with Trump a small miracle will have happened. Trump is already blabbing about Bernie’s honeymoon in Moscow years ago. Just wait til he reads aloud some of the youthful Bernie musings on the dynamics of male/ female sexuality. “A woman enjoys intercourse with her man — as she fantasizes being raped by 3 men simultaneously.” (See insert). Oh, yes, don’t doubt that Trump will gleefully but “shocked, horrified and troubled” read aloud from The Book of Bernie.”

And after Bernie’s victory in the Nevada caucuses Trump tweeted, “…congratulations, Bernie. Don’t let them take it away from you.” One can almost hear Trump’s bloated greasy lips smacking at his future November 3rd. dinner of an over-cooked dessicated Deep Fried Bernie Burger with all the Senate and House trimmings. Four More Years. Trump Supreme Court. Environmental disasters, corruption on a scale exceeding the past three years. Democracy as we once knew it? Forget it. Thanks Bernie.

Re-wind WrapUp

After the recent New Hampshire Dem Debate Donald J Trump must be smacking his bloated cheeseburger lips at the prospects of ripping any of these guys to shreds.

Bernie, Putin’s candidate, rewound & shouted out his greatest hits. Arms flapping like an ostrich trying to launch, Socialist Bernie, eyes bulging, shoulders bent hovered over his dais like a cranky old vulture dewlap dipping into old-school socialist roadkill.

Pete the Mayor. Sounds just as awkward as Pete the President. Smartest guy in the room. But also the gayest. And that, folks is the crux of the issue. Mayor Pete, may not have the experience but certainly has the chops, thoughtful intelligence and temperate judgement. Who cares if you’re gay? Ah, unfortunately enough to elect Trump in a landslide.

Pocahontas, (damn you Trump!) face pinched in angry outrage, fisted the air to punctuate her points, nearly punching herself in her haughty East Coast stuck-up nose. Get rid of the granny glasses, Medicare-For-All, free college tuition and re-invent yourself and your campaign before it’s (already) too late.

Joe, yes that Sleepy Joe…(Trump’s nicknames are often “perfect.” )…his skeletal skull hosted two vacant tiny botoxed stretched eyes while his mouth mumbled marbles around loose teeth struggling to remain glued. Joe’s brain, in 5-sec delay mode, searched in vain to coherently relay his thoughts. Say it ain’t so, Joe.

Fargo Amy K., ya, sure, u betcha ..exaggerating a smile that behind the lips seems to seethe with either breaths of disdain or sheer insecurity. (Such a great boss to work for, they say.) The pundits declared her the debate winner a result of her few well-lobbed smile-wrapped rehearsed lines. Amy “SmileyFace” says she’s the moderate we need.

Tech Rich Guy Andy Yang, (say that real fast three times) open shirted and not “tied” down to traditional democrat liberal solutions. The robots are coming for your jobs he Ludditely says. His solution to everything is to just give everyone a free $1,000 bucks a month. This will solve all social ills, reduce inequality and racism, reduce infant mortality, stop Russian manipulation of our elections, cure plaque psoriasis, toenails fungus and bring our nation together as a mutual-respecting harmonious nation. Hey, let’s try it. But with someone else as President.

“Need to Impeach” Tom Steyer, the hedge fund Rich Guy seemed to be the only candidate focused on the need for unity and the need to defeat Twrumpf. He makes a good coach, reminding everyone what is most important. Coach of the Year. Not President.

Skipping the debate, Lil’ Mike Bloomberg is spending one $billion of his accumulated $60 Billion to win the Dem nomination. The good: he’s focusing not on attacking other Dem candidates but instead solely on attacking Twrumpf himself. Plus he says even if he fails in his quest for the nomination he’ll continue to spend big bucks on defeating The Twrumpfer. Bad news: those Dem candidates are condemning Mike declaring that the Presidency cannot be bought. Well, this time if buying it rids us of Twrumpf then I say buy the damn thing.

Time for a White Knight (not racial!) to ride in and pull the sword from the set-in-stone crop of current weak candidates. Who? Sherrod Brown, the rough and gruff Senator from Ohio. He’s a no-nonsense moderate, anti-free trader, proponent of strong unions. This guy is the complete package..if the DNC could call on Central Casting for a perfect candidate across the stage walks Sherrod Brown. As you leave, Mr. Trump, let the door hit you in the ass.

What’s a Hogan Gidley?

