Category: McConnell

Obama Chia Cojones

Lawrence RudmannLeave a comment
Remember the Chia Obama from a few years back. Back when our President wasn’t President, when he spoke boldly of Hope, Change…you are the change, he said. Guess we didn’t listen close enough. He clearly did mean, you are the change. Not him. Because not much has changed, especially when it comes to who is running the Big Show. Repoobs, fresh from their Midterm application of shellac are bolder than ever. Following this week’s mini-summit at the White House, Repoob leaders Boehner and McConnell emerged with with their pretend faces grim as they lip-synched their Obama-facetime as “a nice meeting.” Obama himself, strode jauntily to the podium and announced a new era of compromise and cooperation. Looking thinner than ever, he had the look of a man who had just been pick-pocketed, realizing the futility of chasing the robbers sucks it up and says, oh well, I didn’t really need my wrist watch, wallet and car keys anyway. And besides, those muggers looked hungry.

True to form, the rustlers showed up the next day flaunting their booty and demanding even more. Nothing will get done until our millionaires get their average $80.000 a year tax break, said McConnell. Nothing. If that’s Obama’s definition of Compromise and Cooperation then I have a new holiday gift to add to your list: Obama Chia Cojones. Just sprinkle with a little spinal fluid and they grow fig leafs to cover their minuscularity.

Obama Thanks Republicans for Dissing Him

Lawrence RudmannLeave a comment
Calling the recent Republican rejection of his invitation to have dinner with him at the White House this week a pleasant surprise, President Obama promised to re-invite the Rude Repoobs as soon as possible. “This time I’ll be a bit more solicitous…and perhaps not so presumptive that an invitation from the President of the United States would be met with friendly acceptance and appreciation. My bad,” the President said. Republican leaders John Boehner and Mitch McConnell reportedly felt that the dinner menu, which included cheese burgers, American fries/onion rings and Slurpees was too elitist. “Typical Democrat fare..how about something for the Common Man, and what the heck’s wrong with a little Merlot, huh?” said Boehner. 

The Republican Leadership did agree to meet with the White House Chief of Janitorial Services (COJ) to discuss efforts to reduce spending on cleaning services in the President’s personal residence rooms of the White House. 

“Does the so-called “First” Family really need their sheets changed every week?” asked McConnell at a weekly press gaggle in the Oval Office, which the President makes available to the Repubicans for business duties on an as-needed bi-partisan basis. 

Flicking his cigarette ash on the President’s new Oval Office carpet, Boehner reiterated “American taxpayers need to know that their hard-earned money is not going down the drain to pay for extra SoftScrub and Sani-Flush for all those bathrooms in the  White House. We’re drawing a line in the dust on this issue,” he said.

In response, President Obama said if the Republicans approved he would discuss personal White House sanitary and cleaning cost escalations with the COJ toward an effort to reduce expenses and please the Republican leaders.

The President also apologized to the Republicans for his recent “uppity” behavior and promised to act in a more bi-partisan manner in order to heed to the wishes of the American electorate who elected him President in 2008. 

Boehner responded by urging the President to order some Pentagon-grade ash trays for their Oval Office.

Of Tea Bags and Slurpees…

Lawrence RudmannLeave a comment
Fun time returns. Yes, it’s boring when the enemy is vanquished. Power breeds less discontent than apathy. It’s been painfully dull the past two years of Obama-Democratic lethargy and timidness; their masochistic need to be bullied by the No-nothing Do-nothing Repoobs. How many times can we implore Obama to “stand-up and fight?” Just when you think he’s about to channel his inner Harry Truman he slinks away, tail between legs muttering his Oomm-like reach-across-the-aisle mantra “com…pro…mise….com…pro…mise… The man will never change. In a recent New York Times interview, Northwestern University prof and historian Gary Wills notes that Obama, coming from both Black and White cultures has had to accommodate and compromise all his life to survive. It’s ingrained in his personality DNA. He’s not a fighter and never will be. I knew we were in trouble when shortly after becoming President he abandoned basketball and took up golf, the ultimate non-confrontational, self-competing (and defeating) hobby-sport ever devised by man. A gentleman’s game, hands are clean, no sweating just fretting. Hit the little ball in the little hole. How sweet. 
So, here we are. Two years later. Yes, a watered-down health care law (hey, better than nothing), some weak Wall Street banking financial reform (hey, better than nothing), a weak stimulus (hey, better than nothing) that actually saved and created a lot of jobs and reduced taxes although Obama decided in his own inimitable low-key good-government manner not to  spend anything telling people about it. When Bush/Rove cut taxes they sent everyone a letter saying a check was on the way…and then followed-up with a real check in the mail. Wow, look what President Bush did for me. Maybe President Obama’s new campaign motto should be “Better than Nothing.” Because that’s what we face for the next two years from Brutha Boehner and Blob Fish Mitch McConnell. 
But hey…it’s fun time again. Now we have some real visible foils to have fun with. Besides Boehner and Blobby, there’s Minnesota’s Michele “Hypno-Eyes” Bachman, Tennessee’s Rand “Aqua Buddha” Paul, South Carolina’s Jim “No Boyfriend Sex 4 Single Female Teachers” DeMint; and the Mama Grizzlie herself  “UBetcha Winky-wink.  Missed sorely will be Alaska’s  Joe “We Hardly Knew Ye” Miller, Delaware’s Christine “Not A Witch” O’Donnell and Nevada’s Sharron “Don’t Vote U Hispanics Besides U Look Asian 2 Me” Angle. Strange brew, those Tea Baggers. 
Time to get back to the fun stuff.