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DOD Chief Pete Hedwig says he will switch the nation’s top secret encrypted messaging app to AOL Instant Message (AIM) following the secret leak of war plans thru the group messaging app Signal. “From now on all top security chat personnel will be notified by a secure voice prompt that announces on their phones that ‘You’ve Got Mail,’” said Hedwig angrily.
Female soldiers, who according to Defense Secretary Pete Hegwig are not fit for combat roles, will now deliver the mail in 60,000 new Tesla Cyber Trucks to replace the postal service fleet. “These beautiful Cyber Trucks, driven by some of MY great military’s beautiful ladies, will now Deliver for America. These gal mail carriers will be deck out in full battlefield gear & heavily armed with a M1911 pistol, M14 enhanced battle rifle and M16 rifle with M203 grenade launcher. No longer will these brave lady warriors be intimidated by barking and snarling dogs while delivering the mail and a “ Shoot First Don’t Ask” policy will ensure the safety of our hero gals.
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