Well, a Hogan Gidley appears to be Twrumpy’s deputy press secretary. Today he attempted to lie away his boss calling his impending impeachment a “lynching” by liesplaining all the great things Twrump has done for the African American community. But, with a name like Hogan Gidley and its 1,700 anagrams, what do you expect? Here are a few good ones:

Gay Ding Hole

Ah Doge Lying

Ah Edgy Lingo

Egad Lying Oh

Head Lying Go

God He A Lying.. and my favo:

I hangdog lye

“Sundowning Demagogue”

Most journalists have run out of or are often left conjuring too oft-used descriptions of Trump. There are seemingly few original ways left to describe this impotent creature from the white nationalist lagoon. (Hey, I think I just painted a new word-picture of this guy..or have I read this phrase before and scraped it oozing from the dark folds of my cerebral cortex?) Anyhoo, congratulations to New York Times columnist Michelle Goldberg. In her Sunday, August 16, 2019 column about Trump sending the world into total chaos and possibly annihilation, she referred to his “causal lies (not too original) and verbal incontinence.” Nice turn of phrase and depiction of his incessant pathological mendacity. (Trying too hard, am I ?) Goldberg follows this up with “sundowning demagogue whose oceanic ignorance is matched only by his gargantuan ego.” Her (not so) subtle reference to Trump’s old age (incontinence) and the possibility of early Dementia onset (sundowners), would normally be ascribed as “ageist.” But I’m willing to not only give her a pass but say that in this case, kudos for calling it what it is. Even hardened Trumpists know in their heart of hearts that there is something seriously wrong with this guy. Does he need medical attention and maybe treatment for Dementia? We’ve been focused on describing Trump in term of his amorality, immortality, misogyny, xenophobia, all the pathologies of a sociopath: compulsive lying, lack of empathy, antisocial behaviors, e.g. insulting people and projecting his own weaknesses and imperfections on others. Should we now focus our fear on the real possibility that this old man is deranged and demented? I say yes. And thanks, Michelle Goldberg.

Don’t Control Guns – Ban Guns

Pass the “No Guns Left Behind in Hands of Civilians Act”.

After every major mass gun slaughter I suggest The U. S. enact this law.

Enough is enough! 

Here’s what we need: 

Don’t control guns, ban them.

Presidential/Executive “Re-interpretation” of the Second Amendment concomitant with enactment by Congress or Presidential Fiat of the “No Guns Left Behind in Hands of Civilians Act” also to be known as the “No Right to Own Guns Act.” (more likely in next Administration)

The new law bans the manufacture, import and sale of firearms and ammunition for non-military actions in the U. S. and its territories.

Phase One: A Federal ban on the civilian purchase of any firearm. This means hand guns, assault rifles, shotguns, hunting rifles, target/sport firearms. Also BB guns and similar varmint-hunting guns such as pellet guns. Also banned are potato “spud” guns, rubber band guns and all NERF-type projectile-emitting gun facsimiles. The law also bans all toy guns including any type of liquid-squirting “water” guns. (BB/pellet and NERF-type guns and toy guns are “gateway weapons” that lead to future desire/addiction to possess and use bullet-based firearms). Violation of the “No Gun Left Behind Act” is a zero tolerance, “one strike you are out” violation resulting in a minimum income-based fine of $20,000 and up. Inability or refusal  to pay the fine shall result in a minimum one year sentence to a Firearm Practice Farm for Federal Agents as a live target decoy. (Sentence commuted after one year if prisoner survives)

Phase Two: The President shall order all citizens to turn in to Federal Authorities any and all firearms & ammunition they own or possess. Firearm owners complying will be compensated for the price that they paid for the firearm(s) plus a cash bonus and lifetime membership in the National No Rifle Association. Refusal to comply will result in fines and/or Decoy Duty on a Federal Firearms Farm.

Phase Three: The National Guard, branches of the U.S. military forces, Federal policing agents including the FBI, will conduct house-to-house inspections nationally for the purpose of confiscation of firearms. Non-compliance will result in Federal Firearm Farm Decoy Duty. 

Phase Four: Local police will be required to “Stop & Frisk” suspected gun carriers at any time or place. Citizens will also be rewarded with cash bonuses for alerting police or Federal authorities to anyone who they suspect possessing a firearm. Any U. S. resident who has previously obtained or applied for a firearms permit will be entered into the National Red Flag GunUsingNuttyNabobsUsuallyTwitching (GUN NUT) database as potential mass shooters.

Hunters and firearm sport enthusiasts will be able to rent approved firearms from the federal government for limited use. Firearm renters, like auto renters, shall have proper insurance.  

Traditional firearm-based hunters who choose not to rent firearms but still want to hunt will be provided with federal training in bow & arrow, knife and “persistence hunting” (stalking and chasing game on foot until animal is caught). 

Black market distribution of firearms will be controlled by U. S. Revenueurs, a special elite strike force of Federal and civilian under-cover GUN SWATTERS. SWAT Funding for national firearm prohibition will be diverted from now defunct state, local and Federal drug enforcement since Congress will have passed the “Freedom to Purchase & Use Any Drug Act” which gives Americans the right to legally purchase and use any drug.

This should be considered only the first steps in freeing our country of the curse of firearms. Once these actions are enacted then maybe America will take serious action to ban guns. 

Throw this Veggie Out Now

I beg Every American to throw out this vegetable! Now!

