I’ve waited all my miserable life for this. When I was a kid, my Dad said I’d have a flying car in my garage on Mars. Never happened, Dad. (Thanks a lot, Obama!) 3-D TV? Sort of, but not really happening. Robot hoovers sucking up dust by dancing the roomba around the house? Boring. Self-cleaning ovens? Old school. Self-photo-taking? Yup, The Selfie fulfilled that dream. Self-driving cars? Oh, yeah! Almost there and just in time for aging Boomers who dread being on the pitiful end of “The Talk” when their kids explain that, no, Mom, you didn’t misplace your car keys..we’ve taken them and are prying your almost dead cold hands from around the steering wheel. Autonomous cars will allow Boomers to rule the road until the day they never die.
But when Nike recently announced its new Self-tying shoe I knew the future had finally arrived. It’s called “adaptive lacing.” Press buttons on the side of the shoe and the laces automatically tighten or loosen to match your comfort level or mood: uptight, nervous, or afraid? Just press the tighten button. Feeling groovy, marinatingly mellow or banging? Just press the loose button. No muss no fuss. Only down side is you gotta bend down to press the mofcukin’ buttons! Com’on Nike, where’s the remote? Or app that’ll let me tight&loose by tapping on my Fitbit or Apple Watch. See, the Damn Future is always just around the Damn Corner.
So here I am, in the present here and now, mindful of the moment, which is very popular these days. But still waiting for, as Apple used to say, “The Next Big Thing” …until Trump settled that argument. So I guess until I get my Self-Zippering pants, I’m just a lonely guy on the Avenue of Ass-kicking Dreams with his fly stuck open…or shut. (Hmmmm…autonomous socks that roll up automatically?)