Bruce did it. So did Rachel. Bruce is now Caitlyn. Rachel Dolezal turned from White to Black. These two high profile publicly debated cases compel and inspire me to finally come clean, or green, as many correctly assume. Yes, I’m ready to come out.
Yes, I have undergone a reassignment.
Not gender. Not race. Not sexual orientation. Not even from bloody carnivore to shadowless vegan. Ever since my arrival onto this 6,000 year-old earth from my mother ship I have deeply felt that the tactile-visual interface assigned to me at my creation, a human endoskeleton covered with a human exoskeleton, was wrong. So wrong. So today I’ve got to do it. It’s going to be tough. I’ve been thinking about this day forever and what I should do with my life. How do I tell my story? How do I tell people what I’ve been through, and that day is today. I don’t need tissues — because we don’t cry. It’s gonna be kinda tough but today’s the day.
Am I a Corporation? Yes. Am I a Uranian Corporation? Yes, for all intents and purposes, I am a corporation from the Republic of Uranus. Mitt Rommey only said half of it…that corporations are people… Well, Mitt, they can be Uranians, too. I guess that makes me a Corporate Uranus Republican (CUR). I’ve always been confused with my galactic identity. During those early post-creation ages I engaged in cross dressing…often shedding my human neonatal wrappings and transporting my natural human state throughout my Assimilation Dwell Pod (home) with free abandon wearing only suspenders and Top Hat. My progenitor elements, Mum & Pop, ignored my nearly naked attempts to connect with my true Corporate Uranus Republican identity. So did my pre-me human sibling Rita as well as subsequent post-me human element sib-whelpings Stephen, Joan, Christopher, Molly, Isadore, Cantwell and Mucky. Every day was a cry (not literally since we don’t) for help. Since neonatehood I have always felt special; like a semi-colon in a long connective rambling sentence. Difficult to potty train, I believed early on that simple trickle down was the best for those under me. I had to suppress my core CUR beliefs that as it is practiced in my homeland Uranus everyone should be armed to the teeth and tentacles at all times with mobile instruments of death and mayhem; (notice the semi-colon!) that the principles of freedom (well, not unfettered female body & health-decision freedom) and survival of the fittest should rule us instead of oppressive wealth-distributing governments. Yes, all my life I have definitely felt like a CUR, a Uranus maker and shaker…not a taker. So today (stifled sniff) I announce to this world my galactic re-assignment shedding my human skin and transitioning to my true nature…a Corporate Uranian of the Republic of Uranus. Look for my upcoming reality show on The Fox News Channel. (Kleenex, godsdammit!)