You heard me! Right now. This vegetable deserves no place in America’s kitchens, dining rooms, breakfast and eating nooks of any kind. Especially in restaurants. Don’t order it. If served to you Do Not Eat It. Throw it out. Your gut will thank you. So will your stomach, your chest, your arms, legs,feet,toes,neck and head. You’ll hear your body parts screaming, “Thank you!” Are you ready to have your precious body parts scream “Thank You!”? Act now and you won’t have to watch my 60 minute video showing and telling you over and over again in repetitious testimonials and warnings how to avoid this dreaded vegetable. Your body parts will not only thank you but will thank me, too. How do I stay away from this cursed vegetable? It’s easy. No watching my tedious video. Just send $5.00 US Dollars to me and I’ll reveal this secret vegetable that your avoidance of will bring innumerable benefits too many to discuss here.

False Claims? Lies!

Recently from the CNN news site: “President Donald Trump uttered a rapid series of false claims, at least 13 in all, during his Cabinet meeting on Tuesday. He made another claim for which there is no public evidence, and he offered positive words about an ally’s accusation for which there is no public evidence.” What’s this “false claims” stuff? Why is the media swaddling Trump’s lies in down-comfy platitudes like “false claims.”?

10,000 + This from the Columbia Journalism Review: Since the inauguration, a team of journalists at The Washington Post has kept a tally of every “false or misleading claim” the president has made. (CNN recently dubbed its leader, Glenn Kessler, “one of the busiest men in America.”) Yesterday, the Post confirmed that Trump has roared past the 10,000 mark: as of Saturday, he’d made 10,111 bogus claims in 828 days in office. That works out to roughly 12 per day, 85 per week, or 370 per month. Trump has fibbed at rallies (2,217 times), on Twitter (1,803 times), and in speeches (999 times), among other settings. About one-fifth of Trump’s false or misleading statements have concerned immigration; he’s said his border wall is being built—his most-repeated junk claim—160 times.

False Claims vs Lie. The word “fudge” pops up (out) under VERBS. What’s next? Will the media start calling his lies “fables” or “tales?” We’re just a cold marble slab away from naming Trump’s lies as “fudge.”

Here are some synonyms for lie/false claim. Most of Trump’s “best words” can validly be called:

deceitdeceptiondishonestydisinformationdistortionevasionfabricationfalsehoodfictionforgeryinaccuracymisrepresentationperjuryslandertaleaspersionbackbitingcalumniationcalumnydefamationdetractionfablefalsenessfalsificationfalsityfibfraudulenceguilehyperboleinventionlibelmendacitymisstatementobloquyprevaricationrevilementrevilingsubterfugevilificationwhoppertall storywhite lieVerb: telluntruthdeceivemisleadmisrepresentpromoteBSbeguilebullconconcoctdeludedissembledissimulatedistortdupeequivocateexaggeratefabricatefakefalsifyfibforswearframefudgeinventmalignmisguidemisinformmisspeakmisstateoverdrawpalterperjurepervert
phonyplantprevaricatesnowsoft-soapvictimizebeuntruthfulbear false witnessbreak promisego-back-on make believemisinstruct put on put up a frontstring along.

String Along. Yup, essential Trump.

False claim? No. Just call him what he is: a serial liar. Emphasis on liar

What the….?

We U.S.ers are mostly conversant in common sports terms such as “through the uprights,” (even “double doink” thanks to Chicago Bears 2018 kicker Cody Parkey); a “double play,” “three-pointer,” even “strike” for baseball and bowling. So what sport is being described by this writer?

A wide was followed by a mighty six.

He gathered it and dived for the stumps.

He delivered a couple of eye-catching boundaries.

The ball pitched in line but was deemed to be hitting the outside of the leg stump.

His first delivery was just about perfect and it prompted a huge appeal for lbw.

Of course this is from a description of England’s recent victory over New Zealand in the World Cup Cricket Final. Were you “stumped?”



The past year left me devoid of content. Given the current fragile state of our nation, our threatened democracy, our challenged decency as the American people, I wallowed in near despair, trump-holed in retreat, a mere neck-stretching gaper of the multiple pileup wreck-of-the-day crash of America. Gape, say holy shit, move on and hope that somehow things will change. As Trump is fond of tweeting: sad. So my “sabbatical” year is over. It’s time to stop gaping and vaping and start rapping and mapping a way out of this my-ass morass devoid. And maybe have fun again?



Come on in
Your friends are here
The others somewhere over there
In separate rooms
Hear them talking
In rancorous auto-tuned
News-show voices
Some are standing,
Defending why they made their choices.

Let me introduce you
To our small salon
This is Pooty and his Blowfish Don
They’ve been colluding forever on
He think he rich says shirtless Pooty
But he my poor little bitch and me his bruty.
He do what I say
Like peel me grape
Or maybe I drop
His pee pee tape.

Let’s get a drink
Have you met
Brett the boofus doofus Knowitall
When it comes to keggin’
He’s the supreme law
And with the girls he can have it all.
So draw us a red cup
Of your favorite cheers
Tits and clits I like beer?
Lest we judge
Please be more doctrinal
Like No means yes
and Yes means anal?

Let’s go in here
The room is oval
With a cabinet full of outlaw mofas.
There’s Kellyanne and Kanye
On the sofa
Giving each other an interracial
Snail slime
Foreskin facials.
And Goopy Gwyneth
Gulping water raw
Thru a stainless steel
3-D printed straw.

