Category: Boehner

The Republican Rapture

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The Republican Rapture, like the end-of-world Raptures regularly predicted by religious goofs, may have failed to rapture us this time, but as a result of the agreement Obama signed today we might still be on schedule for an American meetup with an economic Dooms Day. Pushed by right-wing Teabagging Republican zealots, the hope of the Republican Rapture was similar to the May 21 (now Oct. 21) Judgement Day that Christian Family radio old guy, Harold Camping, said would separate the Saved from the Left Behind. The August 2, 2011 Republican Rapture would, like the Jesus Rapture, save the Wealthy and Leave Behind the middle and lower income class of Americans. The Debt Ceiling “debate” was formulated and positioned to wreck havoc on the American economy affecting all but the Wealthy, like Number Two Congressional Leader and lead Debt Ceiling negotiator Eric Cantor, who according to Salon (and reported in the Wall Street Journal) “holds between $1,000 and $15,000 invested in ProShares Trust Ultrashort 20+ Year Treasury EFT. The fund aggressively “shorts” long-term U.S. Treasury bonds, meaning that it performs well when U.S. debt is undesirable. (A short is when the trader hopes to profit from the decline in the value of an asset.)”  The crazy religious Rapture asserts that most won’t be saved because they don’t accept Jesus as their savior. With a Republican Rapture, most of America won’t be saved unless it accepts John Boehner (or Mitch McConnell, or Eric Cantor, or any of the Teabagging representatives) as its savior. 
Although President Obama did not, as I described in previous posts below, offer his daughters Malia and Sasha up to the Republican debt “negotiators,” nor did he actually switch parties and become a Republican, denounce Oprah, arrest Rev. Al Sharpton and offer to rescind the 13th Amendment, Mr. Obama, in his temperamentally timid and accommodating manner, gave the farm away instead of even offering to sell it. It’s been said in dozens of ways that the key to failure is trying to please everyone. Mr. Obama may indeed go down as one of history’s worst negotiators, not only showing his hand as soon as the cards are dealt, but making his best bid before anyone has made a move. He did it on the extension of the Bush tax cuts, health care’s public option and now the debt ceiling extension. One wonders who talked him out of texting Bin Laden and giving him a heads-up that we were coming for him…only the “balanced” thing to do, right? Was it Hillary who stopped Obama’s Osama booty call that night?
Hillary. Oh, Hillary. Did we dismiss you without cause in 2007? Why do I see you at the table with the Republican Rapturers negotiating the Debt Limit? Why do I see John Boehner’s spray-on nicotine tan sweat-drip down his jowly cheeks while avoiding your Hillary Stare;  licking your lips in an evil cojones-ripping squint at Eric Cantor, and with a toss of your latest hair-do whiplash to tears the blowfish-faced Mitch McConnell. I hear you Hillary. Spending cuts. Yeah, sure…but real tax increases (not bullshit revenue enhancements) on you Bigbuck Mofas and your Bigbuck Mofa lobbyists, corporate jetsetters, bankers, wall street hedgefunders and oil barons. Take it or leave it. I’ll sign the damn debt limit extension using the 14th Amendment or maybe just Presidential prerogative to save the Republic. Oh, Hillary. You must be almost sighing, bemused now at how your conqueror now rules and leads. He leads from behind. And thus leaves us behind wallowing in the entrails of the Republican Rapture. 

Obama Chia Cojones

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Remember the Chia Obama from a few years back. Back when our President wasn’t President, when he spoke boldly of Hope, Change…you are the change, he said. Guess we didn’t listen close enough. He clearly did mean, you are the change. Not him. Because not much has changed, especially when it comes to who is running the Big Show. Repoobs, fresh from their Midterm application of shellac are bolder than ever. Following this week’s mini-summit at the White House, Repoob leaders Boehner and McConnell emerged with with their pretend faces grim as they lip-synched their Obama-facetime as “a nice meeting.” Obama himself, strode jauntily to the podium and announced a new era of compromise and cooperation. Looking thinner than ever, he had the look of a man who had just been pick-pocketed, realizing the futility of chasing the robbers sucks it up and says, oh well, I didn’t really need my wrist watch, wallet and car keys anyway. And besides, those muggers looked hungry.

True to form, the rustlers showed up the next day flaunting their booty and demanding even more. Nothing will get done until our millionaires get their average $80.000 a year tax break, said McConnell. Nothing. If that’s Obama’s definition of Compromise and Cooperation then I have a new holiday gift to add to your list: Obama Chia Cojones. Just sprinkle with a little spinal fluid and they grow fig leafs to cover their minuscularity.

Obama Thanks Republicans for Dissing Him

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Calling the recent Republican rejection of his invitation to have dinner with him at the White House this week a pleasant surprise, President Obama promised to re-invite the Rude Repoobs as soon as possible. “This time I’ll be a bit more solicitous…and perhaps not so presumptive that an invitation from the President of the United States would be met with friendly acceptance and appreciation. My bad,” the President said. Republican leaders John Boehner and Mitch McConnell reportedly felt that the dinner menu, which included cheese burgers, American fries/onion rings and Slurpees was too elitist. “Typical Democrat fare..how about something for the Common Man, and what the heck’s wrong with a little Merlot, huh?” said Boehner. 

