“Just like our great social media manly-man Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg (love your new curls and gold necklace, Mark!) who recently announced that he would demand more MASCULINE-ENERGY in his hate-speech company METAmuscle, I hereby EXECUTIVELY ORDER the return of more MASCULINE-ENERGY to the National Football League.
No longer will American fans of our tremendously great and national pastime, American Football, be subjected to un-manliness.
I call it “football”…not that other thing those socialists in Europe call it.. we call their football soccer, they call it “foot ball” because they can’t call it handball.. you gotta use your foot and kick it.. should be called kickball.. but I call our great sport “football” and now all Americans call it football.
But now we will make football great again … MFGA.
No longer will scores be called Touch Downs. From this day on a score will be called a “SLAM BAM.”
We will also ban End-Zone Dancing after a Slam Bam. Dancing is for girls, not tough Masculine Men. Instead, after a Slam Bam, (thank you ‘mam) the player “musk” turn to the fans and raise his right arm in a beautiful stiff-arm, palm down salute.
Lady referees? No decision- making in our great nation is more important than calling penalties in a football game. Let’s leave for the ladies the other important sideline job of inspiring our men on the field by dancing and cheering in skimpy uniforms, which I call maidenforms. Uniforms are unisex and I have already declared that in the U. S. there is no unisex.. just two: men and girls. So we now have Maniforms and Maidenforms.
And Beer! What about beer? Free football beer for men. I call it “football beer” … a lot of people, great people, also now call it “football beer.” Let’s get the guys really into it! I’m told that many people will support this, especially my Secretary of Offense Pete Hegseth.
And what about those tight sissy rayon football pants? Not anymore, ladies. From now on all NFL players will wear MAN-EATING ENERGY CARHARTT LOOSE FIT FIRM DUCK INSULATED BIBERALLS. I’m told that the ladies love men in bibs.
And finally, helmets. Hell nuts, I say. From this day forward I declare helmets banned. Let our red-blooded warriors go head-to-head wearing red-themed MFGA caps.
Never before in our nation’s history has it been so mandatory to manage the manifold manifested reasons that manliness be mandated today and tomorrow. Aman.” …D.J. Trump, President of America. And it’s Gulf, too.
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