Down the stairs in the video room
Bezos plays retro Doom
On a screen that’s split into Sim Cities
Creating a new
Ordering Class
By producing a new Delivery Caste
With ease he teases
Then he squeezes
Supplicant applicant Mayors
On spended knees
Offering their keys
To maximize their subsidies.

Let’s don’t explain just break it down
Deep dive unpack it
Drop it please do not release it,
In the media room
The Music has ceased.
Sara Fucka-factaby’s ranting
Slandering truth in dissonant banter
Splendid “no-comment” candor.

Hey let’s karaoke…
Sing the writing on the Wall
Like a Hairy Harvey MeToo grope
A chorus loudly shouting nope
All together now
We won’t sound shrill
In the ancient city of Margaritaville.

“Nibbling on white bread,
watching what Trump said,
Gonna build a big beautiful wall…
With just his small hands,
Our land is his land,
Just Christians inside
It’ll be the new law.

Wasting away again in Trumpathumpaville,
Lookin’ for my lost Forsaken soul;
Some people say political correctness is to blame,
But I know, it’s Obama’s fault all the same.

Voted in the election, made the wrong selection
All I’ve got is this big red Trump hat
But it couldn’t be finer
Made by a child in China
A perfect fit for the Pizza Rat.

Wastin’ away again in Trumpaputinville
Where he made America Hate again
Some people blame it on Bernie’s cult
But I know….it’s all Hillary’s fault.

The election’s over, we’ll never get sober
From drinking all that xenophobic cheer..
But there’s more where that came from,
More hate and lots more fear
That poison concoction that’s stronger than rum.

Wastin’ away again in Trumpatreasonville
Looking for the next racist insult
Some people say there’s a woman to blame
But I know.. It’s our own damn fault.”

Whoa, look who’s standing
Didn’t think he’d show
Holy Francis
Infallibly commanding
In pure white he dances With Vatican ecclesiastical
Orgiastic red head redemption
While gymnastic Handmaidens tell
All and nail
The perfect landing.

In this room the lawyers come and go
Speaking of what Michael Cohen knows.

Hanging out by the old Back door
Welcome worn
Not needed anymore.
There’s old Sears, née Roebuck
Once an amazon now out of luck.
Voter rights a party Casualty
Come back soon
Net Neutrality.

Romaine a trusted
Old green guest
Who mixed with the best
Eggs, anchovies and Parmesan
But now you’ve caused a Pharma run.
Betrayed so brutally
Like Caesar
In his salad days
His fate to die
Stabbed in the gut
The unkindest cut
etu e-coli?

Upstairs is the playroom
The drama unfolds
Hi Stormy hi Karen and your 23&MeToo sisters
No longer alone
Your history like clones
That didn’t need CRISPR.
Let’s hear you sing your song of scorn
“Stormy” now sung to the old tune of “Sunny” reborn.

Stormy, yesterday my life was filled with me
Stormy, you spanked me but I just wanted to watch you pee
My golden throne is now a cheap one- holer
My Stormy please don’t talk to Robert Mueller
Stormy, once taboo, please don’t sue.

Stormy, thank you for your naughty little spanka
Stormy, you remind me so much of my Ivanka.

Stormy, thank you for my starring role in your movie reel,
Stormy, please don’t talk
Let’s make a deal.
$130,000 for you to say hush
The election was in a week
I was kinda in a rush,
Stormy, one so plush
Please don’t blush.

My life sucked with a new-Born baby Baron
I was so bored with that Playmate Karen
Stormy one so blue, please don’t sue. Stormy rated X,
It was just FAKE SEX.

Down in the basement
Under the flooring
Deplorables are Gathered
Party mood Is Soaring.
Visions of parades With tanks and guns
Better and bigger than Kim Jong Un’s.
The Fatherland’s ready
To throw in the towel
Protect your White Walker Women
From the brown caravan
From Guatemala to the Yucatán
The threat is larger than the Giant Cow.

It’s getting late
This party’s sagging
Something missing
Something lacking
From the weight
Of Rooskies Hacking
They set the bait
And now we’re gagging.

Now outside
The wagon waits
Collecting guests who
Didn’t rage
At border kids in a cage.
We sought the sheriff
But have not caught
The Tariffman
As the one
With the “smocking” gun.

The party’s finished
But the fun continues
Dining, dancing, undiminished
While on the menus
Bloodbaths boil
In churches, schools
We all recoil
Scratch our heads
Thoughts and prayers
For the dead
Police protect us from attack
Unless you’re shot for
Being black.

Outside the gates
Hope dictates
That hate abates
Mass shootings
Scheduled so routine
Emotional Support AR15s
Top The Best Seller List
For American white male terrorists.

So..Bye bye….
Ms American Dream

A long long two years ago
I can still remember how America used to make me smile
And I knew that we had a choice
Between a woman’s and the Devil’s voice
And maybe life would be normal for a while.

But that November made me shiver
Across the map a snake did slither
Fake news gave us PutinTrump
On Democracy they took a real dump.

