Presidential Fidgetitis

They’re clicking, pushing, rolling and spinning their way into our homes, cars, offices and especially school classrooms. Originally designed and invented to supposedly give kids with autism and ADHD something to fidget and thus increase their focus on learning tasks, fidget toys are the hottest fad since Trump normalized the word “pussy.” Now everyone tries to find novel ways to insert the pussyword into everyday conversation. Thanks, Trump. 
But fidgets, especially the spinning variety, are even hotter. Who wants to” F-word” when you can “F(idget) word.”

But I’ve finally figured out the cause of this national fidget fphenomenon. Who has the attention span of a toddler? Who cannot complete a complete sentence and repeats every other word multiple times? Who frantically waves tiny gesticulating fingers to atone for his monumental inarticulateness? Who serially discharges flatulent boasts of greatness atop other hyperbolic emissions of self-aggrandizement? Who has the self-control and restraint of a hyper-hormonal teenager, the selfish inability to delay the slightest amount of gratification? Who issues bizarre tweets at 3 a.m. and watches more TV than a 70-something year-old white guy hooked on Fox News? (Spoiler alert?) Answer: our Fidgeter-in-Chief, the World’s Sorest-winner and Biggest-loser by 3 million votes in the 2016 Presidential Election. That’s who. That’s who. 
With the reputed Leader of the Free World exhibiting zero restraint and self control, it’s no wonder most Americans are in a heightened state of anxiety, not sure from hour to hour what’s going to gush forth from Trump’s sphincteral hemorrhoidal lips. Simply stated, we have a president with a severe case of fidgetitis. It’s time, like all other Americans, that Mr. Trump channel his inner fidgetiness and seek relief from his acute fidgetitis through the body and soul-calming effects of a fidget spinner. 
In fact, I’m donating my own a special fidget spinner to him, one I carefully crafted and balanced to spin the most tremendously of any fidget toy ever. It will spin so much Mr. Trump will get tired of spinning. I call it Trump’s Little Digit Fidget Winner Spinner. With proper use of this special, tremendously great fidget spinner, Mr. Trump will be able to control his impulsive need to express himself vaingloriously in 140 characters or less. Fidgeting with this spinner, Mr. Trump will care less about how he totally vanquished his opponent Hillary by getting 3 million fewer votes and care more about learning basic social skills that don’t require a mouthful of Tic-Tacs. He will be less inclined to denigrate women, immigrants, military veterans, and the physically handicapped and to develop, better late than never, a basic level of emotional intelligence. 
America is on edge, anxious and unfocused. Our obsession with Fidget spinners is an expression of the symptoms. But the cure is in the cause. Our fidgety Trumpety must spin. Fidget to focus. Spin old man, spin like the wind. 

Author: Lawrence Rudmann

Multi-genre comedic political poet and trender/periscoper of what's around the corner. Avid tennis player and ukulele strummer. Comedic poetry stimulator and healer.

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