America Takes a Knee

America’s Great Divider-in-Chief DJ Trump’s recent rants against Black athletes, calling them SOBs for their First Amendment freedom of expression rights, has caused the nation to nearly deplete its strategic stockpile of kneepads. With Americans from every walk of life “ taking a knee” in solidarity with the athletes, supplies of garden, construction and brothel knee pads are sold-out throughout the supply chain in stores like Ace, Walmart, Home Depot, Family Dollar, Dick’s Sporting Goods and Victoria’s Secret.

Demand is so strong that the Pentagon recently opened its national strategic stockpile of kneepads stored in underground steel and concrete bunkers near Wounded Knee, South Dakota.

An un-named Pentagon official said the demand was so great that the stockpile is virtually depleted. “We are knee-deep in back orders to our Chinese suppliers,” the official said.

Mr. Trump’s obsession with NFL players “taking a knee” during the flag presentations has also created such a national knee-bend crisis that the Neighborhood Association of Orthopedic surgeons has issued a national moratorium on knee replacements. One local knee surgeon, Dr. Art Patella, is reportedly issuing American flags as temporary knee wraps for patients awaiting replacements.

It is also reported that even Catholic church congregations are demanding the return of kneeling benches in the pews. According to local pastor Father Peter Rast, the old kneeling benches remain stored in the St. Concupiscent sanctuary basement. “They’re pretty worn,” said Father Rast, “but when our flock wants to kneel the Church will certainly accommodate.”