And later when our nation cried
The children caged he just denied.
Something touched us deep inside
The day America died.
Bye, bye
Miss American Dream
Rode an Uber in a stupor to the nearest latrine
And good old ICE boys laughin’ at kids who cried
Braggin’this was the day America died
This was sure the day that it died..

© 2018 LRudmann

America Takes a Knee

America’s Great Divider-in-Chief DJ Trump’s recent rants against Black athletes, calling them SOBs for their First Amendment freedom of expression rights, has caused the nation to nearly deplete its strategic stockpile of kneepads. With Americans from every walk of life “ taking a knee” in solidarity with the athletes, supplies of garden, construction and brothel knee pads are sold-out throughout the supply chain in stores like Ace, Walmart, Home Depot, Family Dollar, Dick’s Sporting Goods and Victoria’s Secret.

Demand is so strong that the Pentagon recently opened its national strategic stockpile of kneepads stored in underground steel and concrete bunkers near Wounded Knee, South Dakota.

An un-named Pentagon official said the demand was so great that the stockpile is virtually depleted. “We are knee-deep in back orders to our Chinese suppliers,” the official said.

Mr. Trump’s obsession with NFL players “taking a knee” during the flag presentations has also created such a national knee-bend crisis that the Neighborhood Association of Orthopedic surgeons has issued a national moratorium on knee replacements. One local knee surgeon, Dr. Art Patella, is reportedly issuing American flags as temporary knee wraps for patients awaiting replacements.

It is also reported that even Catholic church congregations are demanding the return of kneeling benches in the pews. According to local pastor Father Peter Rast, the old kneeling benches remain stored in the St. Concupiscent sanctuary basement. “They’re pretty worn,” said Father Rast, “but when our flock wants to kneel the Church will certainly accommodate.”

Apple To Drop Face Scanning in Next iPhone XI…Rectal Scanning the Next Big Thing.

According to recently revealed secret documents and pre-patent submissions Apple is planning to ditch its newly announced Face Scanning recognition system announced in its newest IPhone X.

Engineering documents show that the next iteration of Apple’s iPhone will implement 3-D Rectal Scanning biometric sensors in all new devices.

An anonymous source at Apple describes rectal scans as the ultimate in personal biometric security. “This new technology takes personal security to a deeper level than finger or face scanning,” according to the source. “It’s well known that no two assholes look alike.”

The new recognition system, tentatively called, “iBendova” will open an iPhone securely using one of two methods. A simple and quick single-finger gesture wave of the phone’s rear camera in front of a pre-registered anus opens the the phone to full functionality. The user can opt for an alternative method called ProctiScan by wearing a special inserted wireless Apple “AirProbe” into rectum initiating a new proprietary protocol called “Brown Tooth” to wirelessly open the iPhone.

An unnamed engineering source said the new recognition system is expected to gain “widespread” acceptance although there are a few significant “buts” to overcome including a projected shortage of flushable 3-D infra-red sensors as well as some minor privacy concerns.

Hey NFL, Maybe Stop Playing the National Anthem? Ok?

Why do American sport franchises, football to baseball, insist on playing the national anthem before games? How did this tradition get started? Wartime tradition. The anthem is a war song, a “battle” like sports? What’s the purpose of a pregame ceremony? To tease the sweaty throngs who witness athletic feats and hoped-for mayhem. To whet their appetite with a little taste of blood, guts and glory. It’s a football game. Like the motto of the Secondary School in Sierra Leone where I once taught: “Play The Game.” Just play the damn game. And what does the American flag have to do with any sport? Why should players and fans be asked to declare their respect, allegiance or love of country by placing hand over heart and singing a national anthem? Because it’s a nice thing to do, some say. Because it allows people to express their communal national fidelity say others. But why at a sporting event and not at a performance of a Verdi opera, a movie or rock concert. What is so inherent in sports to demand a mass display of nationalistic patriotism?

Last year NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick kneeled rather than stood during his team’s presentation of the national anthem. He said he was protesting racism and police brutality in America. Now, the talented quarterback, who opted out of his contract with the San Francisco 49ers this year, is being blacklisted by other NFL teams as punishment. No team will hire him because he exercised his 1st Amendment right to express his opinion. What if a player wasn’t protesting anything or trying to make some sort of statement by not standing during the singing of the Anthem? What if a player is just too lazy to stand or simply chooses to kneel, crouch or sit rather that stand? Will he be blacklisted for his act of not standing? Is it the act of protest or the act of refusing to stand that gets the player in trouble?

How many TV viewers even watch, let alone stand in front of their TVs, hand over heart, while some NFL-approved singer belts out their unique version of the Star Spangled Banner before a game. Confess. If you walk out of the room to grab a beer or mute the sound or remain sitting in your laz-a-boy when the singing begins before the game then are you just as “unpatriotic” as Kaepernick? Or maybe you are protesting racism? Or is there an unwritten rule that says you only have to stand when physically in the stadium or stands? And why are the seats located in the “stands” anyway?