The Republican Leadership did agree to meet with the White House Chief of Janitorial Services (COJ) to discuss efforts to reduce spending on cleaning services in the President’s personal residence rooms of the White House. 

“Does the so-called “First” Family really need their sheets changed every week?” asked McConnell at a weekly press gaggle in the Oval Office, which the President makes available to the Repubicans for business duties on an as-needed bi-partisan basis. 

Flicking his cigarette ash on the President’s new Oval Office carpet, Boehner reiterated “American taxpayers need to know that their hard-earned money is not going down the drain to pay for extra SoftScrub and Sani-Flush for all those bathrooms in the  White House. We’re drawing a line in the dust on this issue,” he said.

In response, President Obama said if the Republicans approved he would discuss personal White House sanitary and cleaning cost escalations with the COJ toward an effort to reduce expenses and please the Republican leaders.

The President also apologized to the Republicans for his recent “uppity” behavior and promised to act in a more bi-partisan manner in order to heed to the wishes of the American electorate who elected him President in 2008. 

Boehner responded by urging the President to order some Pentagon-grade ash trays for their Oval Office.

Of Tea Bags and Slurpees…

Lawrence RudmannLeave a comment
Fun time returns. Yes, it’s boring when the enemy is vanquished. Power breeds less discontent than apathy. It’s been painfully dull the past two years of Obama-Democratic lethargy and timidness; their masochistic need to be bullied by the No-nothing Do-nothing Repoobs. How many times can we implore Obama to “stand-up and fight?” Just when you think he’s about to channel his inner Harry Truman he slinks away, tail between legs muttering his Oomm-like reach-across-the-aisle mantra “com…pro…mise….com…pro…mise… The man will never change. In a recent New York Times interview, Northwestern University prof and historian Gary Wills notes that Obama, coming from both Black and White cultures has had to accommodate and compromise all his life to survive. It’s ingrained in his personality DNA. He’s not a fighter and never will be. I knew we were in trouble when shortly after becoming President he abandoned basketball and took up golf, the ultimate non-confrontational, self-competing (and defeating) hobby-sport ever devised by man. A gentleman’s game, hands are clean, no sweating just fretting. Hit the little ball in the little hole. How sweet. 
So, here we are. Two years later. Yes, a watered-down health care law (hey, better than nothing), some weak Wall Street banking financial reform (hey, better than nothing), a weak stimulus (hey, better than nothing) that actually saved and created a lot of jobs and reduced taxes although Obama decided in his own inimitable low-key good-government manner not to  spend anything telling people about it. When Bush/Rove cut taxes they sent everyone a letter saying a check was on the way…and then followed-up with a real check in the mail. Wow, look what President Bush did for me. Maybe President Obama’s new campaign motto should be “Better than Nothing.” Because that’s what we face for the next two years from Brutha Boehner and Blob Fish Mitch McConnell. 
But hey…it’s fun time again. Now we have some real visible foils to have fun with. Besides Boehner and Blobby, there’s Minnesota’s Michele “Hypno-Eyes” Bachman, Tennessee’s Rand “Aqua Buddha” Paul, South Carolina’s Jim “No Boyfriend Sex 4 Single Female Teachers” DeMint; and the Mama Grizzlie herself  “UBetcha Winky-wink.  Missed sorely will be Alaska’s  Joe “We Hardly Knew Ye” Miller, Delaware’s Christine “Not A Witch” O’Donnell and Nevada’s Sharron “Don’t Vote U Hispanics Besides U Look Asian 2 Me” Angle. Strange brew, those Tea Baggers. 
Time to get back to the fun stuff.

Brutha Boehner.. Possible First Black Speaker of House

Lawrence Rudmann2 Comments

First the Repooblicans hire an African-American, Michael Steele to head their campaign operations. Obama’s Black and he’s President… We gotta get a Black guy too! Now, although it curdles their dark ossified pale white hearts, Repoobs could be on the threshold of thrusting African American Congressman John Boehner into the Speaker’s seat should they take over the House with big November victories. Could this help expand their base by attracting several Black American voters? Anything is possible.

RandomSnarkiums

Lawrence Rudmann1 Comment

Hollywood’s got child-rapist director Roman Polanski’s back. More than 100 actors, directors, producers have signed a letter asking that he be released. Among the signers: Woody Allen. Wonder how that will work out?

Florida Congressional Rep. Allen Grayson’s recent remarks about the Repooblicans “Die Quickly” health care plan…finally a Dem with some testicular fortitude.

Remember the Cigarette Man on the old X-Files show? Could he really be cigarette inhaling, nicotine-ozing fake-tanned House Repoob leader John Boehner?

Why do celebrities video tape their sexcapades if they don’t want them showing up on YouTube? Will Big Hair John Edwards’ alleged sex tape give new meaning to the term “fluffer”?

Best anagrams for Sarah Palin’s upcoming memoir “Going Rogue”…
Gouge Groin
Ego Rouging

When did Oprah get fat again?