On Day One….first day in office..

On Day One….first day in office.. 

What WILL they do…..

A common meme among Presidential  aspirants is to announce to prospective supporters the number one thing he or she will do on DAY ONE, immediately following the last utterance of the last syllable of the oath of office.  “….so help me goddd….and now I now proclaim that all children over the age of 5 be indentured to serve out their childhood fulfilling Prime Now orders in Amazon warehouses across this great nation… Oh, and yeah, I just killed Obamacare.”

Telling voters what you will do on Day One if elected to sleep in the White House is an act of extreme pandering that has become almost a campaign obligation like appearing in rolled-up shirtsleeves standing on a bale of hay in mega church singing gawd bless America. So to supplement the already Day One promises I suggest the following for the current crop of clown candidates. 

Donald “The Rumpus” Trumpus: his first day is already full with building that 1,954 mile-long wall between the U.S. and Mexico. But what Trump and his supporters (Trumportors) are really looking forward to on Day One will be the issuance of his one-to-ten rankings list of supermodels. His recent preview ranking of Heidi Klum as less than a “10” …. was just what the nation needed during our summer of discontent. 

Scott “Recall” Walker: On Scott’s big Day One he will issue himself a college degree. Honorary of course, but better than nothing. 

Ted (Count Chocula) Cruz: Day One will also be the Last Day as he will announce the official shutting down of the U. S. Government. 

Rand “Curly” Paul: That curly mop will see not another day as Prez Paul gets a Brazilian Blowout hair-straightening treatment on Day One.  

Marco “Thirsty Boy” Rubio: Republicans like walls. On Day One El Presidente Rubio better get constructing a wall around Miami to keep the rising “non-human-induced non-climate change” sea levels from washing Florida away. 


Lindsey “Sweetheart” Graham:  On Day One Prezzy Lindsey promises to reveal who he has met on the dating site “CongressWithMe” to join him as his FLOTUS. 

Rick “Oops” Perry: Prez Perry is looking forward thru his new genius glasses to finally on Day One …..”doing sumthang…uh, uh, open up a can of oop ass?”

Jeb “Mama’s Boy” Bush: Day One of his return of the Dynasty to the Throne, Jebsonofabush will stick the head of Saadam Hussain on the White House fence. Saadam’s head has been lovingly cared for by Dick Cheney in his Wyoming bunker since his execution in 2003.  “This one’s for you Mommy,” Jeb’ll say. 

Mike “Fat Again” Huckabee:  And on The First Day, President Huckabee, author of his biblical best seller “God, Guns, Grits & Gravy will conjur the wrath of God, the death of Guns, the whiteness of Grits and the grease of Gravy to require all Demon-crats to pack open-carry heat and dine at Cracker Barrel, Chick fil’A , Pizza Hut and Waffle House. 

Rick “Man-on-Dog” Santorum: Like Mike the Huckabee, President Santorum.. Can’t say that word…(yuckyphew!) awww crap, forget it..

Bobby “Apu” Jindal: first India-heritage President Jindal’s Day One proclamation will require all Kwicky Marts to serve Cajun-style slur-pees. 

Carly “InkJet” Fiorina: The first U.S. trans-gender woman President, Prez Fiorina issues a blanket pardon on Day One to all manufacturers of ink jet printers for the crime of charging customers $8,000 per gallon ($32/half ounce) for ink refills. In a sign of bipartisanship she also rescinds her campaign promise to run the U.S. government like she did Hewlet Packard.  

John “Semi-Normal Republican” Kasich and George “My middle name really IS Elmer” Pataki: Fantasy President Kasich and Fantasy Vice Principal Pataki’s Day One fantasy promise to go to Disney World will be a fantasy fulfilled. They will be joined by the remaining fantasy Republican candidates:
Jim Gilmore
James C.  Mitchell
Michael Bickelmeyer 
K. Ross Newland
Skip Anderson
Jack Fellure 
George Bailey 
John Dumment 
Dale Christiansen 
Jefferson Sherman 
Michael Petyo 
Andy Martin
Brooks Cullison 
Brian Russell 
Shawna Sterling
Bartholomew Lower 
Chris Hill
Mark Everson 
Esteban Oliverez 
Jim Hayden 
Kerry Bowers
Ben Carson 
Eric Cavanagh 

Hillary “The Rodham” Clinton: What a Day One! Been waiting for this one a long time. Ahhhh.  Saporem Diem. Savor the Day. Guess what Bill? You been served. D. I. V. O. R. C. E. 

Bernie “Burn Baby Burn” Sanders: President Bernie, incendiary socialist, will wait until May 1st, May Day, to declare Day One when he’ll Bernie y’all rich white mofcukas asses down. 





 








Political Cheesy Grits

Newt Gringrich’s poor showing in recent primaries is disproving the theory of Granular Convection…that an object with a larger surface area will rise to the top of a shifting mass…e.g. the reason that Brazil nuts in a can of mixed nuts are always are on the top. 
Best pundit quip of the week: Washington Post writer Jonathan Capehart on Mitt Romney’s embarrassing solicitous Southern comments about cheesy grits, y’alls and fried food: “it’s like he’s on safari in his own country.”
Whoops..He Did It Again
Channeling has-been pop diva Britney Spears, Rick “Frothy Mix” Santorum, after winning the Mississippi and Alabama Republican primaries last night, told supporters that, sans “whoops,” “we did it again.” Rick licked Newt, Mitt (man on newt?) and Ron. Santorum, field general for the Republican’s WOW…War on Women, now only trails Mitt in nomination delegates by about half. Dems may be salivating over the prospect of a Santorum-led ticket, but should be leery. America elected Ronald Reagan, whom many, including myself, thought was the most ridiculous candidate ever. Until he won. And became the most ridiculous President ever. 

Praajek 2.12

He.s back. Praajek. v2.12.  After a three-month sabbatical from his award-winning blog, “Praajek,” Praajek resumes today. “My hiatus took me to some mountaintop somewhere for a consultation with Guru Dashfokashi who imparted to me his latest inculcations, visions, dire heedings and warnings as well as herbal delights and remedies. Today I return to almost exactly the spot where I launched my short 90 day sojourn back in late December 2011. Actually,  I’m a bit off-register by several pico-degrees, but essentially I’ve landed back here intact; not tanned, but proverbially rested and ready. 
Guru Dashfokashi
I’ve already steeled myself to venture into the severely conservative Republican Galaxy of God and Forced Vaginal Probes to the land of Rick “SanitoriumSantorum  with his frothy mix of political sexual smegma and on to the far-out Universe of Willard “Corporations-R-People” Romney and  into the Republican No Country for Young Women and eventually to the forbidden barren Democratic deserts of demonic doom and its Lands of Our-Lordlessness. So here goes:
Just Published
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The Praajek Project, the first three years. Relive the glorious years of 2008 thru 2011 through the mind and eyes, ears, fingers and other body parts of Praajek. This just-published compilation of the “Best of Praajek” (that means all of Praajek) is now available as a paperback book to proudly grace your coffee table and provide endless hours of bedtime reading and entertainment for you, your loving ones, family and guests. This large format book is now available for the low-low price of $29.99. And now, for a limited time, you can order a signed-by-the-author and numbered The Praajek Project for just $30. That’s right! For just a penny extra, you can have a collector’s edition of The Praajek Project to display on your coffee table and to enjoy and cherish for a life-time. To order, just email praajek@gmail.com for instructions on where to send your personal check, money order or hard cash to order this highly-sought-after book. Don’t delay. Order The Praajek Project now. Praajek is sitting all alone to take your orders.