Recently other NFL players have demonstrated support of Kaepernick by refusing to stand for the anthem before preseason games. If support from more players, the majority of whom are Black, continues, the NFL might have a problem on its hands. Solution: dispense with the pregame display of patriotism, flag waving and singing the national anthem. And no military jets flying over the stadiums. Why conflate a nation’s military prowess with a sporting event?

Or we could go full-flag nationalistic.

The Philippines recently proposed a law requiring citizens to sing along enthusiastically whenever the national anthem is played in public. “The singing shall be mandatory and must be done with fervour,” the Bill states. The law would also mandate the tempo of any public performance of the anthem – it must fall between 100 and 120 beats per minute. If the Bill, which will be considered by the Senate, is approved and signed into law, a failure to sing the anthem with sufficient energy would be punishable by up to a year in prison and a considerable monetary fine. A second offence would include both a fine and prison time, and violators would be penalised by “public censure” in a newspaper.

The Supreme Court in India ruled last November that movie theatres would be required to play the national anthem before screenings, and that moviegoers would be required to stand.

But back to the good old U.S.of A. If sport fans insist on some type of pregame ceremony, song or performance, then how about a mini-scene from a Shakespeare play, a dramatic reading from Homer’s The Odyssey, an aria from “Rigoletto or a preview of a movie or simply a Queen standard such as “We Are the Champions,” or “Bohemian Rhapsody” (my vote); or an act by a gaggle of juggling street mimes or sword swallowers. Ringling Brothers circus recently closed shop so there must be a surplus of good acts or clowns willing to perform.

But if more NFL players choose to support Kaepernick then maybe NFL stadiums will have to install kneeling benches, like in some churches. Football is almost a religion in America anyway. Just saying.

New Defections from Trump’s White Supremacy Presidential Advisory Board

Self styled racist and KKK Grand Poobah David Duke today announced that he is resigning from President Trump's White Supremacy Presidential Advisory Board. This follows a week-long cascade of resignations from various White House Presidential Advisory Boards, including arts, infrastructure, business, technology, penis sexting and women's grab-bagging.

Duke, a stalwart supporter and defender of the president, reportedly said that recent revisions to the White Supremacy Board's mission and agenda "are way too racist and supreme, even for me. "I mean, I know I'm white and supreme but this Advisory Board goes over board." he said. Duke said recent Board discussions by the Racial Purity subcommittee would mandate strict DNA analysis and verification of white heritage. "Look," he said, you just never know what you'll find heritage-wise when you start looking for it. If you look white, then as far as I'm concerned you're good enough white for me." Other White Supremacy Board members, including Ollie Snopestuff, CEO of Chain Saw Chewers Unit 14 of Sheatolh, Alabama and the United Assembly of Southern Torch Marchers, Randal Hawgswalla III, said they were also thinking about leaving the Advisory Board. "Ah got ma on probins wit all thees thangs," said Hawgswalla. "I mean looka Trump hissef…kinda urnge color if you axe me. Where's his white? Jus round his baggy eyeballs fur as I can see. Ah jus dunno."

Repeal & Replace – Yourself, Mr. Trump

Could our long national nightmare be coming to an end? After only 7 plus months, time that now seems an eternity, is the strange malignant man in the White House about to repeal and replace himself? He never really wanted the job in the first place seeking it only out of spite and revenge on President Obama.

Such a strange man. Whoever thought a defender of the Confederacy would rise from the canyons of Manhattan, a slick city-slicker who never worked up an honest day's sweat in his life and inherited his daddy's riches and racism. Who ever thought that an admitted sexual predator, the infamous grabber, a guy who lusted over his own daughter, the guy who once salivated over a ten year old girl on an escalator and lasciviously smirked "I'll be dating her in a few years," could be elected President of the U.S. Whoever thought we would have as President a defender of the traitorous secessionists who turned citizens against each other over the right to own slaves and who now wants to preserve memorials to their traitorous leaders.

Yet it happened. Despite losing the popular vote by about 3 million votes, real estate and morally bankrupt mogul Trump ascended to the nation's highest office on a technicality that is antithetical to the core one-person-one-vote code of democracy.

This strange man, who occupies a revered house ("it's a real dump," he recently said) where Americans allow their Presidents to live in order to preside over their democracy and the moral order of American culture and life. It's called the White House, built by slaves forced to labor for its design and purpose. A house painted a symbolic all-inclusive "equality white" (white is all of the colours of the light spectrum, added together) as a symbol of aspiration and dreams, not a house painted an exclusive "supreme" white.

This strange fellow, our President, said that many of the marching tiki-torch-carrying mob in Charlottesville, VA were "fine people." This strange man says things like this not just because he believes it, but because he must believe it in order to satisfy his insatiable appetite for never admitting he's wrong. This is a guy who'll double down on a meaningless argument over the size of his….inaugural crowd.

We have already gone from democracy to kleptocracy. If Trump repeals and replaces himself then we will have a Pence theocracy. Praise the lord, and pass the chastity belts.

Elite Transgender US Navy Units on Standby

President Twrump today announced that units of the US Navy's Very Special Transgender Extreme Elite CAITLYN (Combat Active Imperial Troops Leading Your Nation) Troops are on standby for possible action in North Korea, Venezuela, Las Vegas or any place that the US could possibly attack in order to boost his poll ratings.

