“Because I, Donald J. Trump, am the most honest person ever to run for the Presidency, I want your vote, not in spite of, but for the following reasons:
Yes, I dodged service in Vietnam by paying a doctor to fabricate a story about foot bone spurs. I had no time for patriotism when there were deals to be made. I engaged in an extramarital affair with a porn star while my wife was home with our newborn son and shrugged off my vows to various marriages. I’ve groped women, boasted about it, and moved on unscathed. I took classified government secrets, not for national security, but because I wanted them—whether for profit, vanity, or just because I could. I’ve lived a life of luxury, both inherited and earned, much of it earned by cheating on taxes, not paying hard-working contractors, scamming innocent people with my various bogus enterprises such as Trump University and products as varied and dubious as hats, wine, steaks, vitamins, home decor, menswear, bottled water, a board game, mattresses, pillows, eyeglasses, lighting/chandeliers, coffee, cologne/perfume, deodorant, vodka, square inch pieces of my felony arraignment suit, fake gold sneakers, fake Swiss watches, and God forgive me, Trump Bibles made in Godless China!
The Seven Deadly Sins seem to have been written personally for me: pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth. Thank you, God!
I now realize that this is a critical time in our nation’s history. Division, hate, suspicion, derision, revenge, retaliation, ridicule, retribution is spreading across our land; and much of this sowing of poison is due to me, thank you!
My political rallies are gaseous clouds of ridicule and hate and anger. I preyed on all of you for my own political and personal gain. I’ve encouraged you to embrace your darker instincts, to discard compassion, and to ridicule your fellow citizens. Why appeal to your better angels when I can stoke the fire of resentment?
As a convicted felon, 34 times over, I’ve lived a life of lies and cronyism, passing myself as a model businessman. Hey, I only bankrupted three casinos and a couple of hotels.
As we approach this important election, I urge you to give me your vote. Our nation’s wounds, which I proudly helped inflict, will need to be healed, but not until I seek retribution on my opponents, deport millions of immigrants leaving our agricultural fields unharvested, our restaurants unstaffed, our health care systems collapsing. I will heal our nation’s wounds after I enact another giant tax break for our All-American billionaires; raise prices on imports through tariffs; eliminate women’s reproductive freedoms; help my good friend Vladimir Putin defeat Ukraine; break ground in Moscow for my new Trump Hotel; ensure that school children learn about the anatomy of famous golf legends and declare myself a dictator on day one. It’s a big agenda, but our nation’s wounds cannot he healed until I succeed.
Thank you for your unwavering support, and God bless our fallen soldiers—those I once called ‘suckers and losers’ for sacrificing their lives for this great nation (that I refer to as “garbage”) although I still can’t understand what was in it for them?
Your Favorite President, Donald J. tRump.
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