Romney’s Heartbreak of Hemorrhoids

M-Rom will share with the American public Thursday night his lifelong struggle to overcome hemorrhoids and toenail fungus. Romney will detail the personal agony he endures even to this day in his battle with incessant rectal burning and itching and the heartaches and turmoil his afflictions have wrecked upon his wife Ann and multiple sons. A leaked draft excerpt of his nominating acceptance speech highlights how M-Rom will connect his intimate personal tribulations with the daily struggles of the over-taxed and underworked American middle class. “America’s tax burdens and dependence on useless government expenditures such as air traffic control, highway maintenance, Social Security, Medicare, food safety, emergency disaster relief, farm subsidies… are as irritating as the fungus growing under my right big toenail,” Romney is expected to say. “You think Bill Clinton felt your pain? Well allow me to disabuse America of that… I feel real pain.. from my butt down to my big toe.” 

Advisors expect M-Rom’s speech to help re-introduce him to the American people and convey 

that even though Gov. Romney is a privileged multi-millionaire who has accumulated vast wealth by avoiding paying taxes and owns a fancy tax-exempt horse that prances & dances in the Olympics, he is also a man with common-man ailments of itching & burning.