Authorized under a top secret Navy program, CAITLYN Teams specialize in undercover subterfuge, shock and awe and mock coleslaw.

"By activating CAITLYN I send the strongest statement possible that the US stands ready to transfer a fusillade flurry of furious fire to our enemies," Twump said.

The Navy's Transgender CAITLYN Combat Teams are used only in very special circumstances that require the utmost physical and psychological warfare tactics. Navy CAITLYN Teams were created under a secret order, until recently leaked by President Twump. "I wanted the most beautiful and amazing military offensive force ever created in the history of the world, he announced. "These battle-tested warriors are the best…the best. Our Navy SEAL Teams are good, but CAITLYNS are amazing, probably an 8 or 9 out of ten, I'd say. Besides, CAITLYN can beat Seal any day, right? Yuge, beautiful and deadly, these CAITLYN Teams are the best..the best. The best," he said.

Elite CAITLYN Teams don special chameleon camo called Wombat Combat fatigues, named in honor of the elusive and ferocious Wombat, whose daring do's and exploits are chronicled in Will Cuppy's "How to Attract the Wombat (1935, Curtis Publishing). Spoiler alert: you don't.

De-Nuking Trump

Trump says he wants to"de-nuke" the world…by destroying it with nukes.

It's the ultimate de-nuclearization plan. Dang, does this guy know how to make a deal, or what!! Talk and tweet blusters and carry a 1,000 nukes.

This is what happens when we elect a Small hands-on the Big Button guy.

This is what happens when the world's most respected democracy overnight finds itself under the leadership of a thieving narcissistic vain prevaricating sexual predator unpopularly elected by a deficit of 3 million votes.

This is where we are today. One-upping our enemies, picking fights with pitiful third world nations.

This is what happens when our unpopular-elected leader sinks to 30 percent in national approval polls. America loves a "war president." War: the last refuge of an unpopular president.

This is how the world ends. Not with a whimper, but with a meaningless trump.

Don Trump Dum & Kim Jong Un

The father learns from the son. It appears that our Maximum Blessed Leader Don Trump Dum has been taking lessons in public threats. Although analysis of his public speaking and twittering (not reading speeches) reveals that our Dear Leader has an amazing vocabulary of almost 410 words, The Matchless Dealmaker has been brushing up on his Third World Dictator Rhetoric. Channeling his fatty young mentor, Kim Jong Un, who reliably issues his doomsday warnings in over-the-top rhetorical flourishes, our Old Fatty Leader told the world that he would send Young Kim "fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen."

Young Fat Kim recently told Old Fat Don: "If we push the buttons to annihilate the enemies even right now, all bases of provocations will be reduced to seas in flames and ashes in a moment and the U.S. imperialists’ nuclear strategic means on which the puppet forces depend as ‘saviors’ turn into piles of scrap iron whether they are in the air, seas and land … The army and people of the DPRK will make the gunfire of provocateurs in the reckless war of aggression sound as a sad dirge.”

Ok. This proves sadly that the U.S. is lagging behind North Korea in the Strategic Upyours Florid Rhetorical Syntax (SUFRS) arms (and lip) race. If "fire and fury" is the best we can do, then gods help us – the battle is already lost. Are our SUFRS reserves nearly depleted? We obviously need to restock, rebuild and restore our strategic reserves. May I suggest the following syntactical rhetorical flamboyant constructions guaranteed to boost Don Trump Dum's threat cred and send sonny boy Kim scurrying for cover in his personal bomb shelter under his secret golf course. Take this, Supreme Dear Leader:

"No pity for your corpulent Dear Leader and his weakling generals and soft doughy armies of the DRNK as your flesh-burns in atomic reaction to our mighty scourge from the skies."

And this:

"You and your commie cohorts should start beseeching your Satan idols to save you from America's Christian No-Mercy Vengeful Wrath. When we unleash our all-powerful Lord of the Skies Justice hell's fire will feel like unguents of balm compared to the suffering succotashes about to sprout up your sorry pinko butts."

Or this:

"Bow down ye north of the 38th parallel heathens before our murderous honored and respected armies of Love and Freedom which promise to squash your hopes, dreams and faces into the bloody mud of your soon to be defeated homeland. No mercy on your charred and twisted corpses as Jesus beats Juche every time."

We must not spare the ROD, Rhetoric of Doom, that we could rain down upon Lil' Kim (the fatty…not not washed-up rapper). "Fire and Fury?" Nah. Sounds like pair of cute kittens.

Donald’s Smart Lil’ Cookie

Will Kim Jong Un, the world’s youngest dictator be the salvation of Donald J Trump, one of the world’s oldest dictator’s-in-training? As Trump’s troubles continue to hit the fan, splattering the face of American democracy, Lil’ Kim (not the has-been Black female rapper, cultural-appropriator extraordinaire) launches provocative missiles into the sea, issues dire warnings of incinerating the U.S. and wolfs down several Big Macs and Large Fries. (He secrets them in hidden Presidential Freezers away from his half-starving nation ready to be celebratorily gorged upon at a missile-launching’s notice… as Trump said “….he’s a smart cookie.”)  
As Trump nears the impeachment precipice, the North Korean missile launches skyrocket. Could this be Trump’s ace in the hole? North Korea sinks one of our ships floating around in the Korean Sea. Trump nukes Pyongyang. Trump is canonized by an American public eager to rally-around a War President. (Nothing brings Americans together more than a good old- fashioned war.) 
Special Investigator? Nyet. Senate and Congressional probes? Nyet. Now Trump is even deeper in debt to Putin, who encouraged young Jong Un to blast the American warship with his assurance that Russia would have his back and defend the Kim Dynasty against the American perps. Kim and his Presidential Hair Stylist are promised a special flight to Moscow before Trump attacks. Putin reneges, Kimmy is nuked. Trump is a hero. Trump backs out of NATO, goes to Moscow to receive Russian Medal of Honor. Putin delivers on Nikita Khrushchev’s 1960’s declaration that “we will bury you” (America). Where’s China? No more threat of American influence and power in their region. The U.S.has been reduced to a third-rate kleptocracy. China, in a gracious gesture, approves hundreds more Ivanka Trump product trademarks. Trump hotels rise throughout Russia. Oh, and Putin personally hands over the “golden shower video tape” to Trump with the assurance that there are no copies. Now there’s a Trump Deal. How do you say “sucker” in Russian? 

Memogate: What Comey’s Memo Omitted 

Poor Donald Trump. So misunderstood. So picked-on. Jeez, the poor fellow can’t do anything right according to the fake lame-stream media. Take this latest accusation that he tried to get then-FBI director James Comey to drop the investigation of ousted National Security chief Michael Flynn. Comey purportedly wrote himself a cover-ur-arse CYA memo quoting Trump. 
“I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go,” Mr. Trump supposedly told Mr. Comey, according to the memo. “He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go.”

Except Comey left out some key words. Here’s what Trump actually said: 

“I hope you can see your way clear to letting this (investigation) go (on), to letting Flynn go (remain fired),” “He is (not) a good guy. I hope you can.” 

See what a few key omissions does? It makes it sound as if Our Honorable President was trying to obstruct an investigation. Someone’s got to stand up for the truth. Whatever that means. 

Presidential Fidgetitis

They’re clicking, pushing, rolling and spinning their way into our homes, cars, offices and especially school classrooms. Originally designed and invented to supposedly give kids with autism and ADHD something to fidget and thus increase their focus on learning tasks, fidget toys are the hottest fad since Trump normalized the word “pussy.” Now everyone tries to find novel ways to insert the pussyword into everyday conversation. Thanks, Trump. 
But fidgets, especially the spinning variety, are even hotter. Who wants to” F-word” when you can “F(idget) word.”

But I’ve finally figured out the cause of this national fidget fphenomenon. Who has the attention span of a toddler? Who cannot complete a complete sentence and repeats every other word multiple times? Who frantically waves tiny gesticulating fingers to atone for his monumental inarticulateness? Who serially discharges flatulent boasts of greatness atop other hyperbolic emissions of self-aggrandizement? Who has the self-control and restraint of a hyper-hormonal teenager, the selfish inability to delay the slightest amount of gratification? Who issues bizarre tweets at 3 a.m. and watches more TV than a 70-something year-old white guy hooked on Fox News? (Spoiler alert?) Answer: our Fidgeter-in-Chief, the World’s Sorest-winner and Biggest-loser by 3 million votes in the 2016 Presidential Election. That’s who. That’s who. 
With the reputed Leader of the Free World exhibiting zero restraint and self control, it’s no wonder most Americans are in a heightened state of anxiety, not sure from hour to hour what’s going to gush forth from Trump’s sphincteral hemorrhoidal lips. Simply stated, we have a president with a severe case of fidgetitis. It’s time, like all other Americans, that Mr. Trump channel his inner fidgetiness and seek relief from his acute fidgetitis through the body and soul-calming effects of a fidget spinner. 
In fact, I’m donating my own a special fidget spinner to him, one I carefully crafted and balanced to spin the most tremendously of any fidget toy ever. It will spin so much Mr. Trump will get tired of spinning. I call it Trump’s Little Digit Fidget Winner Spinner. With proper use of this special, tremendously great fidget spinner, Mr. Trump will be able to control his impulsive need to express himself vaingloriously in 140 characters or less. Fidgeting with this spinner, Mr. Trump will care less about how he totally vanquished his opponent Hillary by getting 3 million fewer votes and care more about learning basic social skills that don’t require a mouthful of Tic-Tacs. He will be less inclined to denigrate women, immigrants, military veterans, and the physically handicapped and to develop, better late than never, a basic level of emotional intelligence. 
America is on edge, anxious and unfocused. Our obsession with Fidget spinners is an expression of the symptoms. But the cure is in the cause. Our fidgety Trumpety must spin. Fidget to focus. Spin old man, spin like the wind.